What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
Fred: What is the name of your dog?
Fred: Does Ginger bite?
Betty: No, but Ginger snaps.
Carol: What’s your pet pig’s name?
Carol: Is that his real name?
Alice: No, that’s his pen name.
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him…
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Yoda, are you sure we’re headed in the right direction?”
“Off course we are…”
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN…
They get really upset.
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?”
If Lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,…
Doesn’t it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 12 to 1.”
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, will you!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes!
Me: I wish for a world without lawyers.
Genie: Done! You have no more wishes.
Me: But you said three?
Genie: Well go ahead, sue me.
I am so old…
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!