Tag: thechive

Quotes January 03, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

 
 
 
 
More time is spent checking your speedometer while going through School Zones than actually watching for wandering schoolchildren.
 
 
 
 
Disaster movies really over estimate the average news anchors commitment to their job.
 
 
 
 
Ironically, the Internet was actually created to save us time.
 
 
 
 
If you pay to see the results of an online IQ test, then you failed the test.
 
 
 
 

Quotes December 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
 
 
 
 
In a way, your body is just advertisement for your sperm/egg.
 
 
 
 
There are a lot of lonely old people out there who wish they had company and a lot of young people who wish they still had a grandma or grandpa to visit with.
 
 
 
 
If you have a child who is too young to use a computer, then as far as your child is concerned, you’re Google.
 
 
 
 
Our pets probably believe housecleaning is some kind of ritual we use to summon our parents.
 
 
 
 
If you wore a VR headset linked to a camera drone that was set to follow you from a few feet behind, you could live in third person.
 
 
 
 
Gravity is creepy when you realize you’re not walking around on a surface, but getting pulled into a burning core of magma.
 
 
 
 
Bricks are just domesticated rocks.
 
 
 
 
A character in a video game talking about how beautiful the world appears is just the developers jerking themselves off.
 
 
 
 
The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.
 
 
 
 
We don’t realize how much noise we make until we do anything in a room with a person sleeping.
 
 
 
 
Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.
 
 
 
 
There was a first person to have ever uploaded porn to the internet, and a first person to have downloaded it, and we will never know who these pioneers were.
 
 
 
 
There are no real flat-earthers, just a bunch of trolls posing as flat-earthers who think they’re trolling other flat-earthers.
 
 
 
 
People who say “money can’t buy friendship” aren’t considering you can buy a dog.
 
 
 
 
We live in a world where people lick other people’s buttholes, but it is still considered nasty to double dip chips.
 
 
 
 
Imagine how terrified the first person who ever saw a whale was.

 
 
 
 
You might have a stressful job, but someone, somewhere, is Kim Jong Un’s hairdresser.
 
 
 
 

Why did the 80s and 90s seem like 2 separate decades when 2000-2018 seemed like just 1?
 
 
 
 

It’s a good thing men don’t have a limited amount of semen or else the rise of internet porn would have been catastrophic for the human race
 
 
 
 
Everyone knows about the secret service.
 
 
 
 
Someone will be that guy that dies an hour before we invent a form of immortality.
 
 
 
 
An anxiety attack is like when your video game freezes but you can still hear the boss music and your avatar getting slaughtered.
 
 
 
 
People suggest that sons seek women who resemble their mothers, but don’t consider that they may have the same taste in women as their fathers.
 
 
 
 
Sarcasm works great through text.
 
 
 
 
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.
 
 
 
 
Adults who spoil the end of a movie must be the same kids who circled the Waldo in the library copy of the Where’s Waldo books.
 
 
 
 
If we mounted video cameras on garbage trucks, Google street view could be updated weekly.
 
 
 
 
CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine until it works again.

Quotes November 05, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Every day that you’ve randomly seen an ambulance is a day that someone else will never forget.
 
 
 
 
Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80 years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have actually lived longer.
 
 
 
 
Someone with 6 fingers on one hand could rake in big bucks asking others to guess the amount of fingers extended behind their back.
 
 
 
 
There’s probably over billions of hours of concert footage on phones that no ones watched, nor would ever want to.
 
 
 
 
It is great that the first person they tested penicillin on was not allergic to penicillin.
 
 
 
 
Notice how the friends that never text you back are the ones always on their phones when you see them.
 
 
 
 
It’s interesting how the people who keep “getting hacked” on FB are the same people who keep trading all of their info to find out which brunch food they are.
 
 
 
 
It’s amusing that there’s an entire generation of people that associates bobsledding with a small tropical country in the Caribbean.
 
 
 
 
Bill Gates is like a video game character that has everything unlocked and all he can do now is personal challenges to pass the time.
 
 
 
 
Seeing a UPS truck as an adult is the childhood equivalent of seeing an ice cream truck.

Quotes October 01, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

In 2008, the 90’s felt like “the 90’s”. It’s 2018 and the 2000’s don’t feel like “the 2000’s”, they just make you go “Holy shit that was 10 years ago?”
 
 
 
 
If salt is supposed to repel ghosts and demons, then the ocean must be the least haunted place on Earth.
 
 
 
 
It’s ironic how bedhead can make you look homeless.
 
 
 
 
We’ve created a culture that pressures people so much that they feel the need to go into work with the flu…which is a contagious illness.
 
 
 
 
Jenga is kinda the opposite of Tetris
 
 
 
 
If salt is supposed to repel ghosts and demons, then the ocean must be the least haunted place on Earth.
 
 
 
 
Surgery is just basically stabbing someone to life.
 
 
 
 
Puberty is just forced updates.
 
 
 
 
Women must find Dad jokes attractive, or they’d be known as bachelor jokes.
 
 
 
 
It’s weird to think that night time is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame.
 
 
 
 
Whoever got the contract to supply Amazon with cardboard boxes is doing pretty well.
 
 
 
 
The difference between a scary movie and a scary book is that in a movie you see someone elses fears, while reading a book you imagine your own deepest fears.
 
 
 
 
A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up.
 
 
 
 
Going to bed without having to set an alarm is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.
 
 
 
 
Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.
 
 
 
 
Fishing is only relaxing because fish don’t scream like hell when pulled out of the water.
 
 
 
 
At some point in history, the idea of recording a sound must have seemed as intangible as recording a smell seems now.
 
 
 
 
Death would be infinitely scarier if it only happened to some people and not others.
 
 
 
 
A smart refrigerator isn’t one with screens, cameras, and wifi. It’s one that knows to dim the light when you open it at 3 a.m.

Quotes September 02, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Banks give you free lollipops they bought with your money.
 
 
 
 
Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.
 
 
 
 
Why is it a “wedding ring”? Shouldn’t it be a “marriage ring”?
 
 
 
 
Thanks to Elon Musk, there is now a non-zero chance of getting into a car accident in space.
 
 
 
 
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
 
 
 
 
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
 
 
 
 
Considering how prestigious it was, Hogwarts was pretty bad at background checks for teachers.
 
 
 
 
Imagine living with an alien species whose food is so amazing that you’d risk punishment just to eat the inedible plastic containers that the food came in. That’s a dog’s point of view.
 
 
 
 
Nudists must have a hard time cleaning their glasses.
 
 
 
 
In the future Elon Musk might be a DLC character in Civilization sequels.
 
 
 
 
One of these days, photo editing will have become so advanced, that a picture of you stabbing someone in the face won’t count as conclusive proof on its own.
 
 
 
 
You still have imaginary friends. They’re people that you think of as an actual friend – but really, you’re just imagining it.
 
 
 
 
What a second. H8 = hate But h+eight = height.
 
 
 
 
Naming a city Townsville is like naming it Citycity.
 
 
 
 
You know you’re Googling something bad when halfway through your query, Google stops making suggestions as if to say, “Okay you’re on your own with this one, buddy.”
 
 
 
 
Every line in Finland is a Finnish line.
 
 
 
 
No matter what business it is now you can always tell when it used to be a Pizza Hut.
 
 
 
 
You don’t realize how strong your legs are until you try to do a handstand.
 
 
 
 
When you think about it, Shakespeare WAS the result of billions of monkeys trying to write stuff randomly for millions of years.

Quotes August 11, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

 
 
 
 
If Dr. Seuss were reincarnated today, he would become a legend in the rap/hip hop world.
 
 
 
 
The “Spring Forward” thing would be a lot more popular if we moved the clocks ahead at 2PM on Monday.
 
 
 
 
Candles are just pet fires.
 
 
 
 
We dumb down our vocabulary to babies at a time when their minds are most capable of learning language.
 
 
 
 
There’s so many talented people we will never hear of because of their lack of confidence.
 
 
 
 
If you ever feel like nobody notices or cares about you, remember that there are 4 other members of Maroon 5.
 
 
 
 
If boys screamed at girl bands the way girls scream at boy bands it would be terrifying and hilarious.
 
 
 
 
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
 
 
 
 
We live in a world where a can of nuts must say “Contains: Nuts”
 
 
 
 
College students don’t want to go to graduation ceremonies, but they go to please their relatives, while relatives don’t want to go but go to support the students; we should all just be honest and skip that ceremony and go out for pizza.
 
 
 
 
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
 
 
 
 
In school the lesson comes before the test but in life the test comes before the lesson.
 
 
 
 
Life is just a really complicated exam, in which most people fail by copying from others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper.
 
 
 
 
If people actually lived every day as if it were their last, basically nobody would ever go to work or school again.
 
 
 
 
The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that the they eventually use all the skills they learned in school.

Quotes August 06, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Maybe the ancient Greeks didn’t actually believe their mythology and it was just a really big franchise like Star Wars.
 
 
 
 
Soon there will be a generation that only knows Dwayne Johnson as an actor, and not a rock.
 
 
 
 
In a zombie apocalypse eventually there are gonna be houses filled with smoke alarms with low battery beeping that may distract the zombies.
 
 
 
 
Of course your mother tells you you are gorgeous, you are a mix between herself and the person she chose to have sex with.
 
 
 
 
What if oxygen makes our voices deep and helium brings it back to normal?
 
 
 
 
If dogs were able to drive then all they would do is go buy food and stalk their owners.
 
 
 
 
Caffeinated drinks should have to advertise “caffeine by volume” the same way alcoholic drinks report “alcohol by volume.”
 
 
 
 
The fact that today (2-2) is not considered ‘National Ballet day’ seems like a huge missed opportunity.
 
 
 
 
If there’s a heaven, it’d better involve stepping in and having all the pets you’ve ever owned already there waiting, losing their shit because they’re happy you’re home.
 
 
 
 
If someone else caused you as much trouble as you cause yourself by procrastinating, that person would be your sworn enemy.
 
 
 
 
People with bad handwriting are like Scottish people. You know they’re speaking English and you understand stuff here and there but overall it’s a disaster.
 
 
 
 
Let’s take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
 
 
 
 
Nap time would be more useful in high school rather than elementary school
 
 
 
 
Sleeping in until 11am sounds lazier than waking up at 9am and taking a two hour nap later on in the day.
 
 
 
 
Whoever spent a few million dollars on a Super Bowl ad that just shows us nothing but a black screen obviously was trying to mess with us.
 
 
 
 
The first person who will be killed by a sex robot is already walking among us, unaware of how unflattering their obituary is going to read.
 
 
 
 
Is Scooby Doo named after the brand of snacks he eats, or are we supposed to understand there’s a company that makes snacks just for him?
 
 
 
 
The person who creates a browser plug-in/extension which totally blocks all references to the Kardashians will be a hero revered by millions.
 
 
 
 
It takes a genius to design something an idiot can understand.
 
 
 
 
You always hear people brag about how they learned to swim when their parents just threw them in the deep end, but you never hear from the ones that were thrown in and didn’t learn.

Quotes July 02, 2018

All quotes courtesy of theCHIVE

Monday the 13th sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.
 
 
 
 
We’ve stepped on the moon. But we still haven’t mastered that awkward delay between studio anchor and field reporter.
 
 
 
 
Any sleep you get after 8 hours, should roll over to the next night.
 
 
 
 
It’s weird that horrible and terrible are synonyms, but horrific and terrific are antonyms.
 
 
 
 
If a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie turn into a vampire, or does the vampire turn into a zombie?
 
 
 
 
Batman has been ‘ridding Gotham of crime for decades now and it’s still full of criminals. He’s doing a really bad job.
 
 
 
 
The idea that you shouldn’t shop for groceries while hungry also applies to dating. Never browse through online dating sites while “lonely”.
 
 
 
 
A bank teller is also a fortune teller.
 
 
 
 
Chess was one of the first games to feature a strong female lead.
 
 
 
 
Military surplus stores make you buy equipment that you already paid for.
 
 
 
 
It’s 2018. A waffle iron should come packaged with the correct size cup for scooping batter into the iron so you do not need to guess how much is too much.
 
 
 
 
Bill Gates’ kids have never had the experience of trying to walk your parents through something simple on a computer.
 
 
 
 
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there’s something cool to see.
 
 
 
 
It’s so easy to fall asleep on a couch, until you actually need to fall asleep on a couch.
 
 
 
 
There should be a noodle brand named “Karma” so people can make themselves a cup of “Instant Karma.”
 
 
 
 
If someone sued over luggage, it could be a suit suit or a case case.
 
 
 
 
Pinterest is like a virus that infected the google image search.
 
 
 
 
If people grew vegetables like they do marijuana we would have the healthiest, tastiest vegetables ever.
 
 
 
 
If you walk into somebody’s bathroom, and see anti-dandruff shampoo, you could assume that they have dandruff, but you could also assume they don’t have dandruff.
 
 
 
 
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
 
 
 
 
We all just walk around pretending it’s not weird that one of our hands is better at stuff than the other.
 
 
 
 
Websites should tell you what their password requirements are on the login screen so you can remember which version of your password you used.
 
 
 
 
MTV should do do a version of Catfish where they follow people looking for a job and reveal how often they are “Catfished” by lies and misrepresentations in job descriptions.
 
 
 
 
Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman.
 
 
 
 
There should be a game where it starts with old school graphics and as you level up it gets better and better.
 
 
 
 
C-3PO is fluent in over 6 million languages, but due to the design of his arms he’ll never be able to do sign language.
 
 
 
 
It’s a missed opportunity that Bruno Mars fans aren’t referred to as Martians.
 
 
 
 

Life would be a lot easier if people’s physical appearances changed according to how good or bad they treated others.

Quotes June 04, 2018

All quotes courtesy of theCHIVE

You know you had a good break from work when you come back and can’t remember any passwords.
 
 
 
 
Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you aren’t alone is either the best or the worst feeling.
 
 
 
 
Smelling is just breathing normally and thinking about it more.
 
 
 
 
They should make a Florida Man video game. Think GTA but your tasks and weapons are based on real headlines.
 
 
 
 
January 1st 2000 is now the fake DOB used to get past age verification sites.
 
 
 
 
When people are annoyed that a business is closed on a holiday, they are basically annoyed that someone is treating their employees well.
 
 
 
 
“One of the servers just died.” In IT, that’s pretty bad. In a restaurant, that’s REALLY bad.
 
 
 
 
If someone guessed the year the world would end correctly they wouldn’t get the credit they deserved.
 
 
 
 
Goths must be so annoyed that it’s now mainstream to hate life and other people.
 
 
 
 
Buying an ipad to replace a laptop is trading port ability for portability.
 
 
 
 
We’ll really know inflation when we need to pay more than 99 cents for an Arizona Tea.
 
 
 
 
Why is “Sean” pronounced as “Shawn” instead of “Seen” but “Dean” is pronounced “Deen” instead of “Dawn”?
 
 
 
 
If you place a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room you can wirelessly transmit water.

Quotes May 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can’t find any enemies.
 
 
 
 
Do crabs think we’re walking sideways?
 
 
 
 
“What did we do to deserve dogs?” Well, we literally genetically engineered them to like us … that’s what we did.
 
 
 
 
A lot of people are going to be pissed when they find out their self-driving car wont go 60 in a 55.
 
 
 
 
The real life equivalent of a repost is when someone says a joke and no one hears it, then someone else says the exact same thing and everyone laughs.
 
 
 
 
As you get older, receiving new underwear and socks as gifts gets exponentially better.
 
 
 
 
We should all brag about how much tax we pay instead of how much money we make so rich people will want to actually pay them.
 
 
 
 
We want to make AI seem more human while actual people are forced to work like robots and show little emotion on the job.
 
 
 
 
Your computer saying it needs you to have Admin privileges is like it asking to see the manager.
 
 
 
 
Holding down the power button to turn something off is the equivalent of choking it until it’s unconscious.
 
 
 
 
Nobody gives grass the credit it deserves for making Earth not look like a big ball of wet dirt.
 
 
 
 
The headlines “Bitcoin hit’s new all time high of $10k” and “Bitcoin crashes to $10k” are less than two months apart from each other…
 
 
 
 
You should be able to yell “be right there!” to your cell phone if you’re running to get it. Then it could ring a few extra times in order to give you a chance to pick up.
 
 
 
 
Slang is just slang for “short language.”
 
 
 
 
Language is just agreed upon gibberish.
 
 
 
 
Google Translate is like a person who knows many languages but is not good at any of them.
 
 
 
 
You know you’ve listened to an album too much when your brain plays the intro to the next song before it actually starts playing.
 
 
 
 
Eating blueberries is like a Russian Roulette of sweet, sour, and terrible.
 
 
 
 
Nowadays it is almost rude to ask a question instead of Googling it first.
 
 
 
 
Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert.
 
 
 
 
Uber should have a “Feeling talkative? Yes/No” button so passengers can enjoy some quiet without seeming rude.
 
 
 
 

Eating lunch alone as a kid is like torture, getting to eat lunch alone as an adult is a nice treat.