Most people will say, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
An engineer will say, “If it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.”
One Sunday morning, the priest saw little Davey staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church’s foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
“Father Donovan,” the boy asked, “what is this?
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service,” the priest explained. They stood together quietly, staring at the memorial plaque.
Little Davey softly asked, “Which service? The 9:00 or the 10:30?”
Grandma, who was becoming an evermore intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, ring my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?” the grandson asked.
“You’re coming empty handed?”
When I am told, “You’ll regret that in the morning”, I don’t let it bother me.
Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, “Say, is this really a healthful place?”
“It sure is,” the cabby replied. “When I arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That’s wonderful!” said the tourist, “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family…
… in another city!
After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.
The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, “I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
My new friend has a very Irish name…
O’Really?
The Priest was shaking hands after his sermon, My grandma said, “Reverend that was the longest sermon I’ve ever listened to, it was boring as well.”
The Priest was surprised and I wanted to mend fences so I told him, “Father, pay no attention to her, she only repeats what she hears other people saying.”
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife… she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over… women like that are hard to find.”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife didn’t wake him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Father: You did well with your chores this week, how would you like a shiny new quarter?
Son: I’d rather have a dirty old dollar!
The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom, smiling but looking a little nervous, leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s self-rising flour, right?”
Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
Patient- Dr. How much it will cost me to extract my two teeth?
Dentist- $300 US dollars
Patient- How much time it will take?
Dentist- Five minutes
Patient- Five minutes only & it’s $300 US dollars! Don’t you think that is too expensive?
Dentist- I can do it in 30 minutes if you want?
As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store’s PA system…
“If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining… Towels are located in aisle five.”
