Quotes April 13, 2019

Two friends are chatting…

“I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish.”

“What is your wish?”

“That somebody would give me two million dollars.”

 
 
 
 
A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys “R” Us store and stealing a board game…

He got Life.
 
 
 
 
A man is applying for a job in a circus. The interviewer asks: “So what can you do?”

“I can do a really good bird impression” replied the man

“Oh we already have people who do that here, we won’t be needing you for that”

“Oh well,” the man said sadly and flew away.
 
 
 
 
Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, “How many wives can a man have?”

His friend answered, “Sixteen… four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”
 
 
 
 
I don’t know why most people think a dog’s life is so easy.

Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.

He always says, “Rough!”
 
 
 
 

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied, “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.
 
 
 
 

John: “My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses.”

Jack: “Wow, that is incredible!”

John: “Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle.”

 
 
 
 

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender said: “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff.”

“Just call me Hoff,” said the actor.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
 
 
 
 

An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, “You can call me day or night, at this number . . .”

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. “Hey,” he exclaimed, “that’s MY number!”
 
 
 
 
My books all piled on top of me, I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
 
 
 
 
Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Yes, dear.

Woman: Would you die for me?

Man: No… mine is an undying love.

 
 
 
 
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
 
 
 
 
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

 
 
 
 
Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.
 
 
 
 
Fred: “Do you think I have any brains at all?”

John: “Well, how can I put this nicely, I can describe it best like this… If they were to take your brain, roll it into a little ball and roll it down the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down an eight lane freeway.”
 
 
 
 
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.

“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”

“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.

“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”

 
 
 
 
Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions?

It’s called Suture Yourself.
 
 
 
 
The young man comes running into the store and says to his buddy, “Tommy, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Tommy reacts, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answers, “No, I couldn’t tell… but I did get his license plate number!”
 
 
 
 

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
 
 
 
 

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, “Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty.”

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “Depends if you’re drinking or pouring.”