Courtesy of The Chive:
Ginger Ale is just a more specific Root Beer.
Your parents are more likely to say you’re attractive because you look somewhat like the person they’re attracted to.
Grilled cheese with tomato soup is just another form of pizza.
Stranger Things should have been Strange Things and then Stranger Things 2 could have just been Stranger Things.
2016: The year all your favorite celebrities died 2017: The year all your favorite celebrities were dead to you.
Why does Santa maintain both a naughty and a nice list? Shouldn’t he just keep one, knowing that all of the other children are on the other?
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it straight up.
People will eat the same thing for breakfast every day of their life, but absolutely lose it when they have the same thing for dinner two nights in a row.
If kissing is first base and sex is a home run then getting someone laid is an RBI.
When trips to Mars become possible, we should put Golden Tickets in Mars bars.
A fingerprint sensor on your phone is a one-digit password. (GET IT? ONE DIGIT?! LIKE A FINGER?)
The phrase “Click it or Ticket” shows financial burden is a stronger deterrent than serious injury or death.
A very underrated accomplishment is that toilets don’t require any power to flush.
If a Pinata doesn’t break, is it broken?
There are only 24 minutes per day where the saying “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” is actually true.
A butt load of underwear is exactly one pair.
If you wear a skeleton mask, you’re sandwiching your face between skeletons.
No matter how many lasagnas you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna.
Millennial dead beat dads will go to the store for vape juice and never come home.
The first time someone steals a spaceship and flies away is going to be epic.
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself..
Kidnapping is stealing a person, dognapping is stealing a dog, but catnapping is sleeping.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Adulthood is wanting to cry for 4 days straight but not having the time.
It’s your parents’ fault for raising you that way, it’s your fault for staying that way.
If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old.
If we want to solve the gender equality issues, then we need to start with the pants. Women deserve pockets just as much as anyone else.
If telepathy was real we would all be able to hear each other screaming, “move!” in our heads at the grocery store.
A pet store is a small zoo with free admission.
Human life has started to become less about survival, and more about finding ways to pass the time until we die.
