Tag: thechive

Quotes November 05, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Every day that you’ve randomly seen an ambulance is a day that someone else will never forget.
Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80 years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have actually lived longer.
Someone with 6 fingers on one hand could rake in big bucks asking others to guess the amount of fingers extended behind their back.
There’s probably over billions of hours of concert footage on phones that no ones watched, nor would ever want to.
It is great that the first person they tested penicillin on was not allergic to penicillin.
Notice how the friends that never text you back are the ones always on their phones when you see them.
It’s interesting how the people who keep “getting hacked” on FB are the same people who keep trading all of their info to find out which brunch food they are.
It’s amusing that there’s an entire generation of people that associates bobsledding with a small tropical country in the Caribbean.
Bill Gates is like a video game character that has everything unlocked and all he can do now is personal challenges to pass the time.
Seeing a UPS truck as an adult is the childhood equivalent of seeing an ice cream truck.

Quotes October 01, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

In 2008, the 90’s felt like “the 90’s”. It’s 2018 and the 2000’s don’t feel like “the 2000’s”, they just make you go “Holy shit that was 10 years ago?”
If salt is supposed to repel ghosts and demons, then the ocean must be the least haunted place on Earth.
It’s ironic how bedhead can make you look homeless.
We’ve created a culture that pressures people so much that they feel the need to go into work with the flu…which is a contagious illness.
Jenga is kinda the opposite of Tetris
If salt is supposed to repel ghosts and demons, then the ocean must be the least haunted place on Earth.
Surgery is just basically stabbing someone to life.
Puberty is just forced updates.
Women must find Dad jokes attractive, or they’d be known as bachelor jokes.
It’s weird to think that night time is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame.
Whoever got the contract to supply Amazon with cardboard boxes is doing pretty well.
The difference between a scary movie and a scary book is that in a movie you see someone elses fears, while reading a book you imagine your own deepest fears.
A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up.
Going to bed without having to set an alarm is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.
Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.
Fishing is only relaxing because fish don’t scream like hell when pulled out of the water.
At some point in history, the idea of recording a sound must have seemed as intangible as recording a smell seems now.
Death would be infinitely scarier if it only happened to some people and not others.
A smart refrigerator isn’t one with screens, cameras, and wifi. It’s one that knows to dim the light when you open it at 3 a.m.

Quotes September 02, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Banks give you free lollipops they bought with your money.
Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.
Why is it a “wedding ring”? Shouldn’t it be a “marriage ring”?
Thanks to Elon Musk, there is now a non-zero chance of getting into a car accident in space.
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
Considering how prestigious it was, Hogwarts was pretty bad at background checks for teachers.
Imagine living with an alien species whose food is so amazing that you’d risk punishment just to eat the inedible plastic containers that the food came in. That’s a dog’s point of view.
Nudists must have a hard time cleaning their glasses.
In the future Elon Musk might be a DLC character in Civilization sequels.
One of these days, photo editing will have become so advanced, that a picture of you stabbing someone in the face won’t count as conclusive proof on its own.
You still have imaginary friends. They’re people that you think of as an actual friend – but really, you’re just imagining it.
What a second. H8 = hate But h+eight = height.
Naming a city Townsville is like naming it Citycity.
You know you’re Googling something bad when halfway through your query, Google stops making suggestions as if to say, “Okay you’re on your own with this one, buddy.”
Every line in Finland is a Finnish line.
No matter what business it is now you can always tell when it used to be a Pizza Hut.
You don’t realize how strong your legs are until you try to do a handstand.
When you think about it, Shakespeare WAS the result of billions of monkeys trying to write stuff randomly for millions of years.

Quotes August 11, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

If Dr. Seuss were reincarnated today, he would become a legend in the rap/hip hop world.
The “Spring Forward” thing would be a lot more popular if we moved the clocks ahead at 2PM on Monday.
Candles are just pet fires.
We dumb down our vocabulary to babies at a time when their minds are most capable of learning language.
There’s so many talented people we will never hear of because of their lack of confidence.
If you ever feel like nobody notices or cares about you, remember that there are 4 other members of Maroon 5.
If boys screamed at girl bands the way girls scream at boy bands it would be terrifying and hilarious.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
We live in a world where a can of nuts must say “Contains: Nuts”
College students don’t want to go to graduation ceremonies, but they go to please their relatives, while relatives don’t want to go but go to support the students; we should all just be honest and skip that ceremony and go out for pizza.
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
In school the lesson comes before the test but in life the test comes before the lesson.
Life is just a really complicated exam, in which most people fail by copying from others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper.
If people actually lived every day as if it were their last, basically nobody would ever go to work or school again.
The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that the they eventually use all the skills they learned in school.

Quotes August 06, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Maybe the ancient Greeks didn’t actually believe their mythology and it was just a really big franchise like Star Wars.
Soon there will be a generation that only knows Dwayne Johnson as an actor, and not a rock.
In a zombie apocalypse eventually there are gonna be houses filled with smoke alarms with low battery beeping that may distract the zombies.
Of course your mother tells you you are gorgeous, you are a mix between herself and the person she chose to have sex with.
What if oxygen makes our voices deep and helium brings it back to normal?
If dogs were able to drive then all they would do is go buy food and stalk their owners.
Caffeinated drinks should have to advertise “caffeine by volume” the same way alcoholic drinks report “alcohol by volume.”
The fact that today (2-2) is not considered ‘National Ballet day’ seems like a huge missed opportunity.
If there’s a heaven, it’d better involve stepping in and having all the pets you’ve ever owned already there waiting, losing their shit because they’re happy you’re home.
If someone else caused you as much trouble as you cause yourself by procrastinating, that person would be your sworn enemy.
People with bad handwriting are like Scottish people. You know they’re speaking English and you understand stuff here and there but overall it’s a disaster.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate that mother nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges.
Nap time would be more useful in high school rather than elementary school
Sleeping in until 11am sounds lazier than waking up at 9am and taking a two hour nap later on in the day.
Whoever spent a few million dollars on a Super Bowl ad that just shows us nothing but a black screen obviously was trying to mess with us.
The first person who will be killed by a sex robot is already walking among us, unaware of how unflattering their obituary is going to read.
Is Scooby Doo named after the brand of snacks he eats, or are we supposed to understand there’s a company that makes snacks just for him?
The person who creates a browser plug-in/extension which totally blocks all references to the Kardashians will be a hero revered by millions.
It takes a genius to design something an idiot can understand.
You always hear people brag about how they learned to swim when their parents just threw them in the deep end, but you never hear from the ones that were thrown in and didn’t learn.

Quotes July 02, 2018

All quotes courtesy of theCHIVE

Monday the 13th sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.
We’ve stepped on the moon. But we still haven’t mastered that awkward delay between studio anchor and field reporter.
Any sleep you get after 8 hours, should roll over to the next night.
It’s weird that horrible and terrible are synonyms, but horrific and terrific are antonyms.
If a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie turn into a vampire, or does the vampire turn into a zombie?
Batman has been ‘ridding Gotham of crime for decades now and it’s still full of criminals. He’s doing a really bad job.
The idea that you shouldn’t shop for groceries while hungry also applies to dating. Never browse through online dating sites while “lonely”.
A bank teller is also a fortune teller.
Chess was one of the first games to feature a strong female lead.
Military surplus stores make you buy equipment that you already paid for.
It’s 2018. A waffle iron should come packaged with the correct size cup for scooping batter into the iron so you do not need to guess how much is too much.
Bill Gates’ kids have never had the experience of trying to walk your parents through something simple on a computer.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there’s something cool to see.
It’s so easy to fall asleep on a couch, until you actually need to fall asleep on a couch.
There should be a noodle brand named “Karma” so people can make themselves a cup of “Instant Karma.”
If someone sued over luggage, it could be a suit suit or a case case.
Pinterest is like a virus that infected the google image search.
If people grew vegetables like they do marijuana we would have the healthiest, tastiest vegetables ever.
If you walk into somebody’s bathroom, and see anti-dandruff shampoo, you could assume that they have dandruff, but you could also assume they don’t have dandruff.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
We all just walk around pretending it’s not weird that one of our hands is better at stuff than the other.
Websites should tell you what their password requirements are on the login screen so you can remember which version of your password you used.
MTV should do do a version of Catfish where they follow people looking for a job and reveal how often they are “Catfished” by lies and misrepresentations in job descriptions.
Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman.
There should be a game where it starts with old school graphics and as you level up it gets better and better.
C-3PO is fluent in over 6 million languages, but due to the design of his arms he’ll never be able to do sign language.
It’s a missed opportunity that Bruno Mars fans aren’t referred to as Martians.

Life would be a lot easier if people’s physical appearances changed according to how good or bad they treated others.

Quotes June 04, 2018

All quotes courtesy of theCHIVE

You know you had a good break from work when you come back and can’t remember any passwords.
Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you aren’t alone is either the best or the worst feeling.
Smelling is just breathing normally and thinking about it more.
They should make a Florida Man video game. Think GTA but your tasks and weapons are based on real headlines.
January 1st 2000 is now the fake DOB used to get past age verification sites.
When people are annoyed that a business is closed on a holiday, they are basically annoyed that someone is treating their employees well.
“One of the servers just died.” In IT, that’s pretty bad. In a restaurant, that’s REALLY bad.
If someone guessed the year the world would end correctly they wouldn’t get the credit they deserved.
Goths must be so annoyed that it’s now mainstream to hate life and other people.
Buying an ipad to replace a laptop is trading port ability for portability.
We’ll really know inflation when we need to pay more than 99 cents for an Arizona Tea.
Why is “Sean” pronounced as “Shawn” instead of “Seen” but “Dean” is pronounced “Deen” instead of “Dawn”?
If you place a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room you can wirelessly transmit water.

Quotes May 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can’t find any enemies.
Do crabs think we’re walking sideways?
“What did we do to deserve dogs?” Well, we literally genetically engineered them to like us … that’s what we did.
A lot of people are going to be pissed when they find out their self-driving car wont go 60 in a 55.
The real life equivalent of a repost is when someone says a joke and no one hears it, then someone else says the exact same thing and everyone laughs.
As you get older, receiving new underwear and socks as gifts gets exponentially better.
We should all brag about how much tax we pay instead of how much money we make so rich people will want to actually pay them.
We want to make AI seem more human while actual people are forced to work like robots and show little emotion on the job.
Your computer saying it needs you to have Admin privileges is like it asking to see the manager.
Holding down the power button to turn something off is the equivalent of choking it until it’s unconscious.
Nobody gives grass the credit it deserves for making Earth not look like a big ball of wet dirt.
The headlines “Bitcoin hit’s new all time high of $10k” and “Bitcoin crashes to $10k” are less than two months apart from each other…
You should be able to yell “be right there!” to your cell phone if you’re running to get it. Then it could ring a few extra times in order to give you a chance to pick up.
Slang is just slang for “short language.”
Language is just agreed upon gibberish.
Google Translate is like a person who knows many languages but is not good at any of them.
You know you’ve listened to an album too much when your brain plays the intro to the next song before it actually starts playing.
Eating blueberries is like a Russian Roulette of sweet, sour, and terrible.
Nowadays it is almost rude to ask a question instead of Googling it first.
Introverts don’t make friends, they get adopted by an extrovert.
Uber should have a “Feeling talkative? Yes/No” button so passengers can enjoy some quiet without seeming rude.

Eating lunch alone as a kid is like torture, getting to eat lunch alone as an adult is a nice treat.

Quotes April 02, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate.
Stoners should adopt retired police dogs so they can always find their stash.
The phrase “well done” for steaks was probably invented by a guy who didn’t want to admit that he burned his steaks.
Every machine can be a smoke machine if it is used wrong enough.
If you wear a sock inside out, the entire universe is wearing your sock… except you
The continent with the most educated workforce is actually Antarctica.
People would buy anything for $0.99, as long as it’s not a mobile app. 
A strip club with no music would be really unsettling.
A staple of Burger King is the random onion ring in the order of fries. 
Viagra is basically caps lock your penis.
2 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 4 steps on a Fitbit.
One of the biggest scams in life was your mom saying she won’t get angry if you say the truth.
The food pyramid is a “pyramid” not “triangle,” so what’s on the other sides?
Ketchup makes bad food taste good and good food taste bad.
Phones used to ring to get your attention, now they always have our attention so they stay on silent.
Maybe people would be better at standing up and talking if we hadn’t been told to sit down and shut up for the first quarter of our lives.
The first sip of coffee from a tall insulated cup with a lid is terrifying.

Quotes March 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
The good thing about being ugly is that when girls laugh at your jokes you know they’re funny.
Barn owls must have been stoked when barns were invented.
Your alarm tone should be randomized every morning so you don’t get conditioned to hate the sound.
Statistically 100% of World Wars are caused by Austrians.
Fake phone numbers in movies should be voicemail lines that just advertise upcoming movies.
You can go the rest of your life without eating or drinking.
Someday archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Harry Potter was recently translated into its 80th language. What if it became a kind of “Rosetta Stone” in the future?
Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers people.
If the Earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?
What if the reason Kenny’s parents are so poor is because they have to keep paying for funerals?
We always say “stupid autocorrect” but never give it positive feedback for the 97% of the work it does.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Swiss Army knives are like 8% knife.
There are three types of people in the world: People who are happy they bought Bitcoin, people who wish they had bought Bitcoin and people who are waiting for the whole thing to blow up so they can laugh at the first two people.
If identical twin sisters become pregnant from the same guy then their kids will be full siblings genetically speaking.
When someone gets a nose bleed in a movie it’s ominous that they either have cancer or are telepathic. When someone gets a nose bleed IRL it’s because the air is dry or they pick their nose.
Snails and slugs would be the scariest things ever if they were very fast.
If bread goes bad we throw it away, If bananas go bad we make bread out of them.
Maybe North Korea has been trying to hit somebody this whole time, they just play off their misses as “tests”
Sanity is just the belief that the voice inside your head is your own.
The older you get, the happier you are when getting socks as gifts.
At this rate, the winner of “Best Picture” will just be whatever movie has the fewest sex criminals associated with it.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity to redefine “father figure.”
Peeing in public is only forbidden if you open your pants.
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
If Congress was paid the Federal minimum wage the minimum wage would be a lot higher.
So much great porn goes unwatched due to poor thumbnail choices.
Dogs are basically coasting through life on good looks and charm.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth.
Megan Trainor has lost a lot of weight since becoming rich and famous off a song about how men should be attracted to overweight women instead of skinny ones.
They say that great minds think alike, but so do small minds. Never underestimate the power of stupid in large amounts.
Too many birthdays will kill you.
The first lesson in sex ed class should be how much money it costs to care for a child.
It’s a good thing the first person they tested penicillin on wasn’t allergic to penicillin.
Raisins are just grapes who gave up their looks for immortality.
Michael Phelps was born because he was the fastest swimmer..
The fact that there’s a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic.
The best time to look for a new job is when you already have one. The worst time to look for a new girlfriend is when you already have one.
In 40 years, all of the different Spice Girls will just be Old Spice.
If you use a wind farm to power a fan, you’re just teleporting the breeze.
A guy with red haired parents is a Ginger-bred Man.
If ostriches could fly the sky would be a terrifying place.
Anybody that questions why you are shoveling six inches of snow in the *middle* of a snowstorm hasn’t shoveled twelve inches of snow at the end of a snowstorm.
The Olympics is the only time when you hear “Great execution by North Korea” and it seems okay.
The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver.
Imagine how more popular the Olympics would be if it were the leaders competing for their country instead of athletes.