Quotes August 11, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
Maybe the reason super villains always spill their evil plan is because the want someone to talk to.
A temporary tattoo on a child is basically just a “last washed” indicator.
If the Big Bad Wolf had hired the Kool Aid man, the 3 Little Pigs would have ended in a totally different way.
Marriage was more appealing when the average life expectancy was only 35.
Door-to-door salesmen are real life pop-up ads.
People think it’s beautiful that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But neither are potato chips.
If you dislike an actor because of a character they played that you hated, they’re a pretty damn good actor.
Getting sweaty palms while climbing tall things seems like something that our bodies shouldn’t do.
You know you’ve grown up when you start having nightmares about real life problems instead of things like dragons and quicksand.
If you tell someone they’re eating “fish,” they won’t question it. If you tell someone they’re eating “mammal” or “bird,” they’re probably going to have some serious follow up questions.
Cracking your knuckles is a real life ability that has a cooldown.
Your future self is talking sh*t about you.
Humans relax to the sounds of birds screaming for sex.
It’s so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone when you don’t find them attractive.
When King Midas touches a Rubiks cube, the cube is technically solved.
Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.
You have to admire the stability of the Mushroom Kingdom while their ruler is kidnapped.
Job hunting while unemployed feels like meticulously searching for new trash cans to put your resume in.
The more hugs you give the more hugs you get.
People who wear glasses or contacts have to pay to see. The rest do for free.
People in sitcoms never laugh at each other’s jokes.
There could have been a moment in history were every single human blinked at the same time, but no one noticed… because no one saw it.
The first guy to hit two birds with one stone must have told EVERYONE.
The fact that spiders don’t live in colonies like ants do is really under appreciated.
Throughout history there has to be at least one chef/cook that was executed because the royal food tester had a fatal allergic reaction to un-poisoned food.
If the saying that each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life is true, then it would take 75,000 cigarettes to take off 1 year of your life. If you smoked a pack a day, every single day, it would take 10 years of smoking to take off 1 year of your life.
Sneezing while driving is seriously underrated as far as frightening events go.
The people who say “life’s not fair, get over it” are usually the people who are directly making life unfair..
The number 0 is like a portal from the positive world to the negative world.
If we allowed people to adopt tigers as pets, we’d probably save the tiger population while getting our own population under control at the same time.
If it wasn’t for smokers, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.
Maybe we are in a simulation, and they make a few people actually experience a flat earth just to mess with us.
Owning a dragon doesn’t sound as cool anymore when you think of all the sh** you’d have to clean up.