Quotes December 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
In a way, your body is just advertisement for your sperm/egg.
There are a lot of lonely old people out there who wish they had company and a lot of young people who wish they still had a grandma or grandpa to visit with.
If you have a child who is too young to use a computer, then as far as your child is concerned, you’re Google.
Our pets probably believe housecleaning is some kind of ritual we use to summon our parents.
If you wore a VR headset linked to a camera drone that was set to follow you from a few feet behind, you could live in third person.
Gravity is creepy when you realize you’re not walking around on a surface, but getting pulled into a burning core of magma.
Bricks are just domesticated rocks.
A character in a video game talking about how beautiful the world appears is just the developers jerking themselves off.
The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.
We don’t realize how much noise we make until we do anything in a room with a person sleeping.
Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.
There was a first person to have ever uploaded porn to the internet, and a first person to have downloaded it, and we will never know who these pioneers were.
There are no real flat-earthers, just a bunch of trolls posing as flat-earthers who think they’re trolling other flat-earthers.
People who say “money can’t buy friendship” aren’t considering you can buy a dog.
We live in a world where people lick other people’s buttholes, but it is still considered nasty to double dip chips.
Imagine how terrified the first person who ever saw a whale was.

You might have a stressful job, but someone, somewhere, is Kim Jong Un’s hairdresser.

Why did the 80s and 90s seem like 2 separate decades when 2000-2018 seemed like just 1?

It’s a good thing men don’t have a limited amount of semen or else the rise of internet porn would have been catastrophic for the human race
Everyone knows about the secret service.
Someone will be that guy that dies an hour before we invent a form of immortality.
An anxiety attack is like when your video game freezes but you can still hear the boss music and your avatar getting slaughtered.
People suggest that sons seek women who resemble their mothers, but don’t consider that they may have the same taste in women as their fathers.
Sarcasm works great through text.
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.
Adults who spoil the end of a movie must be the same kids who circled the Waldo in the library copy of the Where’s Waldo books.
If we mounted video cameras on garbage trucks, Google street view could be updated weekly.
CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine until it works again.