Tag: thechive

Quotes October 09, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

People say not to eat a snack before a meal because “it will spoil your appetite,” but people pay for appetizers and suddenly it’s ok to eat a snack before a meal.
 
 
 
 
A person who is 80 years old has seen almost one third of US history
 
 
 
 
With the rise of sex robots and self-driving cars, there will soon be a country song where the singer’s girlfriend broke down and his truck left him.
 
 
 
 
8 hours of free time sounds a lot more than 8 hours of sleep
 
 
 
 
Once fully autonomous vehicles become standard, we will actually have to leave on time because they probably won’t speed for us.
 
 
 
 
Time doesn’t heal everything, but it sure does kill everything
 
 
 
 
Nothing is more discouraging than being excited to tell a friend or significant other something and them not giving a s@@@ about it.
 
 
 
 
Betty Marion White was born in 1922; the first BMW car made was in 1928. Betty White is the original BMW.
 
 
 
 
Night is the natural state of the universe. Day is only caused by a massive fiery ball that just so happens to be nearby.
 
 
 
 
“Nice sweater, did your mother make it for you?” Is a sarcastic insult in elementary school, and a genuine compliment in adulthood.
 
 
 
 
Somewhere out there is a pen that holds the world record for most times stolen.
 
 
 
 
Soda, juice, and even water have nutrition labels on them, but alcoholic beverages don’t.
 
 
 
 
The longer you lie in bed unable to fall asleep, the louder your thoughts get.
 
 
 
 
Typing on a real keyboard requires almost exclusively fingers that aren’t thumbs, while typing on a phone’s keyboard requires nothing but thumbs.
 
 
 
 
Nothing says “this is someone else’s problem” quite like a leaf blower.
 
 
 
 
Mondays are fine. You just hate your job.
 
 
 
 
You realize you’re getting older when the main characters aren’t your age anymore.
 
 
 
 
Your brain can analyse the layout of your whole room in near complete darkness, just by seeing the dimly lit side of an object.
 
 
 
 
The difference between a good guy and a bad guy in movies is that a good guy can always reach an object when they’re being pinned down.
 
 
 
 
Any fact about yourself that you’ve never told to anyone is technically one of the unknown secrets of the universe
 
 
 
 
It’s amazing that society thinks much more highly of you if your shirt has an extra flap of fabric folded off the neck.
 
 
 
 
Since your memory prioritizes remembering things that are out of the ordinary, cringing at your past self for screwing up just indicates that screwing up is not a regular thing you do.
 
 
 
 
People who can get their point across without cursing are a dying breed.
 
 
 
 
Knowing how fast your car can go from 60-0 is so much more important than know how fast it can go from 0-60.
 
 
 
 
As a kid, you hate naps but adults make you. As an adult, you’d love to take a nap but no one will let you.
 
 
 
 
Despite all the time spent on smartphones, people don’t seem to have them in their dreams.

Quotes August 11, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
 
 
 
 
Maybe the reason super villains always spill their evil plan is because the want someone to talk to.
 
 
 
 
A temporary tattoo on a child is basically just a “last washed” indicator.
 
 
 
 
If the Big Bad Wolf had hired the Kool Aid man, the 3 Little Pigs would have ended in a totally different way.
 
 
 
 
Marriage was more appealing when the average life expectancy was only 35.
 
 
 
 
Door-to-door salesmen are real life pop-up ads.
 
 
 
 
People think it’s beautiful that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But neither are potato chips.
 
 
 
 
If you dislike an actor because of a character they played that you hated, they’re a pretty damn good actor.
 
 
 
 
Getting sweaty palms while climbing tall things seems like something that our bodies shouldn’t do.
 
 
 
 
You know you’ve grown up when you start having nightmares about real life problems instead of things like dragons and quicksand.
 
 
 
 
If you tell someone they’re eating “fish,” they won’t question it. If you tell someone they’re eating “mammal” or “bird,” they’re probably going to have some serious follow up questions.
 
 
 
 
Cracking your knuckles is a real life ability that has a cooldown.
 
 
 
 
Your future self is talking sh*t about you.
 
 
 
 
Humans relax to the sounds of birds screaming for sex.
 
 
 
 
It’s so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone when you don’t find them attractive.
 
 
 
 
When King Midas touches a Rubiks cube, the cube is technically solved.
 
 
 
 
Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.
 
 
 
 
You have to admire the stability of the Mushroom Kingdom while their ruler is kidnapped.
 
 
 
 
Job hunting while unemployed feels like meticulously searching for new trash cans to put your resume in.
 
 
 
 
The more hugs you give the more hugs you get.
 
 
 
 
People who wear glasses or contacts have to pay to see. The rest do for free.
 
 
 
 
People in sitcoms never laugh at each other’s jokes.
 
 
 
 
There could have been a moment in history were every single human blinked at the same time, but no one noticed… because no one saw it.
 
 
 
 
The first guy to hit two birds with one stone must have told EVERYONE.
 
 
 
 
The fact that spiders don’t live in colonies like ants do is really under appreciated.
 
 
 
 
Throughout history there has to be at least one chef/cook that was executed because the royal food tester had a fatal allergic reaction to un-poisoned food.
 
 
 
 
If the saying that each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life is true, then it would take 75,000 cigarettes to take off 1 year of your life. If you smoked a pack a day, every single day, it would take 10 years of smoking to take off 1 year of your life.
 
 
 
 
Sneezing while driving is seriously underrated as far as frightening events go.
 
 
 
 
The people who say “life’s not fair, get over it” are usually the people who are directly making life unfair..
 
 
 
 
The number 0 is like a portal from the positive world to the negative world.
 
 
 
 
If we allowed people to adopt tigers as pets, we’d probably save the tiger population while getting our own population under control at the same time.
 
 
 
 
If it wasn’t for smokers, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.
 
 
 
 
Maybe we are in a simulation, and they make a few people actually experience a flat earth just to mess with us.
 
 
 
 
Owning a dragon doesn’t sound as cool anymore when you think of all the sh** you’d have to clean up.

Quotes July 20, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The biggest downside to cell phones is that instead of an argument being over when you leave for work, now – thanks to texting – the argument can continue All. F*cking. Day.
 
 
 
 
It is so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally.
 
 
 
 
The birth rate is going to drop like crazy when all the millennials who can’t afford a house won’t be able to afford a kid either.
 
 
 
 
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
 
 
 
 
A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.
 
 
 
 
We’re afraid if we allow cyclists to share the sidewalk with pedestrians they will hit them. So, instead we make them share the road with a bunch of 2 ton death machines..
 
 
 
 
Within the next 5 seconds, almost every human heart on the planet will beat.
 
 
 
 
The moment someone asks for the board game instructions, you know it’s getting serious.
 
 
 
 
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
 
 
 
 
Computers can freeze from overheating.
 
 
 
 
Nothing is better than when someone brings up an obscure topic that you happen to know a lot about.
 
 
 
 
Superman’s real superpower is finding white button-up shirts thick enough to hide a bright blue, red and yellow Superman logo underneath without showing through.
 
 
 
 
Water is a crazy motherf*r. It can burn you to death, freeze you to death, drown your ass, but you need it to live.
 
 
 
 
If we didn’t already have dogs, trying to start a “Domesticate the Wolf” project now would make you look like a crazy person.
 
 
 
 
Zombies that rise from the grave would actually be dressed fairly well..
 
 
 
 
Shows like America’s got talent become more disturbing when you realize it’s just rich people dangling money in front of poor people and telling them to dance.
 
 
 
 
Rent is a really expensive monthly subscription to not being homeless.
 
 
 
 
Taking off your working clothes after a long day probably doesn’t even come close to the feeling of knights that got out of their plate armor.
 
 
 
 
Australia is just Alcatraz that worked out better.
 
 
 
 
Emo dissapeared because now everyone wants to die and it isn’t special anymore.
 
 
 
 
A face tattoo is actually the ultimate display of wealth, as it represents never having to work another real job for the rest of your life.
 
 
 
 
Those bitches on the magic school bus never signed a single permission slip
 
 
 
 
Poor 13. It just missed the clock, times tables, the dozen, the apostles, the calendar (months) and is considered the unluckiest number. It can’t get a break.

Quotes June 26, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The earth was originally a dinosaur planet and we are the post-apocalyptic creatures.

There’s probably someone over the age 100 playing with legos illegally.

You know every single digit of pi, just not the order.

Somewhere there is a grandmother, whose grandson really is the most handsome boy in the world.

Most people put over 40 years of their life in the success of someone else’s company only to finally be ‘free’ for the last and weakest years of their life.

Translators in the UN could actually start a war whenever they feel like it.

Your skull doesn’t have a facial expression. Your flesh just moves around it.

The most beautiful people in existence still get explosive diarrhea sometimes.

Horses would be way more scary if they ate meat.

Students who try hard in high school grow up wishing they had fun, but students who only had fun in high school grow up wishing they tried.

People who are sick are literally NSFW.

If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bi-polar bears.

Whoever coined the term “money can’t buy happiness” has probably never been poor and/or broke.

Mummies are just upper-class zombies.

Bread, cheddar, and bacon all refer to money. You could make an income sandwich.

Maybe astronauts end their relationships by saying they just need space.

Quotes January 03, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

 
 
 
 
More time is spent checking your speedometer while going through School Zones than actually watching for wandering schoolchildren.
 
 
 
 
Disaster movies really over estimate the average news anchors commitment to their job.
 
 
 
 
Ironically, the Internet was actually created to save us time.
 
 
 
 
If you pay to see the results of an online IQ test, then you failed the test.
 
 
 
 

Quotes December 03, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE
 
 
 
 
In a way, your body is just advertisement for your sperm/egg.
 
 
 
 
There are a lot of lonely old people out there who wish they had company and a lot of young people who wish they still had a grandma or grandpa to visit with.
 
 
 
 
If you have a child who is too young to use a computer, then as far as your child is concerned, you’re Google.
 
 
 
 
Our pets probably believe housecleaning is some kind of ritual we use to summon our parents.
 
 
 
 
If you wore a VR headset linked to a camera drone that was set to follow you from a few feet behind, you could live in third person.
 
 
 
 
Gravity is creepy when you realize you’re not walking around on a surface, but getting pulled into a burning core of magma.
 
 
 
 
Bricks are just domesticated rocks.
 
 
 
 
A character in a video game talking about how beautiful the world appears is just the developers jerking themselves off.
 
 
 
 
The world is not getting worse, the data is getting better.
 
 
 
 
We don’t realize how much noise we make until we do anything in a room with a person sleeping.
 
 
 
 
Saying that you speak without an accent is like saying your research paper was not typed in a font.
 
 
 
 
There was a first person to have ever uploaded porn to the internet, and a first person to have downloaded it, and we will never know who these pioneers were.
 
 
 
 
There are no real flat-earthers, just a bunch of trolls posing as flat-earthers who think they’re trolling other flat-earthers.
 
 
 
 
People who say “money can’t buy friendship” aren’t considering you can buy a dog.
 
 
 
 
We live in a world where people lick other people’s buttholes, but it is still considered nasty to double dip chips.
 
 
 
 
Imagine how terrified the first person who ever saw a whale was.

 
 
 
 
You might have a stressful job, but someone, somewhere, is Kim Jong Un’s hairdresser.
 
 
 
 

Why did the 80s and 90s seem like 2 separate decades when 2000-2018 seemed like just 1?
 
 
 
 

It’s a good thing men don’t have a limited amount of semen or else the rise of internet porn would have been catastrophic for the human race
 
 
 
 
Everyone knows about the secret service.
 
 
 
 
Someone will be that guy that dies an hour before we invent a form of immortality.
 
 
 
 
An anxiety attack is like when your video game freezes but you can still hear the boss music and your avatar getting slaughtered.
 
 
 
 
People suggest that sons seek women who resemble their mothers, but don’t consider that they may have the same taste in women as their fathers.
 
 
 
 
Sarcasm works great through text.
 
 
 
 
You never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.
 
 
 
 
Adults who spoil the end of a movie must be the same kids who circled the Waldo in the library copy of the Where’s Waldo books.
 
 
 
 
If we mounted video cameras on garbage trucks, Google street view could be updated weekly.
 
 
 
 
CPR is the human equivalent of hitting a machine until it works again.

Quotes November 05, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Every day that you’ve randomly seen an ambulance is a day that someone else will never forget.
 
 
 
 
Voldemort was 71 when he died and the average life span in the the UK is 80 years, so had Voldemort not searched for eternal life he probably would have actually lived longer.
 
 
 
 
Someone with 6 fingers on one hand could rake in big bucks asking others to guess the amount of fingers extended behind their back.
 
 
 
 
There’s probably over billions of hours of concert footage on phones that no ones watched, nor would ever want to.
 
 
 
 
It is great that the first person they tested penicillin on was not allergic to penicillin.
 
 
 
 
Notice how the friends that never text you back are the ones always on their phones when you see them.
 
 
 
 
It’s interesting how the people who keep “getting hacked” on FB are the same people who keep trading all of their info to find out which brunch food they are.
 
 
 
 
It’s amusing that there’s an entire generation of people that associates bobsledding with a small tropical country in the Caribbean.
 
 
 
 
Bill Gates is like a video game character that has everything unlocked and all he can do now is personal challenges to pass the time.
 
 
 
 
Seeing a UPS truck as an adult is the childhood equivalent of seeing an ice cream truck.

Quotes October 01, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

In 2008, the 90’s felt like “the 90’s”. It’s 2018 and the 2000’s don’t feel like “the 2000’s”, they just make you go “Holy shit that was 10 years ago?”
 
 
 
 
If salt is supposed to repel ghosts and demons, then the ocean must be the least haunted place on Earth.
 
 
 
 
It’s ironic how bedhead can make you look homeless.
 
 
 
 
We’ve created a culture that pressures people so much that they feel the need to go into work with the flu…which is a contagious illness.
 
 
 
 
Jenga is kinda the opposite of Tetris
 
 
 
 
If salt is supposed to repel ghosts and demons, then the ocean must be the least haunted place on Earth.
 
 
 
 
Surgery is just basically stabbing someone to life.
 
 
 
 
Puberty is just forced updates.
 
 
 
 
Women must find Dad jokes attractive, or they’d be known as bachelor jokes.
 
 
 
 
It’s weird to think that night time is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame.
 
 
 
 
Whoever got the contract to supply Amazon with cardboard boxes is doing pretty well.
 
 
 
 
The difference between a scary movie and a scary book is that in a movie you see someone elses fears, while reading a book you imagine your own deepest fears.
 
 
 
 
A chicken burrito is just a breakfast burrito that was allowed to grow up.
 
 
 
 
Going to bed without having to set an alarm is one of the most satisfying feelings ever.
 
 
 
 
Pirates have always seemed good about employing people with physical disabilities.
 
 
 
 
Fishing is only relaxing because fish don’t scream like hell when pulled out of the water.
 
 
 
 
At some point in history, the idea of recording a sound must have seemed as intangible as recording a smell seems now.
 
 
 
 
Death would be infinitely scarier if it only happened to some people and not others.
 
 
 
 
A smart refrigerator isn’t one with screens, cameras, and wifi. It’s one that knows to dim the light when you open it at 3 a.m.

Quotes September 02, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Banks give you free lollipops they bought with your money.
 
 
 
 
Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a squirrel.
 
 
 
 
Why is it a “wedding ring”? Shouldn’t it be a “marriage ring”?
 
 
 
 
Thanks to Elon Musk, there is now a non-zero chance of getting into a car accident in space.
 
 
 
 
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
 
 
 
 
Fleeing from police is like choosing the double or nothing option.
 
 
 
 
Considering how prestigious it was, Hogwarts was pretty bad at background checks for teachers.
 
 
 
 
Imagine living with an alien species whose food is so amazing that you’d risk punishment just to eat the inedible plastic containers that the food came in. That’s a dog’s point of view.
 
 
 
 
Nudists must have a hard time cleaning their glasses.
 
 
 
 
In the future Elon Musk might be a DLC character in Civilization sequels.
 
 
 
 
One of these days, photo editing will have become so advanced, that a picture of you stabbing someone in the face won’t count as conclusive proof on its own.
 
 
 
 
You still have imaginary friends. They’re people that you think of as an actual friend – but really, you’re just imagining it.
 
 
 
 
What a second. H8 = hate But h+eight = height.
 
 
 
 
Naming a city Townsville is like naming it Citycity.
 
 
 
 
You know you’re Googling something bad when halfway through your query, Google stops making suggestions as if to say, “Okay you’re on your own with this one, buddy.”
 
 
 
 
Every line in Finland is a Finnish line.
 
 
 
 
No matter what business it is now you can always tell when it used to be a Pizza Hut.
 
 
 
 
You don’t realize how strong your legs are until you try to do a handstand.
 
 
 
 
When you think about it, Shakespeare WAS the result of billions of monkeys trying to write stuff randomly for millions of years.

Quotes August 11, 2018

Courtesy of theCHIVE

 
 
 
 
If Dr. Seuss were reincarnated today, he would become a legend in the rap/hip hop world.
 
 
 
 
The “Spring Forward” thing would be a lot more popular if we moved the clocks ahead at 2PM on Monday.
 
 
 
 
Candles are just pet fires.
 
 
 
 
We dumb down our vocabulary to babies at a time when their minds are most capable of learning language.
 
 
 
 
There’s so many talented people we will never hear of because of their lack of confidence.
 
 
 
 
If you ever feel like nobody notices or cares about you, remember that there are 4 other members of Maroon 5.
 
 
 
 
If boys screamed at girl bands the way girls scream at boy bands it would be terrifying and hilarious.
 
 
 
 
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
 
 
 
 
We live in a world where a can of nuts must say “Contains: Nuts”
 
 
 
 
College students don’t want to go to graduation ceremonies, but they go to please their relatives, while relatives don’t want to go but go to support the students; we should all just be honest and skip that ceremony and go out for pizza.
 
 
 
 
Teachers should be asking students to write short 1-page essays and dock them points for not being concise instead of requiring long 4-page essays. In everyday life, no one likes to read a wall of text.
 
 
 
 
In school the lesson comes before the test but in life the test comes before the lesson.
 
 
 
 
Life is just a really complicated exam, in which most people fail by copying from others, not realizing that everyone has a different question paper.
 
 
 
 
If people actually lived every day as if it were their last, basically nobody would ever go to work or school again.
 
 
 
 
The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that the they eventually use all the skills they learned in school.