I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Looking back, Kel’s orange soda fetish is kind of weird. Wonder what his FANTAsies were?
Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth)
I wish there was a socially acceptable way to tell strangers you are not interested in having small talk.
Some muscular hipster should start an artisanal landscaping company. Cutting the grass with a scythe, sh*t like that.
If the universe is truly infinite, there’s no such thing as fiction.
Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a paper trail, but paying with paper currency does not.
“A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. ‘There must be some mistake,’ he says to Saint Peter, ‘I’m only 35’.
‘No,’ Saint Peter says, ‘according to our calculations, you’re 82.’
‘How did you work that out?’ the lawyer asked.
‘We added up your time sheets,’ Saint Peter replied.”
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons?
Hose A and Hose B.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the “b” is silent.
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
You know those people using bibles on their phones? They are using phony bibles.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
They call me coffee cause I grind so fine.
If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t bother going.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
What do you call a big pile of kittens?
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.
I think I’m emotionally constipated. I just can’t seem to give a sh*t
Real fearlessness is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart, your raw and beautiful heart.
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.”
“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”
How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?”
“Our real blessings often appear to us in the shape of pains, losses and disappointments; but let us have patience and we soon shall see them in their proper figures.”
“Who ever is out of patience is out of possession of their soul.”
“Never cut a tree down in the wintertime. Never make a negative decision in the low time. Never make your most important decisions when you are in your worst moods. Wait. Be patient. The storm will pass. The spring will come.”
Robert H. Schuller
“Come what may, all bad fortune is to be conquered by endurance.”
“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
“The test of good manners is to be patient with the bad ones.”
Solomon Ibn Gabirol
How small the vastest of human catastrophes may seem at a distance of a few million miles.
Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.
We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just start.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. The curtain is up and you are on, so get out there and give it your best shot.
There are people in your life whom you unknowingly inspire simply by being you.
When you’ve done something wrong, admit it and be sorry. No one in history has ever choked to death from swallowing his pride.
Don’t be afraid of being outnumbered. Eagles fly alone. Pigeons flock together.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinion is an art.
No such thing as spare time, no such thing as free time, no such thing as down time. All you got is life time.
It is always the start that requires the greatest effort.
James Cash Penney
“I encourage you to ask yourselves: Where in your lives right now might defining your fears be more important than defining your goals? Keeping in mind all the while, the words of Seneca: ‘We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.’”
Why you should define your fears instead of your goals
When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.
Acts of kindness, even in the simplest ways, are what make our lives meaningful, bringing happiness to ourselves and others.
The Dalai Lama
‘Someone suggested volunteer work, but that’s out of the question. I’m accustomed to being paid, and the idea of giving away my time and my skills is an affront. Braver women than I fought decades for equal compensation in the workplace, so why would I undo their accomplishments?’
X Kinsey Millhone Book 24