Quotes June 27, 2017


I totally understand how batteries feel because I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Looking back, Kel’s orange soda fetish is kind of weird. Wonder what his FANTAsies were?
Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth)
I wish there was a socially acceptable way to tell strangers you are not interested in having small talk.
Some muscular hipster should start an artisanal landscaping company. Cutting the grass with a scythe, sh*t like that.
If the universe is truly infinite, there’s no such thing as fiction.
Paying with my plastic debit card leaves a paper trail, but paying with paper currency does not.
“A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. ‘There must be some mistake,’ he says to Saint Peter, ‘I’m only 35’.
‘No,’ Saint Peter says, ‘according to our calculations, you’re 82.’
‘How did you work that out?’ the lawyer asked.
‘We added up your time sheets,’ Saint Peter replied.”
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin sons?
Hose A and Hose B.
What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
A garage sale is actually a Garbage sale but the “b” is silent.
Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.
You know those people using bibles on their phones? They are using phony bibles.
Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.
They call me coffee cause I grind so fine.
If I could only take one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t bother going.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
What do you call a big pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.
A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

I think I’m emotionally constipated. I just can’t seem to give a sh*t