Tag: thechive

Quotes November 14, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

With Jeff Bezos having $116.8 billion and the average person having 100 billion brain cells, Jeff Bezos literally has more money than sense.
One of the most satisfying feelings as a driver is witnessing an asshole driver getting pulled over by the cops for his stupidity.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week’s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Maybe there is no placebo effect and sugar pills just cure everything.
Internet maturity is when you see someone else’s status of them having an awesome time and you say to yourself, “good for them.”
Egg salad is chicken salad that is really underdone.
If everyone paid for the porn they watched the “highest grossing films of all time” list would look remarkably different.
An inflatable guitar is like a carry case for an air guitar.
Your bed never feels more comfortable or a more perfect temperature than when your alarm is going off.
Famous movie quotes are credited to the actor that said them and not the actual writer.
Today’s adults without tattoos will be the cool people in the future when the next generation of kids rebels against tattoos because it’s something their parents have.
Since your internal voice doesn’t have to breath, you can scream internally forever.
Future kids will be flabbergasted that we used to let most humans control cars with only a painted line keeping us from slamming into each other.
We can never tell if cartoon characters watching TV are watching cartoons or live action.
Life would be much more interesting if farts were contagious instead of yawns..
A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…
It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.
At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.
Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.
The WiFi network on board the International Space Station shouldn’t require a password.
The definition of “getting stoned” has drastically changed over the past 2,000 years.
Gambling addiction hotlines would be a lot better if every 5th caller was a winner.
Buying paper plates is essentially just paying money to not do the dishes.
The Royal family is the longest unbroken chain of celebrities who are famous because their parents were famous.
The Viagra commercial always says “Make sure your heart is healthy enough for sex.” That’s a really deep question if you think about it in more of a metaphorical way.
Every relationship has a language, and when you break up, you cannot speak it with anyone anymore.
If you see someone wearing a $20,000 watch it’s hard to know if they’re really good with money or really bad with money.

Quotes October 28, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

In most groups of friends, one of them will eventually go to all the other friends’ funerals, and one of them won’t go to anyone’s funeral.
A sure sign that you’re getting old is when people start saying “you still got it” in regards to any skill you have.
Shaking hands, giving the peace sign, and bumping fists are all ways to say goodbye. It’s like rock paper scissors, except you want to tie.
It’s weird that there are no commercials for pregnancy tests that show the couple celebrating that they aren’t pregnant.
If you wore a slightly different colored shirt every day for a month, you could end up starting with red and ending with blue and people would think you wore the same color every day.
If your identical twin got plastic surgery, it would be hard not to feel a little insulted.
You can tell who in your family is walking down the stairs by their pace.
Movie theaters will be wasting a huge opportunity if they don’t offer a liter size cola as a drink option during screenings of Super Troopers 2.
If it was more socially acceptable to talk about your finances, more people might be better with their finances.
Anxiety is like worrying that you forgot your car keys even though you are driving your car.
Whoever created the stereotype that men were slobs never had to clean a woman’s bathroom.
If the only surviving relic from humanity is a Nintendo64 controller, they’re going to think we had 3 hands.
There’s only ever been one day. It just keeps moving from one side of the planet to the other.
Having kids is like having little best friends that are broke.
The Simpsons has the same art style as Itchy and Scratchy, so Itchy and Scratchy must be a tv show of real cat and mice.
If Sheldon Cooper was a real person and watched Big Bang Theory. He would most probably think it was awful.
Bob Ross was the original ASMR channel.
This year, Earth Day fell on a SUN Day.
Characters in first-person games never blink.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory since they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
People who say “more money won’t make you happier” have probably never been poor.
For every girl who wonders if a guy is staring at her, there is a guy who accidentally makes eye contact and is now afraid that she thinks he was staring at her.
Sending your spouse a picture of a clean kitchen is the marriage equivalent of sending nudes.
The time interval between closing your eyes and falling asleep is the human equivalent of “waiting for programs to close” before shutting down a computer.
Out of 7 billion people alive, someone, somewhere in the world, qualifies as the worst human alive.
If the CEO of Apple bought an island, it would be an iLand.
Dogs would be the worst poker players because their tail would always give them away.

Quotes October 23, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

50% of marriage ending in divorce doesn’t sound that bad when you realize the other 50% end in death.

It’s easy to do permanent damage, when you’re temporarily upset.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

A sheep’s super power? Turning grass into wool.

Having a pet is having a mutual understanding with another species that we will not eat each other unless absolutely necessary.

Sometimes being a known as a “good kid” growing up meant you weren’t very good at being a kid.

The Ninja Turtles probably smelled terrible.

Sex between a man and a woman usually involves the woman doing everything she can to orgasm while the man does everything he can to not orgasm.

There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.

Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.

Kids today will never know that unique smell of Blockbuster which was kinda like a mixture of candy and carpet.

If you sat on your own voodoo doll you wouldn’t be able to get up.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

In 60 or so years, nursing homes are going to be filled with high end gaming PC’s.

If you live to be 70 years old you will spend 10 years of your life on Monday.

Whoever coined the phrase “Shit hitting the fan” must have had a terrible experience.

We weren’t given participation ribbons as kids because we couldn’t cope with our disappointment; we were given them because our parents couldn’t.

For the first 8 minutes of your life the sunlight around you is older than you are.

You have to pay additional rent for pets when toddlers are potentially just as if not even more destructive.

Surely by Jurassic Park 5 they have to know the park simply isn’t profitable.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

When you’re in 1st Grade, 6th Graders looked like adults. Then when you’re in 7th Grade, seniors look like adults. Then you’re a senior and you realize you’re still a kid.

The worst moment ever is when you realize that you’re the one who was wrong in the middle of an argument.

We don’t know if Mrs. Incredible is naturally busty or if she just morphs her body to be that way.


Being a Millennial is like joining a game of Monopoly when every property already has a hotel on it.

If you can watch porn on your TV, in the living room, with the volume up, without worrying about getting seen or heard, your living situation is probably in the top percentile of the world.

Robots can do anything we set their mind to.

The first crime committed in year 2000 was very briefly The Crime of the Century.


When you’re high, you think everybody knows it although no one does, and when you’re drunk you think no one knows it although everybody does.

The most underappreciated part of being left handed is writing and using a computer mouse at the same time.

If we, as the Internet, collectively decided to replace every instance of “hacked” with “guessed their password”, maybe people would finally start taking their own security seriously.

Drinking from a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.


A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…

It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.

At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.

Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.


Looking at the moon at night would feel completely different if the Apollo 11 crew couldn’t return home.

The history on your calculator is probably more embarrassing than your browser history.

The best types of people are the ones who tell you they’re listening, when the rest of the group seems to have stopped paying attention.

Car blinkers switching themselves off after you turn is a severely underrated quality of life feature.

Quotes October 09, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

People say not to eat a snack before a meal because “it will spoil your appetite,” but people pay for appetizers and suddenly it’s ok to eat a snack before a meal.
A person who is 80 years old has seen almost one third of US history
With the rise of sex robots and self-driving cars, there will soon be a country song where the singer’s girlfriend broke down and his truck left him.
8 hours of free time sounds a lot more than 8 hours of sleep
Once fully autonomous vehicles become standard, we will actually have to leave on time because they probably won’t speed for us.
Time doesn’t heal everything, but it sure does kill everything
Nothing is more discouraging than being excited to tell a friend or significant other something and them not giving a s@@@ about it.
Betty Marion White was born in 1922; the first BMW car made was in 1928. Betty White is the original BMW.
Night is the natural state of the universe. Day is only caused by a massive fiery ball that just so happens to be nearby.
“Nice sweater, did your mother make it for you?” Is a sarcastic insult in elementary school, and a genuine compliment in adulthood.
Somewhere out there is a pen that holds the world record for most times stolen.
Soda, juice, and even water have nutrition labels on them, but alcoholic beverages don’t.
The longer you lie in bed unable to fall asleep, the louder your thoughts get.
Typing on a real keyboard requires almost exclusively fingers that aren’t thumbs, while typing on a phone’s keyboard requires nothing but thumbs.
Nothing says “this is someone else’s problem” quite like a leaf blower.
Mondays are fine. You just hate your job.
You realize you’re getting older when the main characters aren’t your age anymore.
Your brain can analyse the layout of your whole room in near complete darkness, just by seeing the dimly lit side of an object.
The difference between a good guy and a bad guy in movies is that a good guy can always reach an object when they’re being pinned down.
Any fact about yourself that you’ve never told to anyone is technically one of the unknown secrets of the universe
It’s amazing that society thinks much more highly of you if your shirt has an extra flap of fabric folded off the neck.
Since your memory prioritizes remembering things that are out of the ordinary, cringing at your past self for screwing up just indicates that screwing up is not a regular thing you do.
People who can get their point across without cursing are a dying breed.
Knowing how fast your car can go from 60-0 is so much more important than know how fast it can go from 0-60.
As a kid, you hate naps but adults make you. As an adult, you’d love to take a nap but no one will let you.
Despite all the time spent on smartphones, people don’t seem to have them in their dreams.

Quotes August 11, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
Maybe the reason super villains always spill their evil plan is because the want someone to talk to.
A temporary tattoo on a child is basically just a “last washed” indicator.
If the Big Bad Wolf had hired the Kool Aid man, the 3 Little Pigs would have ended in a totally different way.
Marriage was more appealing when the average life expectancy was only 35.
Door-to-door salesmen are real life pop-up ads.
People think it’s beautiful that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But neither are potato chips.
If you dislike an actor because of a character they played that you hated, they’re a pretty damn good actor.
Getting sweaty palms while climbing tall things seems like something that our bodies shouldn’t do.
You know you’ve grown up when you start having nightmares about real life problems instead of things like dragons and quicksand.
If you tell someone they’re eating “fish,” they won’t question it. If you tell someone they’re eating “mammal” or “bird,” they’re probably going to have some serious follow up questions.
Cracking your knuckles is a real life ability that has a cooldown.
Your future self is talking sh*t about you.
Humans relax to the sounds of birds screaming for sex.
It’s so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone when you don’t find them attractive.
When King Midas touches a Rubiks cube, the cube is technically solved.
Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.
You have to admire the stability of the Mushroom Kingdom while their ruler is kidnapped.
Job hunting while unemployed feels like meticulously searching for new trash cans to put your resume in.
The more hugs you give the more hugs you get.
People who wear glasses or contacts have to pay to see. The rest do for free.
People in sitcoms never laugh at each other’s jokes.
There could have been a moment in history were every single human blinked at the same time, but no one noticed… because no one saw it.
The first guy to hit two birds with one stone must have told EVERYONE.
The fact that spiders don’t live in colonies like ants do is really under appreciated.
Throughout history there has to be at least one chef/cook that was executed because the royal food tester had a fatal allergic reaction to un-poisoned food.
If the saying that each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life is true, then it would take 75,000 cigarettes to take off 1 year of your life. If you smoked a pack a day, every single day, it would take 10 years of smoking to take off 1 year of your life.
Sneezing while driving is seriously underrated as far as frightening events go.
The people who say “life’s not fair, get over it” are usually the people who are directly making life unfair..
The number 0 is like a portal from the positive world to the negative world.
If we allowed people to adopt tigers as pets, we’d probably save the tiger population while getting our own population under control at the same time.
If it wasn’t for smokers, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.
Maybe we are in a simulation, and they make a few people actually experience a flat earth just to mess with us.
Owning a dragon doesn’t sound as cool anymore when you think of all the sh** you’d have to clean up.

Quotes July 20, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The biggest downside to cell phones is that instead of an argument being over when you leave for work, now – thanks to texting – the argument can continue All. F*cking. Day.
It is so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally.
The birth rate is going to drop like crazy when all the millennials who can’t afford a house won’t be able to afford a kid either.
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.
We’re afraid if we allow cyclists to share the sidewalk with pedestrians they will hit them. So, instead we make them share the road with a bunch of 2 ton death machines..
Within the next 5 seconds, almost every human heart on the planet will beat.
The moment someone asks for the board game instructions, you know it’s getting serious.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
Computers can freeze from overheating.
Nothing is better than when someone brings up an obscure topic that you happen to know a lot about.
Superman’s real superpower is finding white button-up shirts thick enough to hide a bright blue, red and yellow Superman logo underneath without showing through.
Water is a crazy motherf*r. It can burn you to death, freeze you to death, drown your ass, but you need it to live.
If we didn’t already have dogs, trying to start a “Domesticate the Wolf” project now would make you look like a crazy person.
Zombies that rise from the grave would actually be dressed fairly well..
Shows like America’s got talent become more disturbing when you realize it’s just rich people dangling money in front of poor people and telling them to dance.
Rent is a really expensive monthly subscription to not being homeless.
Taking off your working clothes after a long day probably doesn’t even come close to the feeling of knights that got out of their plate armor.
Australia is just Alcatraz that worked out better.
Emo dissapeared because now everyone wants to die and it isn’t special anymore.
A face tattoo is actually the ultimate display of wealth, as it represents never having to work another real job for the rest of your life.
Those bitches on the magic school bus never signed a single permission slip
Poor 13. It just missed the clock, times tables, the dozen, the apostles, the calendar (months) and is considered the unluckiest number. It can’t get a break.

Quotes June 26, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The earth was originally a dinosaur planet and we are the post-apocalyptic creatures.

There’s probably someone over the age 100 playing with legos illegally.

You know every single digit of pi, just not the order.

Somewhere there is a grandmother, whose grandson really is the most handsome boy in the world.

Most people put over 40 years of their life in the success of someone else’s company only to finally be ‘free’ for the last and weakest years of their life.

Translators in the UN could actually start a war whenever they feel like it.

Your skull doesn’t have a facial expression. Your flesh just moves around it.

The most beautiful people in existence still get explosive diarrhea sometimes.

Horses would be way more scary if they ate meat.

Students who try hard in high school grow up wishing they had fun, but students who only had fun in high school grow up wishing they tried.

People who are sick are literally NSFW.

If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bi-polar bears.

Whoever coined the term “money can’t buy happiness” has probably never been poor and/or broke.

Mummies are just upper-class zombies.

Bread, cheddar, and bacon all refer to money. You could make an income sandwich.

Maybe astronauts end their relationships by saying they just need space.

Quotes January 03, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

More time is spent checking your speedometer while going through School Zones than actually watching for wandering schoolchildren.
Disaster movies really over estimate the average news anchors commitment to their job.
Ironically, the Internet was actually created to save us time.
If you pay to see the results of an online IQ test, then you failed the test.

Quotes December 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
In a way, your body is just advertisement for your sperm/egg.
There are a lot of lonely old people out there who wish they had company and a lot of young people who wish they still had a grandma or grandpa to visit with.
If you have a child who is too young to use a computer, then as far as your child is concerned, you’re Google.
Our pets probably believe housecleaning is some kind of ritual we use to summon our parents.
If you wore a VR headset linked to a camera drone that was set to follow you from a few feet behind, you could live in third person.
Gravity is creepy when you realize you’re not walking around on a surface, but getting pulled into a burning core of magma.
Bricks are just domesticated rocks.
A character in a video game talking about how beautiful the world appears is just the developers jerking themselves off.
The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.
We don’t realize how much noise we make until we do anything in a room with a person sleeping.
Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.
There was a first person to have ever uploaded porn to the internet, and a first person to have downloaded it, and we will never know who these pioneers were.
There are no real flat-earthers, just a bunch of trolls posing as flat-earthers who think they’re trolling other flat-earthers.
People who say “money can’t buy friendship” aren’t considering you can buy a dog.
We live in a world where people lick other people’s buttholes, but it is still considered nasty to double dip chips.
Imagine how terrified the first person who ever saw a whale was.

You might have a stressful job, but someone, somewhere, is Kim Jong Un’s hairdresser.

Why did the 80s and 90s seem like 2 separate decades when 2000-2018 seemed like just 1?

It’s a good thing men don’t have a limited amount of semen or else the rise of internet porn would have been catastrophic for the human race
Everyone knows about the secret service.
Someone will be that guy that dies an hour before we invent a form of immortality.
An anxiety attack is like when your video game freezes but you can still hear the boss music and your avatar getting slaughtered.
People suggest that sons seek women who resemble their mothers, but don’t consider that they may have the same taste in women as their fathers.
Sarcasm works great through text.
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.
Adults who spoil the end of a movie must be the same kids who circled the Waldo in the library copy of the Where’s Waldo books.
If we mounted video cameras on garbage trucks, Google street view could be updated weekly.
CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine until it works again.

Quotes November 05, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Every day that you’ve randomly seen an ambulance is a day that someone else will never forget.
Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80 years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have actually lived longer.
Someone with 6 fingers on one hand could rake in big bucks asking others to guess the amount of fingers extended behind their back.
There’s probably over billions of hours of concert footage on phones that no ones watched, nor would ever want to.
It is great that the first person they tested penicillin on was not allergic to penicillin.
Notice how the friends that never text you back are the ones always on their phones when you see them.
It’s interesting how the people who keep “getting hacked” on FB are the same people who keep trading all of their info to find out which brunch food they are.
It’s amusing that there’s an entire generation of people that associates bobsledding with a small tropical country in the Caribbean.
Bill Gates is like a video game character that has everything unlocked and all he can do now is personal challenges to pass the time.
Seeing a UPS truck as an adult is the childhood equivalent of seeing an ice cream truck.