Quotes October 23, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

50% of marriage ending in divorce doesn’t sound that bad when you realize the other 50% end in death.

It’s easy to do permanent damage, when you’re temporarily upset.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

A sheep’s super power? Turning grass into wool.

Having a pet is having a mutual understanding with another species that we will not eat each other unless absolutely necessary.

Sometimes being a known as a “good kid” growing up meant you weren’t very good at being a kid.

The Ninja Turtles probably smelled terrible.

Sex between a man and a woman usually involves the woman doing everything she can to orgasm while the man does everything he can to not orgasm.

There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.

Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.

Kids today will never know that unique smell of Blockbuster which was kinda like a mixture of candy and carpet.

If you sat on your own voodoo doll you wouldn’t be able to get up.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

In 60 or so years, nursing homes are going to be filled with high end gaming PC’s.

If you live to be 70 years old you will spend 10 years of your life on Monday.

Whoever coined the phrase “Shit hitting the fan” must have had a terrible experience.

We weren’t given participation ribbons as kids because we couldn’t cope with our disappointment; we were given them because our parents couldn’t.

For the first 8 minutes of your life the sunlight around you is older than you are.

You have to pay additional rent for pets when toddlers are potentially just as if not even more destructive.

Surely by Jurassic Park 5 they have to know the park simply isn’t profitable.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

When you’re in 1st Grade, 6th Graders looked like adults. Then when you’re in 7th Grade, seniors look like adults. Then you’re a senior and you realize you’re still a kid.

The worst moment ever is when you realize that you’re the one who was wrong in the middle of an argument.

We don’t know if Mrs. Incredible is naturally busty or if she just morphs her body to be that way.


Being a Millennial is like joining a game of Monopoly when every property already has a hotel on it.

If you can watch porn on your TV, in the living room, with the volume up, without worrying about getting seen or heard, your living situation is probably in the top percentile of the world.

Robots can do anything we set their mind to.

The first crime committed in year 2000 was very briefly The Crime of the Century.


When you’re high, you think everybody knows it although no one does, and when you’re drunk you think no one knows it although everybody does.

The most underappreciated part of being left handed is writing and using a computer mouse at the same time.

If we, as the Internet, collectively decided to replace every instance of “hacked” with “guessed their password”, maybe people would finally start taking their own security seriously.

Drinking from a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.


A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…

It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.

At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.

Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.


Looking at the moon at night would feel completely different if the Apollo 11 crew couldn’t return home.

The history on your calculator is probably more embarrassing than your browser history.

The best types of people are the ones who tell you they’re listening, when the rest of the group seems to have stopped paying attention.

Car blinkers switching themselves off after you turn is a severely underrated quality of life feature.