Courtesy of A Joke A Day
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the track.
Submitted by Gegg Smith
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Lawyer: So where’s my present?
Submitted by Gegg Smith
Went to the gym and there’s a new machine.
I used it for an hour and felt sick.
Its good though, it does everything.
Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, etc…
Submitted by Gegg Smith
A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia.
Doc: “Have you tried counting sheep?”
Boxer: “Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up.”
Submitted by Danny Jackson
“What are you going to do this weekend?”
“I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
Submitted by Danny Jackson
When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.
“My husband was home all day!” she fumed.
After I gave her the package, she said, “Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”
Submitted by Bhanu Sandesh
Ten-year-old Tommy greeted his sister’s boy friend very enthusiastically, “That harmonica you gave me for my birthday is easily the best present I have ever had!”
“I’m glad you liked it,” the boyfriend replies.
“Oh yeah! Mother gives me a quarter a day not to play it!”
Submitted by Everleigh
A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
“Gosh, that’s nice to hear,” said Smith, “but I’m kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late.”
The paperboy said, “I know, but I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!”
Submitted by HENNE
The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers.
“Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.”
“Good. So what comes after eight?”
“Nine,” answered Little Johnny.
“And what comes after nine?”
“Ten.”
“And what comes after ten?”
“The Jack.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
Leaving church one Sunday, a middle-aged woman said to her husband, “Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?”
“I didn’t even see her,” replied the husband.
“And that skirt Mrs. Fitzgerald was wearing,” continued the wife. “Don’t tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four?”
“I’m afraid I didn’t notice that either,” said the husband.
“Huh!” scoffed the wife. “A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
Daughter: “My father always said he didn’t like women that drove from the back seat.”
Donna: “What did your mother say to that?”
Daughter: “She said that back seat drivers were no worse than men who cook from the dinning room table.”
Submitted by Egbert
There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
Submitted by maryjones
WCBS Newsradio880 anchor on how quickly the temperature dropped in NYC Tuesday:
“Someone said, ‘The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was as if it saw a state trooper!'”
Submitted by wadejagz
