Quotes September 09, 2017

Courtesy of The Chive:
For a song entitled “Piano Man” it sure does have a lot of harmonica.
My ego makes me think I can do anything, but thankfully my laziness stops me. Perfect balance.

Whenever I try to brush my teeth and multitask I end up brushing the same side of my mouth for 2 minutes.
If alcohol is liquid courage, is caffeine liquid anxiety?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you’re basically living off of taxes because you didn’t pay your taxes.

If i had a dollar for everytime I packed a banana thinking it’d be a quick snack only to forget about it and have it get squished and stink up my backpack, I’d have like 13 dollars.
Pet stores should post “Chameleon” on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.

A program crashing after you try to close it is its way of saying “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
Apples are tastier when you cut them into slices! (No idea why though?)
If I was immortal, I would probably just become a massive procrastinator.
If I had a son or daughter come out and tell me they’re gay, I’d only respond with “I know”. This way, if it’s a prank, they just got pranked back. If they’re serious, I look like an understanding parent. Win-win.
Most of the trash on the streets is from junk food because people that don’t care about their own health aren’t going to care about the health of the planet.
The most dangerous game is resting your eyes after you turned off the alarm clock in the morning.

Without Looney Tunes, I’d likely not appreciate classical music.
The purpose of a lock is to turn a door into a wall.

Clocks went from our pockets onto our wrists and then back into our pockets.
Lying to your therapist is like throwing away money, which is exactly what a crazy person would do.
Ginger is a type of root, and ale is a type of beer. So ginger ale is a type of root beer.
After watching a scary movie, I feel the events that happened could also happen to me. The same is not true for porn.

I like how the term “as f*ck” is a common unit of measurement.