Courtesy of theCHIVE
U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
The good thing about being ugly is that when girls laugh at your jokes you know they’re funny.
Barn owls must have been stoked when barns were invented.
Your alarm tone should be randomized every morning so you don’t get conditioned to hate the sound.
Statistically 100% of World Wars are caused by Austrians.
Fake phone numbers in movies should be voicemail lines that just advertise upcoming movies.
You can go the rest of your life without eating or drinking.
Someday archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Harry Potter was recently translated into its 80th language. What if it became a kind of “Rosetta Stone” in the future?
Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.
If the Earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?
What if the reason Kenny’s parents are so poor is because they have to keep paying for funerals?
We always say “stupid autocorrect” but never give it positive feedback for the 97% of the work it does.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Swiss Army knives are like 8% knife.
There are three types of people in the world: People who are happy they bought Bitcoin, people who wish they had bought Bitcoin and people who are waiting for the whole thing to blow up so they can laugh at the first two people.
If identical twin sisters become pregnant from the same guy then their kids will be full siblings genetically speaking.
When someone gets a nose bleed in a movie it’s ominous that they either have cancer or are telepathic. When someone gets a nose bleed IRL it’s because the air is dry or they pick their nose.
Snails and slugs would be the scariest things ever if they were very fast.
If bread goes bad we throw it away, If bananas go bad we make bread out of them.
Maybe North Korea has been trying to hit somebody this whole time, they just play off their misses as “tests”
Sanity is just the belief that the voice inside your head is your own.
The older you get, the happier you are when getting socks as gifts.
At this rate, the winner of “Best Picture” will just be whatever movie has the fewest sex criminals associated with it.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity to redefine “father figure.”
Peeing in public is only forbidden if you open your pants.
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
If Congress was paid the Federal minimum wage the minimum wage would be a lot higher.
So much great porn goes unwatched due to poor thumbnail choices.
Dogs are basically coasting through life on good looks and charm.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth.
Megan Trainor has lost a lot of weight since becoming rich and famous off a song about how men should be attracted to overweight women instead of skinny ones.
They say that great minds think alike, but so do small minds. Never underestimate the power of stupid in large amounts.
Too many birthdays will kill you.
The first lesson in sex ed class should be how much money it costs to care for a child.
It’s a good thing the first person they tested penicillin on wasn’t allergic to penicillin.
Raisins are just grapes who gave up their looks for immortality.
Michael Phelps was born because he was the fastest swimmer..
The fact that there’s a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic.
The best time to look for a new job is when you already have one. The worst time to look for a new girlfriend is when you already have one.
In 40 years, all of the different Spice Girls will just be Old Spice.
If you use a wind farm to power a fan, you’re just teleporting the breeze.
A guy with red haired parents is a Ginger-bred Man.
If ostriches could fly the sky would be a terrifying place.
Anybody that questions why you are shoveling six inches of snow in the *middle* of a snowstorm hasn’t shoveled twelve inches of snow at the end of a snowstorm.
The Olympics is the only time when you hear “Great execution by North Korea” and it seems okay.
The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver.
Imagine how more popular the Olympics would be if it were the leaders competing for their country instead of athletes.
Quotes March 03, 2018
Courtesy of theCHIVE