Tag: Steven Wright

Quotes February 04, 2019

There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
 
 
 
 
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
 
 
 
 
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
 
 
 
 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
 
 
 
 
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
 
 
 
 
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
 
 
 
 
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
 
 
 
 
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
 
 
 
 
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
 
 
 
 
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
 
 
 
 
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
 
 
 
 
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
 
 
 
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
 
 
 
 
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
 
 
 
 
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
 
 
 
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
 
 
 
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
 
 
 
 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
 
 
 
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
 
 
 
 
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
 
 
 
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
 
 
 
 
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 
 
 
 
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
 
 
 
 
A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
 
 
 
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
 
 
 
 
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
 
 
 
 
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
 
 
 
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
 
 
 
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
 
 
 
 
Half the people you know are below average.
 
 
 
 
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
 
 
 
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
 
 
 
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
 
 
 
On the other hand, you have different fingers
 
 
 
 
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I’m Narcissus.
 
 
 
 
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
 
 
 
 
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

Quotes September 05, 2018

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
 
 
 
 
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
 
 
 
 
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
 
 
 
 
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
 
 
 
 
If you’re sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
 
 
 
 
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
 
 
 
 
I had my coathangers spayed.
 
 
 
 
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
 
 
 
 
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
 
 
 
 
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
 
 
 
 
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
 
 
 
 
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
 
 
 
 
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.”
He said, “Yes, but not in a row.
 
 
 
 
I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
 
 
 
 
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

 
 
 
 
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s.
The clerk said, “ten-four.”
 
 
 
 
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.