Courtesy of theCHIVE
Maybe little kids have it right when they worship the garbage man, the postman, the guy who drives the semi and cranes, instead of admiring the cesspool of Hollywood that we adults seem to.
Soldiers not only die for us, they kill for us, which is a sacrifice not as often recognized, and must be a terrible burden to bear.
The Milky Way could very well be the galaxy with the most milk in it.
Adults avoid swearing in front of kids. Kids avoid swearing in front of adults. Different reasons though.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly.
If Wolverine can heal/regenerate his wounds, then no matter what, Wolverine is uncircumcised.
Unless Life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
“Synonymous” is synonymous with, but not interchangeable with “interchangeable.”
Baby gates are the exact equivalent to, “This area is locked until you’ve gained more experience.”
This year has probably given Cards Against Humanity enough material for a stand alone 2017 special edition..
Procrastinating is hoping that future you isn’t as lazy as current you.
The first actor who said “curses” while playing a villain may have just been reading the stage directions.
The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more.
Irony is, a bank charging you money for not having enough money.
If you have a pet who constantly tried to escape, then you don’t have a pet. You have a prisoner.
Given how popular it is now, 80’s futuristic synth music turned out to actually be genuinely futuristic.
The first person to take a picture with a flash and get red eyes staring back must have been absolutely terrified
In the old days taping your password to your monitor was idiotic. Now it’s the only place online hackers can’t get to it.
Being an adult is having the “we have food at home” talk with yourself.
Who cares if there’s another habitable planet 11 light years away, most of us are nervous to go to the store.
The best part about switching from iPhone to Android is that the crappy U2 album quits reappearing by itself.
Nowadays, the best way to not leave a paper trail, is to do everything on paper.
If “there’s no such thing as bad press” is true — EA is now in the midst of the greatest advertising campaign in history.
Its common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying.
When you’re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you’re an adult, they’re considered immature.
Batman is essentially a Pay2Win Superhero.
We complain that things are always expensive, but when sold cheap we assume that it’s automatically defective or fake.
“Don’t burn your tongue on free coffee” would make a great modern idiom.
Quotes February 03, 2018
Courtesy of theCHIVE