Quotes July 20, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The biggest downside to cell phones is that instead of an argument being over when you leave for work, now – thanks to texting – the argument can continue All. F*cking. Day.
It is so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally.
The birth rate is going to drop like crazy when all the millennials who can’t afford a house won’t be able to afford a kid either.
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.
We’re afraid if we allow cyclists to share the sidewalk with pedestrians they will hit them. So, instead we make them share the road with a bunch of 2 ton death machines..
Within the next 5 seconds, almost every human heart on the planet will beat.
The moment someone asks for the board game instructions, you know it’s getting serious.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Computers can freeze from overheating.
Nothing is better than when someone brings up an obscure topic that you happen to know a lot about.
Superman’s real superpower is finding white button-up shirts thick enough to hide a bright blue, red and yellow Superman logo underneath without showing through.
Water is a crazy motherf*r. It can burn you to death, freeze you to death, drown your ass, but you need it to live.
If we didn’t already have dogs, trying to start a “Domesticate the Wolf” project now would make you look like a crazy person.
Zombies that rise from the grave would actually be dressed fairly well..
Shows like America’s got talent become more disturbing when you realize it’s just rich people dangling money in front of poor people and telling them to dance.
Rent is a really expensive monthly subscription to not being homeless.
Taking off your working clothes after a long day probably doesn’t even come close to the feeling of knights that got out of their plate armor.
Australia is just Alcatraz that worked out better.
Emo dissapeared because now everyone wants to die and it isn’t special anymore.
A face tattoo is actually the ultimate display of wealth, as it represents never having to work another real job for the rest of your life.
Those bitches on the magic school bus never signed a single permission slip
Poor 13. It just missed the clock, times tables, the dozen, the apostles, the calendar (months) and is considered the unluckiest number. It can’t get a break.