Quotes September 23, 2017

Courtesy of Unknown and Anonymous at the Chive:
Knowing magic isn’t real, makes magic tricks more impressive.
To me, the most unrealistic thing in porn is that the bed doesn’t squeak.
Airlines should provide passengers with a small “survival” kit when they lose your luggage.
As a kid, when I saw a limousine I expected there was some rich or famous person inside. Now, I expect It’s packed with trashy high school kids sharing one bottle of cheap sparkling wine.
As a kid, I really wanted Wolverine’s claws. As an adult, I really want his healing factor.
The Flintstones ran to power their car, unaware that the fuel they needed was actually their pet dinosaur.
My parents told me I’d eventually grow out of cartoons and video games. I think they underestimated how long that would take, though.
Living *with* your parents past a certain age doesn’t make you pathetic, living *off of* your parents past a certain age does.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
No matter what kind of calculator I am using, I am going to hit “clear” multiple times.