Quotes November 14, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

With Jeff Bezos having $116.8 billion and the average person having 100 billion brain cells, Jeff Bezos literally has more money than sense.
One of the most satisfying feelings as a driver is witnessing an asshole driver getting pulled over by the cops for his stupidity.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week’s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Maybe there is no placebo effect and sugar pills just cure everything.
Internet maturity is when you see someone else’s status of them having an awesome time and you say to yourself, “good for them.”
Egg salad is chicken salad that is really underdone.
If everyone paid for the porn they watched the “highest grossing films of all time” list would look remarkably different.
An inflatable guitar is like a carry case for an air guitar.
Your bed never feels more comfortable or a more perfect temperature than when your alarm is going off.
Famous movie quotes are credited to the actor that said them and not the actual writer.
Today’s adults without tattoos will be the cool people in the future when the next generation of kids rebels against tattoos because it’s something their parents have.
Since your internal voice doesn’t have to breath, you can scream internally forever.
Future kids will be flabbergasted that we used to let most humans control cars with only a painted line keeping us from slamming into each other.
We can never tell if cartoon characters watching TV are watching cartoons or live action.
Life would be much more interesting if farts were contagious instead of yawns..
A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…
It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.
At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.
Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.
The WiFi network on board the International Space Station shouldn’t require a password.
The definition of “getting stoned” has drastically changed over the past 2,000 years.
Gambling addiction hotlines would be a lot better if every 5th caller was a winner.
Buying paper plates is essentially just paying money to not do the dishes.
The Royal family is the longest unbroken chain of celebrities who are famous because their parents were famous.
The Viagra commercial always says “Make sure your heart is healthy enough for sex.” That’s a really deep question if you think about it in more of a metaphorical way.
Every relationship has a language, and when you break up, you cannot speak it with anyone anymore.
If you see someone wearing a $20,000 watch it’s hard to know if they’re really good with money or really bad with money.