Bluebird of Bitterness: Hot cross puns
A Viking returned home after a long voyage and discovered that his name was missing from the town register. His wife brought this to the attention of a local civic official, who apologized, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
Three young Indian braves got married, and each built a teepee for his new squaw. The first made a teepee from antelope hide, the second made a teepee from buffalo hide, and the third made a teepee from hippopotamus hide. Nine months later, the squaw in the first teepee had a baby boy, the squaw in the second teepee had a baby girl, and the squaw in the third teepee had twins…which just goes to show that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.
Larry was spending the summer working on a cattle ranch in Nebraska, while his girlfriend Katie taught horseback riding at a summer camp in Kentucky. At the beginning of the summer, Larry wrote to Katie every day, telling her how much he missed her and how he looked forward to seeing her again when the summer was over. But when Larry got to know the rancher’s daughter Edith, he became a lot less lonely, and his letters to Katie became less frequent. When the summer came to an end, Larry found himself torn between his desire to see his girlfriend again, and his sadness over having to leave the rancher’s daughter. Still, he was smart enough to know that you can’t have your Kate and Edith, too.
Tag: bluebird of bitterness
Bluebird of Bitterness: Hot cross puns
That’s telling him
A wholesaler in Chicago sent a letter to the postmaster of a small town in Mississippi. He asked for the name of an honest lawyer who would take a collection case against a local debtor who had refused to pay for a shipment of the wholesaler’s goods. He received the following reply:
I am the postmaster of this town. I am also an honest lawyer and ordinarily would be pleased to accept a case against a local debtor. In this case, however, I also happen to be the person you sold those defective goods to. I received your demand to pay and refused to honor it. I am also the banker you sent the draft to draw on the merchant, and I sent that back with a note stating that the merchant refused to pay. If I were not currently substituting for the pastor of our local church, I would tell you exactly what I thought of your claim.
When I published Bar jokes for English majors, I had a sneaking suspicion that my faithful readers — and perhaps even a few faithless ones — would chime in with additions of their own, and they did not disappoint. They inspired me to write a few more as well. So here we go with round two:
An adverb walks into a bar purposefully, demands a bottle of whiskey urgently, consumes it single-handedly, and passes out immediately.
A homonym woks into a barre.
A flirtatious semicolon walks into a bar and winks at a colon who’s making eyes at her.
His, hers, theirs, mine, yours, and ours walk into a bar and quickly take possession.
Alliteration arrives at an authentic Alabama alehouse and asks for applejack.
A contraction walks into a bar even though it isn’t thirsty, doesn’t feel like drinking, and can’t explain why someone who’s not in the mood to drink wouldn’t avoid bars.
A spoonerism balks into a war and has a muddy blary.
An anagram walks into a bar owned by an anemic iceman from the cinema.
Redundancy walks into a bar that serves alcoholic beverages and asks for scotch on the rocks over ice cubes.
After work, before going home, a preposition walks into a bar beside the parking lot behind the office, and drinks with reckless abandon throughout the evening, ending up under the table.
An incomplete sentence into a bar
A thesaurus walks/ambles/saunters/wanders/strides/traipses into a bar.
Onomatopoeia whizzes into a bar, barks out an order, guzzles a drink, then zips out with a whoosh.
A misplaced apostrophe walk’s into a bar and drink’s a few beer’s.
Subject and verb walk into a bar, but the bartender kicks them out because they don’t agree.
An interjection walks into a bar — ouch!
A heteronym walks into a bar, even though it’s close to time for the place to close.
Bob, Eve, Hannah, Otto, Ada, Nan, Mom, and Dad walk into The Palindrome Saloon.
Alphabet. Barroom. Cocktails. Drinking. Euphoric. Fried. Giddy. Hammered. Inebriated. Juiced. Kippered. Loaded. Muddled. Narcotized. Obliviated. Pickled. Quaffy. Ravaged. Schnockered. Tanked. Unsteady. Vulcanized. Wasted.
William Shakespeare walks into a pub
In search of diversion and levity;
He asks the bar maid for some spiked lemonade,
Having heard it increases longevity;
Then he says to the lass, “Use a very short glass,
For the soul of wit is brevity.”