Tag: Humour

Quotes September 07, 2019

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

 
 
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”
“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?”

“Yeah, we got robbed last night.”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
The official glossary to running late…

“On the way…” – Still in bed.

“In the car…” – In the shower.

“GPS says 35 min…” – Getting ready.

“There’s traffic…” – Leaving the house.

“Parking now…” – 15 minutes out.

“Can’t find a spot…” – 5 minutes out.

“Walking in…” – Looking for a spot.
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?”

“Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
Boss: “The word ‘Impossible’ does not exist in my dictionary!”

Secretary: “Well Sir, maybe you should have checked it first before buying it.”
Submitted by RS
 
 
 
 
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked, “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work”.

I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Submitted by Mary
 
 
 
 
Child: “Mom, can I go out to play?”

Mom: “What? With those holes in your pants?”

Child: (looking down at his pants) “No, with the kids next door…”
Submitted by John W Kirschner
 
 
 
 
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They’re, there, their.
Submitted by Danny Jackson
 
 
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
Submitted by Danny Jackson

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…

Guess I really am… Independent!
Submitted by Danny Jackson
 
 
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?

A mathemachicken.
Submitted by Danny Jackson
 
 
 
 
What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once back inside.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles…

He kept leaving little messages around the house.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and…(pause)…… cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, “I’m not sure, I was born with them.”
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
Death and taxes are inevitable…

But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
One of the oldest dances popular in D.C. has a new name: The Politician.

“All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around.”
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
A pirate walks into a pub on the mainland with an enormous rainbow feathered parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep stares at the rather intimidating bird until he finally gathers enough courage to ask the pirate about it.

He points at the pirate and says, “Where did you get that?”

“Pirate Bay,” the parrot answers, “the place is filled to the brim with ’em!”
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
 
 
Old man walks up and says, “For sixty years I’ve been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year.”

“Why’s that?”

“Better selection of turkeys!”
Submitted by Mac
 
 
 
 
The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans

Old world charm …………………………… No bath
Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ………………………………. No extras
Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge
Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard
Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard
Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap
Cozy …………………………………………. Small
All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps
Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets
Submitted by Anonymous
 
 
 
 
A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”

“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
Submitted by S.Sovetts
 
 
 
 
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied, “Oh I remember!”
Submitted by Tristan Cook
 
 
 
 
A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn’t swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

“Is it true?” the newcomer asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No I can’t,” the captain replied. “Can pilots fly?”
Submitted by wadejagz

Quotes August 26, 2019

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…

But his brother Frank was a monster!
Gregg Smith
 
 
 
 

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
HENNE
 
 
 
 
A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.

“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.

The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”

“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”
Ben Jones
 
 
 
 

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill…

So I sent him a “Get ‘Well’ Soon” card.
Stuart Page
 
 
 
 

On day when returning home from work my wife proceeded to tell me that she had been called into the principal’s office because of the things OUR SON had done at school that day.

We agreed that he should be disciplined the same was I was disciplined when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper.

But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player. So what is a parent to do in this day and age?

We sent him to MY room!
Egbert
 
 
 
 

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
Klein

Quotes August 17, 2019

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

 
 

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.
Danny Jackson
 
 
 
 

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie-talkie.
Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: “Buy a television.”
HENNE
 
 
 
 
Seeing his shares plummet on a black morning during the recession, the boss called to his secretary, “Get my broker, Miss Wilks!”

”Certainly, sir. Stock or pawn?”
D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 

Son to dad: “Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?”

Dad: “My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?”

Son: “One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator.”
KG Raghunandanan
 
 
 
 
What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge?

“Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!”
Jenmo1
 
 
 
 
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German man are watching a street performer. While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?”

The four guys respond to him, “Yes…”

“Oui…”

“Si…”

“Ja!”
ineffable
 
 
 
 
Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
mcdanijt
 
 
 
 
A gorilla walks into a bar and, to the amazement of the bartender, orders a martini. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he is further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.

The bartender takes the $20 bill, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.

“We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.

The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
wadejagz
 
 
 
 
A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”

Bartender replies, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
ERS

Quotes July 08, 2019

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

 
 

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago.

I owe my life to chocolate!
 
 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, “Only caught one, eh?”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.

“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber.

“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”

The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”
 
 

A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.”

And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?”

“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.”

“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.”

The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
 
 

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?”

“Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
Submitted by Gegg Smith
 
 
 
 

THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive- aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
3. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
 
 
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the little man.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the little man.

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“And the clerk asked me, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?'”

“What happened next?” the judge asked.

“I punched him.”
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him…
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Submitted by Stuart Page
 
 
 
 
I started a new job as a security guard last night.
Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.
I am on season 2 already but I don’t know what it has to do with security.
Submitted by Danny Jackson

Quotes June 13, 2019

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”

“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
 
 
There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

“Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband.
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 
A husband comes in from the garage. His wife asks, “What’s wrong?”

He replies, “I lost something. I thought I had put it somewhere safe in the garage.”

“How many safe places are there in the garage?” she asks.

“Clearly one more than I can remember.”
Submitted by wadejagz
 
 
 
 
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take your kid to work Day’.

As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.

Her father asked what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
Submitted by chocco
 
 
 
 
Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math.

“Son, can you explain this to me?”

“Well dad, the teacher didn’t have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!”
Submitted by RS
 
 
 
 
Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
Submitted by Klein
 
 
 
 
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday.

I told her she will if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules.

Otherwise, she will get a cheaper phone because…

It’s my way or the Huawei…
Submitted by Gegg Smith
 
 
 
 
After months of searching, Pat found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked his boss if he might attend.

“For sure,” his boss said. “I was already planning on sending you.”

“You were?”

“Oh yes, who do you think is going to be teaching it?”
Submitted by pinkgalaxy3
 
 
 
 
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.

“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!”

“No,” the woman replied, “I’m just a really bad golfer!”
Submitted by mcdanijt
 
 
 
 
Husband stepping out of the shower, “Honey, I think I’m losing weight finally!”

Wife replies, “Why’s that?”

“My towel’s fitting a lot looser!”
Submitted by Marko

Quotes June 08, 2019

Courtesy of JokeADay

Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
“What does your mother do for a headache?”

“She sends me out to play.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”

“One dollar.”

“You don’t know your arithmetic.”

“You don’t know my father!”
 
 
 
 
A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites.”

“Why thank you,” I replied.

Then he concluded with, “You were mean to everyone.”
Submitted by ERS
 
 
 
 
While on vacation in Spain with my wife, I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Submitted by barber7796
 
 
 
 
It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.

“Who’s winning?” I asked cheerfully.

“I am,” said one.

“No, I am,” said another.

“No,” the father said. “Their mother is!”
Submitted by wadejagz
 
 
 
 
Two windmills are in a field. One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other one says, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”
Submitted by Gegg Smith

Images May 04, 2019


 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

Quotes May 02, 2019

A man went into a bookstore and complained…

“I bought this book from you yesterday, ‘Cowards in History’ and all the pages fell out!”

The sales assistant said, “That’s because it has no spine.”
 
 
 
 
I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived.

The pages are all BLANK!!!

I have no words to express my outrage.
 
 
 
 
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college while working for my parents as their daughter.
 
 
 
 
One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.

He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”
 
 
 
 
The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
 
 
 
 
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.
 
 
 
 
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

“What do you think?” she said

He looked around. “Isn’t this how we got here in the first place?”
 
 
 
 

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
 
 
 
 
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”

Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn’t do my homework last night.”
 
 
 
 
My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation.

When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, “Well, actually, what she said was I was the ‘last resort.'”
 
 
 
 
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.

“Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asks.

“Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replies.
 
 
 
 
An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”
 
 
 
 
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant.
 
 
 
 
I’ve started a new exercise program.

I do twenty sit-ups every morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that SNOOZE button just so many times…
 
 
 
 
What is the name of the first electricity detective?

Sherlock Ohms!
 
 
 
 
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”

Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”

Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”

Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
 
 
 
 
“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”
“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.”

“Did I dial the wrong number?
“No sir, Google bought the pizza store.”

“Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.”
“Okay sir, do you want the usual?”

“The usual? You know what my usual is?”
“According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.”

“Okay, that’s what I want this time too.”
“May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?”

“No, I hate vegetables.”
“But your cholesterol is not good.”

“How do you know?”
“Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“You know what, I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!”

“I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport… it expired 5 weeks ago.”

Quotes April 26, 2019

Army Infantry: An Army grunt stands in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having marched 15 miles, and says, “This sucks.”

Army Ranger: An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 miles, and says with a smile, “This sucks just fine!”

Army Special Forces: A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake “This really sucks, I wish it could suck more…..”

Air Force: An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: “Sure sucks down there!”

Navy: A Naval Officer, sips his coffee, eats a donut on the bridge of the ship as it rains outside looks to the shore and says: “Sure does suck over there.”

Air Force Officer: An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says to his friend, “Man.. Cable’s out! This sucks!”

U.S. Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
14. There are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot.
15. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.
16. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.
The last three rules are courtesy of General Mattis.


Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

Ten rules to live by: (From Admiral Bill McCraven)
Start your day with a task completed
You cannot go it alone
Only the size of your heart matters
Life is not fair, drive on.
Failure can make you stronger
You must dare greatly
Stand up to bullies
Rise to the occasion
Give people hope
Never, ever quit

U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

U.S. Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

U.S. Army Special Forces Rules:

1. Always look cool.
2. Always know where you are.
3. If you do not know where you are – look cool.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on HBO.
4. Ask “what is a gunfight?”
5. Request more funding from Congress with a “killer” Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ‘key’ Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
4. Deploy the Marines.

Quotes April 22, 2019

My youngest son asked me how old I was.

I answered, “39 and holding.”

He thought for a moment and then asked, “But how old would you be if you let go?”
 
 
 
 
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot.

The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left.

The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right.

The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.”
 
 
 
 
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…

So I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi!
 
 
 
 
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, “Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

The second one says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My dad’s a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground.”

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45.”
 
 
 
 
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
 
 
 
 
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this – it’s a hardware problem.”

The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.”

The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working – let’s ship it!”
 
 
 
 
How did the girl break up with tractor salesman?

She sent him a John Deere letter.
 
 
 
 
My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child.

It seems like he never got over it.
 
 
 
 
I set aside a dollar every time a woman found me unattractive…

Now they are starting to find me attractive…
 
 
 
 
Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”

Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”
 
 
 
 
Some things are just better left unsaid…

Which I usually realize right after I’ve said them.
 
 
 
 
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
 
 
 
 
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

 
 
 
 
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, “A good lawyer.”
 
 
 
 
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
 
 
 
 
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”

Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.

The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.

“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”

“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
 
 
 
 
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

 
 
 
 
Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks…

Me?

I wake up feeling more like “Insufficient Funds”.
 
 
 
 
Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.

“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say its OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck…”