Quotes August 06, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Maybe the ancient Greeks didn’t actually believe their mythology and it was just a really big franchise like Star Wars.
Soon there will be a generation that only knows Dwayne Johnson as an actor, and not a rock.
In a zombie apocalypse eventually there are gonna be houses filled with smoke alarms with low battery beeping that may distract the zombies.
Of course your mother tells you you are gorgeous, you are a mix between herself and the person she chose to have sex with.
What if oxygen makes our voices deep and helium brings it back to normal?
If dogs were able to drive then all they would do is go buy food and stalk their owners.
Caffeinated drinks should have to advertise “caffeine by volume” the same way alcoholic drinks report “alcohol by volume.”
The fact that today (2-2) is not considered ‘National Ballet day’ seems like a huge missed opportunity.
If there’s a heaven, it’d better involve stepping in and having all the pets you’ve ever owned already there waiting, losing their shit because they’re happy you’re home.
If someone else caused you as much trouble as you cause yourself by procrastinating, that person would be your sworn enemy.
People with bad handwriting are like Scottish people. You know they’re speaking English and you understand stuff here and there but overall it’s a disaster.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
Nap time would be more useful in high school rather than elementary school
Sleeping in until 11am sounds lazier than waking up at 9am and taking a two hour nap later on in the day.
Whoever spent a few million dollars on a Super Bowl ad that just shows us nothing but a black screen obviously was trying to mess with us.
The first person who will be killed by a sex robot is already walking among us, unaware of how unflattering their obituary is going to read.
Is Scooby Doo named after the brand of snacks he eats, or are we supposed to understand there’s a company that makes snacks just for him?
The person who creates a browser plug-in/extension which totally blocks all references to the Kardashians will be a hero revered by millions.
It takes a genius to design something an idiot can understand.
You always hear people brag about how they learned to swim when their parents just threw them in the deep end, but you never hear from the ones that were thrown in and didn’t learn.