Quotes May 28, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Using a dollar bill as a book mark is cheaper than buying a bookmark.
Maybe crickets have the exact opposite sense of humor to us, so whenever you hear crickets after a bad joke it’s just your tiny fan club absolutely dying with laughter.
People with poor spelling probably have the best passwords.
If humans have only existed for 0.2% of the earth’s existence, it’s way more likely aliens turned up, saw an empty planet and then left without a second thought.
Even though Stephen Hawking is gone from this earth, they can still use his voice for narration.
Hollywood has no idea what a lower-middle class house actually looks like.
Anxiety is just your brain coming up with fake news.
Anyone who says “bad sex is like a bad pizza, even when it’s bad it’s good” has never had bad sex or a bad pizza.
There is nothing better than realizing, right after you wake up, that you won’t have to face repercussions for the terrible choices you made in your dream.
It must be really hard for an honest person in Nigeria to order anything over the Internet.
 Single men tend to keep their vehicles clean but their houses messy. Single women tend to keep their houses clean but their vehicles messy, hence when you get married, everything is a mess.
 People won’t take 15 seconds to fact check something but will spend 15 minutes to find out what kind of potato they are.
 At one point in our future, someone will be the last person who dies before immortality was achieved. People will feel bad for that person at first, then over time people will be jealous of that person.
  A 15th century army wouldn’t stand a chance against 21st century army, but a 21st century Knight wouldn’t stand a chance against 15th century Knight.
People who run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time really have their lives together.
 Having a large vocabulary is like having a lot of crayons. You rarely use azure or ochre, but it still feels nice to have them in the box.
At any moment you could suddenly wake up from a coma, with the last thing you remember being this moment.
 You never realize how boring some of the scenes of your favorite movies are until you are showing that movie to a friend or family member.
You say tuna fish but you don’t say chicken bird. Why?
Mark Zuckerberg used to be a hero of the digital age, but now he has lived long enough to see himself become the villain.
If car drivers were connected by voice chat if would probably be even way more toxic than voicevchats in online games.
“Based on a true story” movies are all part of the same series.
What if Tinder uses AI to find matches that is knows won’t last long to bring you back to the app for ad revenue and payments?
No one actually eats the ribs when eating ribs.
Nerf would be a lot better if you didn’t have to pick up the darts afterwards.
Lightning ports on iPhones are technically… Apple jacks.
When people are bored in ‘The Sims’ they start to burn everyone and everything to the ground. When people are bored in ‘Grand Theft Auto’ they drive slowly and carefully, sticking to the correct side of the road and obeying traffic lights.
The last ten tissues in a box should be a different color so you know when to buy a new box.
Being 35 and not wanting to work in the field for which you’ve prepared is like being half way through an RPG and realizing you’ve built out your skill tree all wrong and you can’t respect and you can’t make a new character and there will never be another video game again.
There should be a cooking competition show where the contestants can only use kitchen gadgets that are in “as seen on TV” type ads.
The Star Wars opening crawl is still floating through space somewhere.
“Fake it till you make it” is also what people do to fall asleep.
It’s 2018, shouldn’t cereal come in a bag with a zip closure by now?
U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.
The good thing about being ugly is that when girls laugh at your jokes you know they’re funny.
Barn owls must have been stoked when barns were invented.
Earth is a dinosaur planet, and humans are just mutants left over after the apocalypse.
Unless Life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.