Courtesy of A Joke A Day
Wikipedia: “I know everything.”
Google: “I have everything.”
Facebook: “I know everybody.”
Internet: “Without me you’re nothing.”
Electricity: “Keep talking losers.”
By D-Gellybean
A man went to his neighbor and asked, “Can you please lend me your stepladder?”
“I wish I could but I lent it to my son a couple of years back and he never returned it,” the neighbor replied.
“That reminds me. My mom used to say that if you lent something to the one who is born to you it will never come back.”
“I don’t know about that,” the neighbor began, “but in fact it is not my own. It belongs to my dad.”
By Nand Siraskar
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law.
By sarsfieldk
As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked and joined her in pushing her car.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”
“I’m stretching before my run.”
By wadejagz
Little Johnny comes home from school and tells his dad that he failed the safety quiz
Dad: What? How?
Little Johnny: I missed the only question
Dad: What was the question?
Little Johnny: What steps do we take in case of fire?
Dad: And what did you say?
Little Johnny: Well I said really large ones but apparently that’s not right answer!!!
By Egbert
Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting.
We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.
Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed.
At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there.
I said, “No.”
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, “I’m here, Mom, but he won’t let me go home!”
By HENNE
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
By S.Sovetts
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other replies, “Yes, it’s these darn wicker chairs!”
By barber7796
