Courtesy of The Chive:
Sometimes the only reason I stop scrolling is because I’ve accidentally pressed the back button and can’t be bothered finding my place a million posts down again. Might as well go to sleep then.
There should be a reality show where flat-earthers have to find the edge of the world.
During an earthquake, flat earthers could refer to the earth as a floppy disk.
We let many filmmakers switch genres from film to film with no problem, but when bands switch genres from album to album we don’t know what to make of it.
As much as I use my smart phone I don’t think I have ever seen it in any of my dreams.
It’s 2017, any place that charges a convenience fee to pay bills online is just an asshole. .
Taking candy from a baby would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Scratch tickets should have prices that end in 99 cents so you have a penny to scratch them off with.
Taking dating advice from attractive people is like taking finance advice from someone who won the lottery.
If dogs actually played poker they’d be awful at bluffing. Their tails would give them away.
Whenever people compliment the clothes I’m wearing, I instantly look down because I’ve forgotten what I put on that morning.
Today I realized, the only reason I have the same job, is because of the inconvenience of finding another.
Our ability to swallow down the wrong pipe, and almost choke out ourselves, may be the biggest design flaw of the human body.
I wish horses knew that every time we pass them we say, “Ooh look, horses.”
Why do love songs keep citing Romeo and Juliet? Their love only lasted 3 days and killed 6 people.
Mosquitoes are essentially used, flying, dirty needles.
Nothing is more of a lose-lose than being a doomsday predictor.