Courtesy of Unknown and Anonymous at the Chive:
Humans require years of training to not sh*t themselves.
The first dude that accidentally drew an optical illusion must’ve thought he was going insane.
The worst part of having the hiccups is having to listen to people tell you their cure for the hiccups.
Receipts are the ghosts of money.
You never realize how loud things are until you’re sneaking around for a midnight snack.
Why do “do what makes you happy” commercials always show people that like to hike/adventure, and not show people that like to sit in a dimly lit room playing video games for hours on end.
Eye glasses make you look smart, but you fail a test to get them.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
For being in the middle of a heroin epidemic, we have some shitty music.
Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a paper trail, but paying with paper currency does not.
People get offended by an innocent fart, yet would bless you for sneezing which could easily give them the flu.
Some muscular hipster should start an artisanal landscaping company. Cutting the grass with a scythe, sh*t like that.
If you hate cats then you’re entitled to your opinion, but if you hate dogs then everyone tries to change your opinion.