Quotes October 28, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

In most groups of friends, one of them will eventually go to all the other friends’ funerals, and one of them won’t go to anyone’s funeral.
A sure sign that you’re getting old is when people start saying “you still got it” in regards to any skill you have.
Shaking hands, giving the peace sign, and bumping fists are all ways to say goodbye. It’s like rock paper scissors, except you want to tie.
It’s weird that there are no commercials for pregnancy tests that show the couple celebrating that they aren’t pregnant.
If you wore a slightly different colored shirt every day for a month, you could end up starting with red and ending with blue and people would think you wore the same color every day.
If your identical twin got plastic surgery, it would be hard not to feel a little insulted.
You can tell who in your family is walking down the stairs by their pace.
Movie theaters will be wasting a huge opportunity if they don’t offer a liter size cola as a drink option during screenings of Super Troopers 2.
If it was more socially acceptable to talk about your finances, more people might be better with their finances.
Anxiety is like worrying that you forgot your car keys even though you are driving your car.
Whoever created the stereotype that men were slobs never had to clean a woman’s bathroom.
If the only surviving relic from humanity is a Nintendo64 controller, they’re going to think we had 3 hands.
There’s only ever been one day. It just keeps moving from one side of the planet to the other.
Having kids is like having little best friends that are broke.
The Simpsons has the same art style as Itchy and Scratchy, so Itchy and Scratchy must be a tv show of real cat and mice.
If Sheldon Cooper was a real person and watched Big Bang Theory. He would most probably think it was awful.
Bob Ross was the original ASMR channel.
This year, Earth Day fell on a SUN Day.
Characters in first-person games never blink.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory since they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
People who say “more money won’t make you happier” have probably never been poor.
For every girl who wonders if a guy is staring at her, there is a guy who accidentally makes eye contact and is now afraid that she thinks he was staring at her.
Sending your spouse a picture of a clean kitchen is the marriage equivalent of sending nudes.
The time interval between closing your eyes and falling asleep is the human equivalent of “waiting for programs to close” before shutting down a computer.
Out of 7 billion people alive, someone, somewhere in the world, qualifies as the worst human alive.
If the CEO of Apple bought an island, it would be an iLand.
Dogs would be the worst poker players because their tail would always give them away.