Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.
What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.
You might be an accountant if …
you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
How do you know you have a great CPA? He has a tax loophole named after him.
What do you call an accountant with an opinion? An auditor.
How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child,”No, son. It wouldn’t be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking.”
How do you know your son is going to be a CPA?
When you read him the story of Cinderella and you get to the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden carriage, he asks you “Daddy, is that ordinary income or a capital gain?”
It’s accrual world.
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy. The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following.
‘Mr Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.
The student said. ‘ I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?’
The question is do I tell my partner’
I wanted to do something nice for my manager, so I bought him a new chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.
“You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother – which is good, since I still live with her.”
Ever wonder why they call it a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10, they get $40.
What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.
If Excel Were a Car…
•It would crash two or three times per day for no apparent reason. The driver is often hurt, but the car itself receives no permanent damage. You’d just accept this fact, restart the car, and begin your trip again.
•Occasionally, your car would fail to restart after a crash, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
•You would be forced to buy a new model every 18 months, and your old model would have no resale value. Each new model would be bigger that the previous one, require more gas, and would operate differently. Furthermore, parts from the old car would not be interchangeable with the new car.
•You could call a special phone number when you had a problem. The phone would be staffed by people who know less about your car than you do.
•There would be a special Macintosh model, powered by the sun. However, it would only run on 5 percent of the roads and require different driving skills.
•You would have to spend additional money to buy the operating manuals. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single warning light: “This car has performed an illegal operation.”
•Before engaging, the airbag system would display a message, “Are you sure?”
•Every time you looked under the hood, an obnoxious cartoon character would appear and ask if you need help. No matter how many time you refused help, it would keep appearing.
•A special feature would let you automatically record the route for a particular trip, so you could repeat the trip automatically later on. However, after repeating the trip you always end up at a different location.
Small things to make someone feel loved:
Write a poem or song for your partner, even if it’s goofy.
Make your partner a sweet card for no reason at all.
Recreate your first date, run-in, kiss, etc.
Tell them you’re lucky to have them. Tell them how you’ve changed since you met them.