Courtesy of theCHIVE
“A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he’ll never get into water until he’s really learned to swim.”
“An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man’s wife said that he had ‘departed,’ the intellectual replied: ‘When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?’”
“A miser writes his will and names himself as the heir.”
“A sharp wit observes a slow runner: ‘I know just what that gentleman needs.’ ‘What’s that?’ demands the sponsor of the race. ‘He needs a horse, otherwise, he can’t outrun the competition!’”
“Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, ‘Professor, I’m unable to lie down or stand up; I can’t even sit down.’ The doctor responds: ‘I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself.’”
“A coward is asked which are safer, warships or merchant-ships. ‘Dry-docked ships,’ he answers.”
“An envious landlord sees how happy his tenants are. So he evicts them all.”
If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time.
We are more careful with money in video games than we are with money in real life.
Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
If toilet seats in men’s public restrooms automatically went up unless you held them down to sit, people couldn’t pee on the seats
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
Everybody’d think bees are exceptionally cute if they didn’t have stingers.
Betty White outlived jokes about how Betty White is still alive
Anti-vaxxers who vaccinate their pets but not their kids exist.
People say “Break a Leg” so you can get in the cast.
80s and 90s kids got sick of their moms telling them to pause the game, so they grew up, became developers, and invented games that can’t be paused.
The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins.
Comic Con is the best way to see what your favorite characters would look like if they let themselves get out of shape.
Instagram sounds more like a Drug Dealer’s app.
The Lion King is a magical story about a Dictator who assassinated another Dictator and then got usurped by the Dictator’s son in a coup.
Girl Scouts is just a clever way to avoid child labor laws in order to sell cookies door to door.
When you’re a kid, one teacher walking into another teacher’s classroom is the biggest crossover event reality has to offer.
In 50 years, retirement homes will be giant LAN parties.
The only “hangover cure” that actually works is being under 30.
Having your favorite band come visit you in the hospital is a good sign that you’re f*cked.
You know you’re getting old when people stop laughing when you fall down and are instead worried.
Every time someone sets a World Record, the world sets a World Record for number of World Records recorded.
Mumble rappers these days are the same people that struggled to read a paragraph out loud in 10th grade.
Intentionally trying to lose a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 rather than at age 6.
Instead of always trying (failing?) to make chips taste like something in real life, why not just do “science flavor.” Just let the food scientists go nuts and make the thing that tastes the best, without worrying about what it tastes like In the real world.
Really simple paintings like plain white canvases that sell for millions of dollars could probably just be the mafia discretely transferring money.
It’s amazing how people will spend an extra five minutes circling or waiting for a parking space in order to avoid an extra 30 seconds of walking.
If you found the perfect hiding spot, you did not find the perfect hiding spot.
If you think you ever f*cked up bad, just remember somewhere an ant brought borax laced food to the colony killing the queen and the colony
When you live in an apartment building you are relying on dozens of other people to not burn down your house.
As self-driving cars become more the norm, the idea that a friend or family member may arrive dead at your house will be a reality.
Once you become the oldest living human, you are guaranteed to keep that title for the rest of your life.
A shark eating a human because it thought it was a seal is the equivalent of a human eating a raisin cookie thinking it was chocolate chip.
25 years ago seeing a toddler use technology was seen as a stroke of genius, today it is largely met with thoughts of a lack of parenting.
We have created virtual reality goggles, phone apps, TVs as thick as nickles and are planning to go to Mars before we’ve updated traffic lights to register there’s a driver there late at night.
Any stairway is a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough
You can use a finished game of Scrabble to make a crossword puzzle.
You’d think Satan would be considered a good guy after taking the worst people the world has to offer and torturing them for the rest of eternity.
Maybe the grass seems greener on the other side because you’re not over there f*cking it up.
We think of old music as being better than music from the present because we only remember the songs that were good enough to be remembered, but in the present we see an unfiltered stream of everything being made regardless of if it will be remembered for generations or forgotten quickly.
As a kid you wish to be an adult so you can eat whatever you want. As an adult you wish to be a kid so you can eat whatever you want.
You’re only afraid of being alone in the dark because you’re afraid you are not alone.
Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white cat hair all over their clothes.
If 99% people find you unattractive then 75,000,000 on Earth people still find you attractive.
A railroad is basically a roller coaster that gave up on his dreams and got a real job.
If you’re famous, you can’t be an extra in a movie. You can only have cameos.
If real animals were Pokémon, kangaroos would just be the evolved form of rabbits.
A theater could make money off the people who sneak snacks in by opening a store, that sells that stuff, near their theater.
Shows with laugh tracks would be actually funny if the laugh track were replaced with the sound of just one guy laughing hysterically.
The brain is the most important organ you have… according to the brain.
