George Carlin Quotes
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
“Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”
“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”
“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.”
“’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.”
“Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.”
“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.”
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.”
“Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”
“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”
“Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.”
