Tag: thechive

Quotes April 02, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate.
Stoners should adopt retired police dogs so they can always find their stash.
The phrase “well done” for steaks was probably invented by a guy who didn’t want to admit that he burned his steaks.
Every machine can be a smoke machine if it is used wrong enough.
If you wear a sock inside out, the entire universe is wearing your sock… except you
The continent with the most educated workforce is actually Antarctica.
People would buy anything for $0.99, as long as it’s not a mobile app. 
A strip club with no music would be really unsettling.
A staple of Burger King is the random onion ring in the order of fries. 
Viagra is basically caps lock your penis.
2 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 4 steps on a Fitbit.
One of the biggest scams in life was your mom saying she won’t get angry if you say the truth.
The food pyramid is a “pyramid” not “triangle,” so what’s on the other sides?
Ketchup makes bad food taste good and good food taste bad.
Phones used to ring to get your attention, now they always have our attention so they stay on silent.
Maybe people would be better at standing up and talking if we hadn’t been told to sit down and shut up for the first quarter of our lives.
The first sip of coffee from a tall insulated cup with a lid is terrifying.

Quotes March 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
The good thing about being ugly is that when girls laugh at your jokes you know they’re funny.
Barn owls must have been stoked when barns were invented.
Your alarm tone should be randomized every morning so you don’t get conditioned to hate the sound.
Statistically 100% of World Wars are caused by Austrians.
Fake phone numbers in movies should be voicemail lines that just advertise upcoming movies.
You can go the rest of your life without eating or drinking.
Someday archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Harry Potter was recently translated into its 80th language. What if it became a kind of “Rosetta Stone” in the future?
Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.
If the Earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?
What if the reason Kenny’s parents are so poor is because they have to keep paying for funerals?
We always say “stupid autocorrect” but never give it positive feedback for the 97% of the work it does.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Swiss Army knives are like 8% knife.
There are three types of people in the world: People who are happy they bought Bitcoin, people who wish they had bought Bitcoin and people who are waiting for the whole thing to blow up so they can laugh at the first two people.
If identical twin sisters become pregnant from the same guy then their kids will be full siblings genetically speaking.
When someone gets a nose bleed in a movie it’s ominous that they either have cancer or are telepathic. When someone gets a nose bleed IRL it’s because the air is dry or they pick their nose.
Snails and slugs would be the scariest things ever if they were very fast.
If bread goes bad we throw it away, If bananas go bad we make bread out of them.
Maybe North Korea has been trying to hit somebody this whole time, they just play off their misses as “tests”
Sanity is just the belief that the voice inside your head is your own.
The older you get, the happier you are when getting socks as gifts.
At this rate, the winner of “Best Picture” will just be whatever movie has the fewest sex criminals associated with it.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity to redefine “father figure.”
Peeing in public is only forbidden if you open your pants.
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
If Congress was paid the Federal minimum wage the minimum wage would be a lot higher.
So much great porn goes unwatched due to poor thumbnail choices.
Dogs are basically coasting through life on good looks and charm.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth.
Megan Trainor has lost a lot of weight since becoming rich and famous off a song about how men should be attracted to overweight women instead of skinny ones.
They say that great minds think alike, but so do small minds. Never underestimate the power of stupid in large amounts.
Too many birthdays will kill you.
The first lesson in sex ed class should be how much money it costs to care for a child.
It’s a good thing the first person they tested penicillin on wasn’t allergic to penicillin.
Raisins are just grapes who gave up their looks for immortality.
Michael Phelps was born because he was the fastest swimmer..
The fact that there’s a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic.
The best time to look for a new job is when you already have one. The worst time to look for a new girlfriend is when you already have one.
In 40 years, all of the different Spice Girls will just be Old Spice.
If you use a wind farm to power a fan, you’re just teleporting the breeze.
A guy with red haired parents is a Ginger-bred Man.
If ostriches could fly the sky would be a terrifying place.
Anybody that questions why you are shoveling six inches of snow in the *middle* of a snowstorm hasn’t shoveled twelve inches of snow at the end of a snowstorm.
The Olympics is the only time when you hear “Great execution by North Korea” and it seems okay.
The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver.
Imagine how more popular the Olympics would be if it were the leaders competing for their country instead of athletes.

Quotes February 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
Maybe little kids have it right when they worship the garbage man, the postman, the guy who drives the semi and cranes, instead of admiring the cesspool of Hollywood that we adults seem to.
Soldiers not only die for us, they kill for us, which is a sacrifice not as often recognized, and must be a terrible burden to bear.
The Milky Way could very well be the galaxy with the most milk in it.
Adults avoid swearing in front of kids. Kids avoid swearing in front of adults. Different reasons though.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly.
If Wolverine can heal/regenerate his wounds, then no matter what, Wolverine is uncircumcised.
Unless Life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
“Synonymous” is synonymous with, but not interchangeable with “interchangeable.”
Baby gates are the exact equivalent to, “This area is locked until you’ve gained more experience.”
This year has probably given Cards Against Humanity enough material for a stand alone 2017 special edition..
Procrastinating is hoping that future you isn’t as lazy as current you.
The first actor who said “curses” while playing a villain may have just been reading the stage directions.
The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more.
Irony is, a bank charging you money for not having enough money.
If you have a pet who constantly tried to escape, then you don’t have a pet. You have a prisoner.
Given how popular it is now, 80’s futuristic synth music turned out to actually be genuinely futuristic.
The first person to take a picture with a flash and get red eyes staring back must have been absolutely terrified
In the old days taping your password to your monitor was idiotic. Now it’s the only place online hackers can’t get to it.
Being an adult is having the “we have food at home” talk with yourself.
Who cares if there’s another habitable planet 11 light years away, most of us are nervous to go to the store.
The best part about switching from iPhone to Android is that the crappy U2 album quits reappearing by itself.
Nowadays, the best way to not leave a paper trail, is to do everything on paper.
If “there’s no such thing as bad press” is true — EA is now in the midst of the greatest advertising campaign in history.
Its common for babies to fall asleep and wake up in different locations all the time, but as an adult the idea of that happening is terrifying.
When you’re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you’re an adult, they’re considered immature.
Batman is essentially a Pay2Win Superhero.
We complain that things are always expensive, but when sold cheap we assume that it’s automatically defective or fake.
“Don’t burn your tongue on free coffee” would make a great modern idiom.

Quotes January 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
The best liar you know is not the best liar you know.
History classes are going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
Who’s responsible for telling the highways that they are adopted?
The highest honor a spy can receive is an award from the enemy.
All dogs can smell marijuana, but only a few of them are snitches.
Trick shot videos should always begin by the performer drinking an entire beer to prove it isn’t their 468th attempt and chancing a win.
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.
Most people dislike being thought of as “average” yet half of them are worse.
If a vampire put a mirror in one side of a pair of glasses, they could see 360 degrees at one time.
Talking about sex in normal conversation with family, coworkers etc is usually considered taboo, yet talking about ‘trying for kids’ is so normal, your grandma will likely bring it up first.
Life would be a lot more fun without fall damage.
The Simpson’s got so many events correct but none of us will be alive to see what Futurama will get right.
There should be a 3-5 second delay when turning off bedroom lights, so that you can see your way back to bed.
Deciding to have a kid is basically deciding to have a really expensive, exhausting, full-time hobby for 18 years.
“There is no bad publicity” seems to have been proven very false in 2017.
If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn…They’re not giving us anal probes; they’re just trying to speak the language.
Patting down your pockets to make sure you have your wallet, phone and keys is like doing a Quick Save.
It is easier to stay awake till 6 AM than to wake up at 6 AM.
If you were to read somebody’s mind, would you read it in your voice or theirs?
Adult beverages tend to make you act like less of an adult..
Don’t use the bathroom in your dream. It’s a trap.
All new laptops should have a small sliding cover in front of the webcam.
It’s socially acceptable to cough and sneeze, but not to fart despite the fact that coughing and sneezing can spread infection, but farting cannot.
All photos of animals have been taken without their consent.
Rubbing alcohol is for wounds on the outside, but drinking alcohol is for wounds on the inside.
8 hours of drinking is binge drinking, 8 hours of TV is binge watching, 8 hours of sleep is barely enough.
A lighter gets lighter every time you light it.
Swans are loud, territorial, violent, aggressive, terrifying, and an emblem of romantic love.

Quotes December 21, 2017

Every now and then a man’s mind is stretched by a new idea or sensation, and never shrinks back to its former dimensions.
Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.,
physician and writer
Peace is not unity in similarity but unity in diversity, in the comparison and conciliation of differences.
Mikhail Gorbachev,
political leader
A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.
Phil Armstrong,
Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.
Katharine Whitehorn,
A fundamental concern for others in our individual and community lives would go a long way in making the world the better place we so passionately dreamt of.
Nelson Mandela,
activist and political leader
Google should make it so that looking up “Is Santa real?” With safe search on only gives yes answers.
Santa Is a conspiracy that runs so deep that almost everyone is complacent with it. We even go as far as hiring old men to pretend to be Santa just to keep up the facade.
What if Santa Claus is actually real and our parents just give us presents to hide the fact that we are on the naughty list?

Quotes December 04, 2017

Courtesy of theCHIVE:
Intelligent minds presume their own ignorance. Ignorant minds presume their own intelligence.
Raising a child is basically a race against time to see if you can teach a tiny animal everything they need to know in order to avoid going to jail in under 18 years.
If it was actually possible to project a bat signal onto clouds the nights sky would be awash with advertisements in every city.
We complain that things are always expensive, but when sold cheap we assume that it’s automatically defective or fake.
Referring to your employees as “family” is the corporate equivalent to telling a prostitute you love her.
What if Stephen Hawking’s computer got hacked a long time ago and nothing he says is really him?
A child is the most expensive thing you can get for free.
Cold coffee is the same temperature as warm beer.
When you get half a pickle with your sandwich, you are sharing a pickle with a stranger.
Candy corn is just corn turned into corn syrup then back into corn.
Our fingers have fingertips, but our toes don’t have toetips. However, we can still tiptoe, but cannot tipfinger.
If and when colonization on Mars is successful, the path that Curiosity has taken will likely become a tourist destination like the freedom trail in Boston
Considering the health issues associated with sitting in one place for too long, ADHD is probably an evolutionary defense mechanism in response to our society.
Everybody’s lips were probably so f**king chapped during the Ice Age.
A 5-second un-skippable ad seems far more annoying than a 30 second ad you can skip after 5 seconds.

Quotes November 06, 2017

Courtesy of Unknown, Anonymous and The Chive:
I end a lot of my sentences with “just saying” because ending the sentence with “dumb ass” would probably be considered offensive.

Saying there are no aliens in the universe is like scooping a cup of water out of the ocean and saying there is no fish.

A phone can make sound travel faster than the speed of sound.
People born in 1995 are 22 and those born in -22 are 95.
Using your old computer to find a new one is like asking your wife to find you a mistress.
Check fridge, Nothing to eat. Check pantry, nothing to eat. Lower standards, repeat.
It’s socially acceptable to drink cans of soda with over 10 teaspoons of sugar in them, but if you ask for more than 2 teaspoons in your coffee, you’re judged by everyone.
The first man who gave a colorful sparkly stone to a girl really had no idea what he was getting the rest of us into.
We deal with mortality the same way we dealt with homework: postpone the thought of it until we realize we are screwed.
Websites should have a counter for how many times someone else has tried to claim your username
It’s a good thing money isn’t orange or rappers would have a harder time rapping about it.

If cigarettes continue to fall by the wayside to vaping, future kids are going to be talking about how their dad left to get juice ten years ago and never came back.
Conspiracy theories make dumb people feel smart.
People who make pens with caps that don’t fit on the back of the pen are just sadists.

My English teacher says there is a fine line between hyphenated words.