Quotes August 22, 2018

Parallel lines have so much in common,
it’s a shame they’re never gonna meet.
I’m really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.

What do you call a guy with no shins?
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks, for keeping me off the streets!
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs!
What kind of pictures do turtles take?
Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?
Because she’s probably thick and tired of it!
Who is bigger: Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
The baby, because she’s a little bigger.
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
What did the overly excited gardner do when spring finally arrived?
He wet his plants!
What’s the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
One you’ll see in a while and the other you’ll see later!
What do you call an alligator that wears a vest?
An investigator.
Why did the cyclops close his school?
Because he only had one pupil!
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me!
What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!
Why couldn’t the pirate sit down?
He had his booty stolen!
Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog?
To get along little doggy!
I miss my umbilical cord,
I grew attached to it.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool!
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
My dog used to chase people on a bike. It got so bad, I had to take his bike away!
What’s the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones and people from Abu Dhabi Doo!
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy?
A Spaghetto!
My girlfriend says she needs time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?