An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.
“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”
“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”
What kind of alien makes the best of friends?
The one that is down to Earth.
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
He scratched his head, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
A woman sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and ask, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.
The man stands and clears his throat, then says “Plethora” and sits back down.
“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”
A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
A baby camel was born at the zoo last week and the poor thing had no hump…
So they named him Humphrey.
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.
The crew’s foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels… just lean on each other until they arrive.”
A girl in our office, from South American, is always in a hurry…
We call her URGENT-TINA.
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”
The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Yes,” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”
A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
Why didn’t The Terminator upgrade to WINDOWS 10?
I asked him and his reply was, “I still love VISTA baby!”
The teacher said, “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’”
Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.
“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”
“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.
Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”
JOHNNY: “Say Mom, was our baby sent down from heaven?”
MOTHER: “Yes, son.”
JOHNNY: “I guess they like to have things quiet up there, huh?”
My brain travels at the speed of light…
One second it’s here and the next it’s 186,000 miles away.
My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.
I asked him how much he enjoyed it.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college…
I don’t think I can ever pay you back.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, “What companies?”
I replied, “Gas, water, and electricity.”
Top Signs You’re Bored at Work
– You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.
– You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
– You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
– You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
– People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
– No longer content with merely photocopying your rear, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
– You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
– The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.