Tag: thechive

Quotes May 06, 2020

Courtesy of theCHIVE

If a vacuum is not being used, it’s collecting dust. If it is being used it’s also collecting dust.
 
 
 
 
The only exhausting thing about online shopping is to find a payment method that doesn’t require you to get up.
 
 
 
 
One of the scariest experiences you can have playing sports is losing a ball in the sunlight and knowing it’s coming down somewhere in the vicinity of your face.
 
 
 
 
You’ve been shouted and sworn at hundreds of times while driving, and you don’t know when.
 
 
 
 
If you’re the least attractive person in an orgy, you’re at the right orgy.
 
 
 
 
People would be a lot more willing to rate apps if they didn’t have to switch apps to do so.
 
 
 
 
If you’re watching Jeopardy! and you’re the only one in the room, not saying a correct answer out loud still feels like you got it wrong.
 
 
 
 
There’s a sense of relief when you find out that someone is an asshole in general and not just towards you.
 
 
 
 
As humans were evolving, the first one to develop a sense of humor must have faced a REALLY tough crowd.
 
 
 
 
All meat is just highly processed vegetables.
 
 
 
 
80s and 90s kids got sick of their moms telling them to pause the game, so they grew up, became developers, and invented games that can’t be paused.
 
 
 
 
Your dog probably has a favorite outfit that you wear.
 
 
 
 
Your phone doesn’t autocorrect when you type in caps because it thinks you are angry and doesn’t want to get involved.
 
 
 
 
Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses.
 
 
 
 
Sex is just your DNA trying to make a new body so it can live on without you.
 
 
 
 
The strictest parents raise the best liars.
 
 
 
 
There’s a sense of relief when you find out that someone is an asshole in general and not just towards you.
 
 
 
 
People say that if you practice an activity for 21 days streak it becomes a habit. However, being woken up 7665 times in the morning, 21 YO still struggle with that.
 
 
 
 
Going to sleep when you’re not feeling well is like turning your body off and back on again to see if it fixes the problem.
 
 
 
 
George Washington died in 1799. The first dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never knew dinosaurs existed.
 
 
 
 
The phrase “drugs and alcohol” is kind of like saying “fruit and watermelon.
 
 
 
 
We get angry when our pets get in our way/step on the laptop/make noise at night, but frequently pick them up when they are resting, carry them around, startle them with various noises and talk loudly in childish voices around them.
 
 
 
 
Solar energy is just Nuclear Energy from a safe distance.
 
 
 
 
It’s gonna be a pain for future generations to catch up on Marvel and Star Wars movies.
 
 
 
 
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick…two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
 
 
 
 
The age that you can afford nice things is about the time you have children to destroy them.
 
 
 
 
Since haste makes waste and good things come to those who wait, procrastination deserves a lot more respect.
 
 
 
 
Spiderman’s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
 
 
 
 
A cactus is nothing but a heavily armed cucumber.
 
 
 
 
The adult equivalent of “the floor is hot lava” is trying to get all the clothes from the washer to the dryer in one armful without dropping any.
 
 
 
 
Half of Blink 182 is Wink 91.
 
 
 
 
There’s nothing more mildly offensive than when someone else approaches the crosswalk and doesn’t trust that you’ve already pushed the button.
 
 
 
 
When we discover that adults are not perfect, that’s the end of our childhood. When we forgive them for it, that’s the end of our adolescence.
 
 
 
 
Today’s youth will never know the joy of catching 3 hours of your favorite show in a row on TV.
 
 
 
 
Weird there are women named Summer, Autumn, and even Winter, but you never see someone named Spring. You do, however, see people named April, May, and June.
 
 
 
 
Eating corn is the easiest way to see how fast your digestive system works.
 
 
 
 
The opposite of “Tinder” would be an app named “Tender” which connects people for long-lasting, romantic relationships .
 
 
 
 
Being unable to smell if you have bad breath when it’s literally right under your nose seems like a cruel joke your body is playing.
 
 
 
 
10 years ago a Black Mirror episode of today’s world would have been mind blowing.
 
 
 
 
It’s weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which we decide whether or not to lick the area a person pees from.
 
 
 
 
If you clean up a mess after an ant has already left to report back to his colony you’re essentially making him look like a liar.
 
 
 
 
Drawing trees on paper with a pencil is slightly morbid.
 
 
 
 
Boxing is a competition to see who can jiggle their opponent’s soft brain tissue hard enough to make them forget how to stand up.
 
 
 
 
People that wait until they’re married to have sex technically only have sex with people in their family.
 
 
 
 
If the apocalypse ever happens it’s going to ruin someone’s birthday..
 
 
 
 
It’s 20x easier to tell if someone likes you when you don’t like them back.
 
 
 
 
You never really understand how loud everyday activities are until you do them when everyone is asleep.
 
 
 
 
Fathers only get a day, but sharks get a whole week.
 
 
 
 
We’re living in the golden age of laughing at AI doing stupid things like writing nonsense dialog and failing at video games. It never existed before us and won’t exist once AI gets good enough to not make mistakes. Our children will never know the joy of laughing at computers being dumb.
 
 
 
 
There’s no other gamble quite like peeing in a dream.
 
 
 
 
A murderer may have crossed your path, thought about killing you and thought “nah.”
 
 
 
 
If “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” came out today the students in it would have #SaveFerris trending on social media.
 
 
 
 
Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
 
 
 
 
Maybe the reason super villains always spill their evil plan is because the want someone to talk to.
 
 
 
 
A temporary tattoo on a child is basically just a “last washed” indicator.
 
 
 
 
If the Big Bad Wolf had hired the Kool Aid man, the 3 Little Pigs would have ended in a totally different way.
 
 
 
 
Marriage was more appealing when the average life expectancy was only 35.
 
 
 
 
Door-to-door salesmen are real life pop-up ads.
 
 
 
 
People think it’s beautiful that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But neither are potato chips.
 
 
 
 
Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
 
 
 
 
If you dislike an actor because of a character they played that you hated, they’re a pretty damn good actor.
 
 
 
 
Getting sweaty palms while climbing tall things seems like something that our bodies shouldn’t do.
 
 
 
 
You know you’ve grown up when you start having nightmares about real life problems instead of things like dragons and quicksand.
 
 
 
 
If you tell someone they’re eating “fish,” they won’t question it. If you tell someone they’re eating “mammal” or “bird,” they’re probably going to have some serious follow up questions.
 
 
 
 
Cracking your knuckles is a real life ability that has a cooldown.
 
 
 
 
Your future self is talking sh*t about you.
 
 
 
 
Humans relax to the sounds of birds screaming for sex.
 
 
 
 
It’s so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone when you don’t find them attractive.
 
 
 
 
When King Midas touches a Rubiks cube, the cube is technically solved.
 
 
 
 
Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.
 
 
 
 
It was pretty ballsy of the guy that asked for humanity’s first blow job.
 
 
 
 
You have to admire the stability of the Mushroom Kingdom while their ruler is kidnapped.
 
 
 
 
Job hunting while unemployed feels like meticulously searching for new trash cans to put your resume in.
 
 
 
 
The more hugs you give the more hugs you get.
 
 
 
 
People who wear glasses or contacts have to pay to see. The rest do for free.
 
 
 
 
People in sitcoms never laugh at each other’s jokes.
 
 
 
 
There could have been a moment in history were every single human blinked at the same time, but no one noticed… because no one saw it.
 
 
 
 
The first guy to hit two birds with one stone must have told EVERYONE.
 
 
 
 
The fact that spiders don’t live in colonies like ants do is really under appreciated.
 
 
 
 
Throughout history there has to be at least one chef/cook that was executed because the royal food tester had a fatal allergic reaction to un-poisoned food.
 
 
 
 
If the saying that each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life is true, then it would take 75,000 cigarettes to take off 1 year of your life. If you smoked a pack a day, every single day, it would take 10 years of smoking to take off 1 year of your life.
 
 
 
 
If we allowed people to adopt tigers as pets, we’d probably save the tiger population while getting our own population under control at the same time.
 
 
 
 
There is nothing more disappointing than being a teenager seeing a movie because it says “partial nudity” and seeing a man’s ass
 
 
 
 
Elevators are the loading screens of life.
 
 
 
 
The more you grow old, the more you fall in love with the fact that no one gives a f*ck about you.
 
 
 
 
Maybe we are in a simulation, and they make a few people actually experience a flat earth just to mess with us.
 
 
 
 
Owning a dragon doesn’t sound as cool anymore when you think of all the shit you’d have to clean up.
 
 
 
 
If it wasn’t for smokers, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.
 
 
 
 
Sneezing while driving is seriously underrated as far as frightening events go.
 
 
 
 
The people who say “life’s not fair, get over it” are usually the people who are directly making life unfair..
 
 
 
 
The number 0 is like a portal from the positive world to the negative world.
 
 
 
 
With all the scientists in Hell, there’s probably air conditioning there now.
 
 
 
 
Everyone is an IT guy in their grandma’s eyes.
 
 
 
 
The thought of owning a bunch of dogs sounds amazing until you walk into the home of a person that owns a bunch of dogs.

Quotes April 16, 2020

Courtesy of theCHIVE

“A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he’ll never get into water until he’s really learned to swim.”
 
 
 
 
“An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man’s wife said that he had ‘departed,’ the intellectual replied: ‘When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?’”
 
 
 
 
“A miser writes his will and names himself as the heir.”
 
 
 
 
“A sharp wit observes a slow runner: ‘I know just what that gentleman needs.’ ‘What’s that?’ demands the sponsor of the race. ‘He needs a horse, otherwise, he can’t outrun the competition!’”
 
 
 
 
“Consulting a hotheaded doctor, a fellow says, ‘Professor, I’m unable to lie down or stand up; I can’t even sit down.’ The doctor responds: ‘I guess the only thing left is to hang yourself.’”
 
 
 
 
“A coward is asked which are safer, warships or merchant-ships. ‘Dry-docked ships,’ he answers.”
 
 
 
 
“An envious landlord sees how happy his tenants are. So he evicts them all.”
 
 
 
 
If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time.
 
 
 
 
We are more careful with money in video games than we are with money in real life.
 
 
 
 
Checking your phone when someone pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation.
 
 
 
 
If toilet seats in men’s public restrooms automatically went up unless you held them down to sit, people couldn’t pee on the seats
 
 
 
 
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
 
 
 
 
Everybody’d think bees are exceptionally cute if they didn’t have stingers.
 
 
 
 
Betty White outlived jokes about how Betty White is still alive
 
 
 
 
Anti-vaxxers who vaccinate their pets but not their kids exist.
 
 
 
 
People say “Break a Leg” so you can get in the cast.
 
 
 
 
80s and 90s kids got sick of their moms telling them to pause the game, so they grew up, became developers, and invented games that can’t be paused.
 
 
 
 
The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins.
 
 
 
 
Comic Con is the best way to see what your favorite characters would look like if they let themselves get out of shape.
 
 
 
 
Instagram sounds more like a Drug Dealer’s app.
 
 
 
 
The Lion King is a magical story about a Dictator who assassinated another Dictator and then got usurped by the Dictator’s son in a coup.
 
 
 
 
Girl Scouts is just a clever way to avoid child labor laws in order to sell cookies door to door.
 
 
 
 
When you’re a kid, one teacher walking into another teacher’s classroom is the biggest crossover event reality has to offer.
 
 
 
 
In 50 years, retirement homes will be giant LAN parties.
 
 
 
 
The only “hangover cure” that actually works is being under 30.
 
 
 
 
Having your favorite band come visit you in the hospital is a good sign that you’re f*cked.
 
 
 
 
You know you’re getting old when people stop laughing when you fall down and are instead worried.
 
 
 
 
Every time someone sets a World Record, the world sets a World Record for number of World Records recorded.
 
 
 
 
Mumble rappers these days are the same people that struggled to read a paragraph out loud in 10th grade.
 
 
 
 
Intentionally trying to lose a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
 
 
 
 
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 rather than at age 6.
 
 
 
 
Instead of always trying (failing?) to make chips taste like something in real life, why not just do “science flavor.” Just let the food scientists go nuts and make the thing that tastes the best, without worrying about what it tastes like In the real world.
 
 
 
 
Really simple paintings like plain white canvases that sell for millions of dollars could probably just be the mafia discretely transferring money.
 
 
 
 
It’s amazing how people will spend an extra five minutes circling or waiting for a parking space in order to avoid an extra 30 seconds of walking.
 
 
 
 
If you found the perfect hiding spot, you did not find the perfect hiding spot.
 
 
 
 
If you think you ever f*cked up bad, just remember somewhere an ant brought borax laced food to the colony killing the queen and the colony
 
 
 
 
When you live in an apartment building you are relying on dozens of other people to not burn down your house.
 
 
 
 
As self-driving cars become more the norm, the idea that a friend or family member may arrive dead at your house will be a reality.
 
 
 
 
Once you become the oldest living human, you are guaranteed to keep that title for the rest of your life.
 
 
 
 
A shark eating a human because it thought it was a seal is the equivalent of a human eating a raisin cookie thinking it was chocolate chip.
 
 
 
 
25 years ago seeing a toddler use technology was seen as a stroke of genius, today it is largely met with thoughts of a lack of parenting.
 
 
 
 
We have created virtual reality goggles, phone apps, TVs as thick as nickles and are planning to go to Mars before we’ve updated traffic lights to register there’s a driver there late at night.
 
 
 
 
Any stairway is a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough
 
 
 
 
You can use a finished game of Scrabble to make a crossword puzzle.
 
 
 
 
You’d think Satan would be considered a good guy after taking the worst people the world has to offer and torturing them for the rest of eternity.
 
 
 
 
Maybe the grass seems greener on the other side because you’re not over there f*cking it up.
 
 
 
 
We think of old music as being better than music from the present because we only remember the songs that were good enough to be remembered, but in the present we see an unfiltered stream of everything being made regardless of if it will be remembered for generations or forgotten quickly.
 
 
 
 
As a kid you wish to be an adult so you can eat whatever you want. As an adult you wish to be a kid so you can eat whatever you want.
 
 
 
 
You’re only afraid of being alone in the dark because you’re afraid you are not alone.
 
 
 
 
Witches have black cats because if they had white cats they would have white cat hair all over their clothes.
 
 
 
 
If 99% people find you unattractive then 75,000,000 on Earth people still find you attractive.
 
 
 
 
A railroad is basically a roller coaster that gave up on his dreams and got a real job.
 
 
 
 
If you’re famous, you can’t be an extra in a movie. You can only have cameos.
 
 
 
 
If real animals were Pokémon, kangaroos would just be the evolved form of rabbits.
 
 
 
 
A theater could make money off the people who sneak snacks in by opening a store, that sells that stuff, near their theater.
 
 
 
 
Shows with laugh tracks would be actually funny if the laugh track were replaced with the sound of just one guy laughing hysterically.
 
 
 
 
The brain is the most important organ you have… according to the brain.

Quotes February 29, 2020

Courtesy of theCHIVE

If marriage licenses had to be renewed periodically like all other licenses, not only would divorcing be a lot cleaner, but spouses might be discouraged from taking each other for granted.
 
 
 
 
Millennials are known as the generation where everyone got a trophy for participating, but no one points out the parents that kicked and screamed when their kids didn’t get a trophy.
 
 
 
 
Hologram advertising is going to be really cool for about a week and then be really annoying for the rest of our lives.
 
 
 
 
Much of Amazon.com’s Prime Video collection feels as if it were assembled using only films they were able to pick up randomly at yard sales.
 
 
 
 
Somewhere, there’s a person who recalls something brave or wise that you said or did and thinks of you as someone who really has their shit together.
 
 
 
 
You’re doing pretty well in life if you have beach towels that aren’t also your bath towels
 
 
 
 
In Harry Potter, they can regrow Harry’s bones overnight in a school hospital, yet they can’t solve his eyesight issues, which can be done with science today.
 
 
 
 
Childish Gambino is doing what Kanye West thinks he’s doing.
 
 
 
 
Price and worth are very similar concepts, but priceless and worthless are opposite one another.
 
 
 
 
Someday the term “Artificial Intelligence” may be considered a racial slur.
 
 
 
 
It’s surprising that there are no conspiracy theories about the moon being flat, since we only see half of it.
 
 
 
 
Peanut butter is just the peanut version of mashed potatoes.
 
 
 
 
You haven’t been an adult for most of your life until you’re 36.
 
 
 
 
By law our cars have to be road-worthy, but the roads don’t have to be car-worthy.
 
 
 
 
There are books about deforestation.
 
 
 
 
Services are switching from calling them Private Messages to calling them Direct Messages because they’re not private anymore…
 
 
 
 
It would really suck getting kidnapped with a cold. If they taped your mouth shut, you really wouldn’t be able to breathe.
 
 
 
 
Lets just thank mother nature, for both pre slicing and pre wrapping oranges.
 
 
 
 
It would suck to be one of the people who turned 18 the day after the drinking age was raised to 21.
 
 
 
 
Anti-vaxxers who vaccinate their pets but not their kids exist.
 
 
 
 
People say “Break a Leg” so you can get in the cast.
 
 
 
 
80s and 90s kids got sick of their moms telling them to pause the game, so they grew up, became developers, and invented games that can’t be paused.
 
 
 
 
The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins.
 
 
 
 
A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…
 
 
 
 
It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.
 
 
 
 
At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.
 
 
 
 
Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.

Quotes November 14, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

 
 
With Jeff Bezos having $116.8 billion and the average person having 100 billion brain cells, Jeff Bezos literally has more money than sense.
 
 
 
 
One of the most satisfying feelings as a driver is witnessing an asshole driver getting pulled over by the cops for his stupidity.
 
 
 
 
Meal prepping is basically eating a week’s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
 
 
 
 
Maybe there is no placebo effect and sugar pills just cure everything.
 
 
 
 
Internet maturity is when you see someone else’s status of them having an awesome time and you say to yourself, “good for them.”
 
 
 
 
Egg salad is chicken salad that is really underdone.
 
 
 
 
If everyone paid for the porn they watched the “highest grossing films of all time” list would look remarkably different.
 
 
 
 
An inflatable guitar is like a carry case for an air guitar.
 
 
 
 
Your bed never feels more comfortable or a more perfect temperature than when your alarm is going off.
 
 
 
 
Famous movie quotes are credited to the actor that said them and not the actual writer.
 
 
 
 
Today’s adults without tattoos will be the cool people in the future when the next generation of kids rebels against tattoos because it’s something their parents have.
 
 
 
 
Since your internal voice doesn’t have to breath, you can scream internally forever.
 
 
 
 
Future kids will be flabbergasted that we used to let most humans control cars with only a painted line keeping us from slamming into each other.
 
 
 
 
We can never tell if cartoon characters watching TV are watching cartoons or live action.
 
 
 
 
Life would be much more interesting if farts were contagious instead of yawns..
 
 
 
 
A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…
 
 
 
 
It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.
 
 
 
 
At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.
 
 
 
 
Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.
 
 
 
 
The WiFi network on board the International Space Station shouldn’t require a password.
 
 
 
 
The definition of “getting stoned” has drastically changed over the past 2,000 years.
 
 
 
 
Gambling addiction hotlines would be a lot better if every 5th caller was a winner.
 
 
 
 
Buying paper plates is essentially just paying money to not do the dishes.
 
 
 
 
The Royal family is the longest unbroken chain of celebrities who are famous because their parents were famous.
 
 
 
 
The Viagra commercial always says “Make sure your heart is healthy enough for sex.” That’s a really deep question if you think about it in more of a metaphorical way.
 
 
 
 
Every relationship has a language, and when you break up, you cannot speak it with anyone anymore.
 
 
 
 
If you see someone wearing a $20,000 watch it’s hard to know if they’re really good with money or really bad with money.

Quotes October 28, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

In most groups of friends, one of them will eventually go to all the other friends’ funerals, and one of them won’t go to anyone’s funeral.
 
 
 
 
A sure sign that you’re getting old is when people start saying “you still got it” in regards to any skill you have.
 
 
 
 
Shaking hands, giving the peace sign, and bumping fists are all ways to say goodbye. It’s like rock paper scissors, except you want to tie.
 
 
 
 
It’s weird that there are no commercials for pregnancy tests that show the couple celebrating that they aren’t pregnant.
 
 
 
 
If you wore a slightly different colored shirt every day for a month, you could end up starting with red and ending with blue and people would think you wore the same color every day.
 
 
 
 
If your identical twin got plastic surgery, it would be hard not to feel a little insulted.
 
 
 
 
You can tell who in your family is walking down the stairs by their pace.
 
 
 
 
Movie theaters will be wasting a huge opportunity if they don’t offer a liter size cola as a drink option during screenings of Super Troopers 2.
 
 
 
 
If it was more socially acceptable to talk about your finances, more people might be better with their finances.
 
 
 
 
Anxiety is like worrying that you forgot your car keys even though you are driving your car.
 
 
 
 
Whoever created the stereotype that men were slobs never had to clean a woman’s bathroom.
 
 
 
 
If the only surviving relic from humanity is a Nintendo64 controller, they’re going to think we had 3 hands.
 
 
 
 
There’s only ever been one day. It just keeps moving from one side of the planet to the other.
 
 
 
 
Having kids is like having little best friends that are broke.
 
 
 
 
The Simpsons has the same art style as Itchy and Scratchy, so Itchy and Scratchy must be a tv show of real cat and mice.
 
 
 
 
If Sheldon Cooper was a real person and watched Big Bang Theory. He would most probably think it was awful.
 
 
 
 
Bob Ross was the original ASMR channel.
 
 
 
 
This year, Earth Day fell on a SUN Day.
 
 
 
 
Characters in first-person games never blink.
 
 
 
 
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory since they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
 
 
 
 
People who say “more money won’t make you happier” have probably never been poor.
 
 
 
 
For every girl who wonders if a guy is staring at her, there is a guy who accidentally makes eye contact and is now afraid that she thinks he was staring at her.
 
 
 
 
Sending your spouse a picture of a clean kitchen is the marriage equivalent of sending nudes.
 
 
 
 
The time interval between closing your eyes and falling asleep is the human equivalent of “waiting for programs to close” before shutting down a computer.
 
 
 
 
Out of 7 billion people alive, someone, somewhere in the world, qualifies as the worst human alive.
 
 
 
 
If the CEO of Apple bought an island, it would be an iLand.
 
 
 
 
Dogs would be the worst poker players because their tail would always give them away.

Quotes October 23, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

50% of marriage ending in divorce doesn’t sound that bad when you realize the other 50% end in death.
 
 
 
 

It’s easy to do permanent damage, when you’re temporarily upset.
 
 
 
 

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
 
 
 
 

A sheep’s super power? Turning grass into wool.
 
 
 
 

Having a pet is having a mutual understanding with another species that we will not eat each other unless absolutely necessary.
 
 
 
 

Sometimes being a known as a “good kid” growing up meant you weren’t very good at being a kid.
 
 
 
 

The Ninja Turtles probably smelled terrible.
 
 
 
 

Sex between a man and a woman usually involves the woman doing everything she can to orgasm while the man does everything he can to not orgasm.
 
 
 
 

There is no physical evidence to say that today is Wednesday, we all just have to trust that someone has kept count since the first one ever.
 
 
 
 

Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
 
 
 
 

Kids today will never know that unique smell of Blockbuster which was kinda like a mixture of candy and carpet.
 
 
 
 

If you sat on your own voodoo doll you wouldn’t be able to get up.
 
 
 
 

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
 
 
 
 

In 60 or so years, nursing homes are going to be filled with high end gaming PC’s.
 
 
 
 

If you live to be 70 years old you will spend 10 years of your life on Monday.
 
 
 
 

Whoever coined the phrase “Shit hitting the fan” must have had a terrible experience.
 
 
 
 

We weren’t given participation ribbons as kids because we couldn’t cope with our disappointment; we were given them because our parents couldn’t.
 
 
 
 

For the first 8 minutes of your life the sunlight around you is older than you are.
 
 
 
 

You have to pay additional rent for pets when toddlers are potentially just as if not even more destructive.
 
 
 
 

Surely by Jurassic Park 5 they have to know the park simply isn’t profitable.
 
 
 
 

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
 
 
 
 

When you’re in 1st Grade, 6th Graders looked like adults. Then when you’re in 7th Grade, seniors look like adults. Then you’re a senior and you realize you’re still a kid.
 
 
 
 

The worst moment ever is when you realize that you’re the one who was wrong in the middle of an argument.
 
 
 
 

We don’t know if Mrs. Incredible is naturally busty or if she just morphs her body to be that way.

 
 
 
 

Being a Millennial is like joining a game of Monopoly when every property already has a hotel on it.
 
 
 
 

If you can watch porn on your TV, in the living room, with the volume up, without worrying about getting seen or heard, your living situation is probably in the top percentile of the world.
 
 
 
 

Robots can do anything we set their mind to.
 
 
 
 

The first crime committed in year 2000 was very briefly The Crime of the Century.

 
 
 
 

When you’re high, you think everybody knows it although no one does, and when you’re drunk you think no one knows it although everybody does.
 
 
 
 

The most underappreciated part of being left handed is writing and using a computer mouse at the same time.
 
 
 
 

If we, as the Internet, collectively decided to replace every instance of “hacked” with “guessed their password”, maybe people would finally start taking their own security seriously.
 
 
 
 

Drinking from a straw is the opposite of snorkeling.

 
 
 
 

A couple of decades after we settle on another planet, there will be conspiracy theories of earth not existing…
 
 
 
 

It can take days, weeks, even years to decide you love someone but it takes two minutes to decide you love a dog.
 
 
 
 

At home it’s weird for two people to eat two different things for dinner but at a restaurant it’s weird to order the same thing.
 
 
 
 

Mushrooms have three settings: Poisonous, Tasty, and Magic.

 
 
 
 

Looking at the moon at night would feel completely different if the Apollo 11 crew couldn’t return home.
 
 
 
 

The history on your calculator is probably more embarrassing than your browser history.
 
 
 
 

The best types of people are the ones who tell you they’re listening, when the rest of the group seems to have stopped paying attention.
 
 
 
 

Car blinkers switching themselves off after you turn is a severely underrated quality of life feature.

Quotes October 09, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

People say not to eat a snack before a meal because “it will spoil your appetite,” but people pay for appetizers and suddenly it’s ok to eat a snack before a meal.
 
 
 
 
A person who is 80 years old has seen almost one third of US history
 
 
 
 
With the rise of sex robots and self-driving cars, there will soon be a country song where the singer’s girlfriend broke down and his truck left him.
 
 
 
 
8 hours of free time sounds a lot more than 8 hours of sleep
 
 
 
 
Once fully autonomous vehicles become standard, we will actually have to leave on time because they probably won’t speed for us.
 
 
 
 
Time doesn’t heal everything, but it sure does kill everything
 
 
 
 
Nothing is more discouraging than being excited to tell a friend or significant other something and them not giving a s@@@ about it.
 
 
 
 
Betty Marion White was born in 1922; the first BMW car made was in 1928. Betty White is the original BMW.
 
 
 
 
Night is the natural state of the universe. Day is only caused by a massive fiery ball that just so happens to be nearby.
 
 
 
 
“Nice sweater, did your mother make it for you?” Is a sarcastic insult in elementary school, and a genuine compliment in adulthood.
 
 
 
 
Somewhere out there is a pen that holds the world record for most times stolen.
 
 
 
 
Soda, juice, and even water have nutrition labels on them, but alcoholic beverages don’t.
 
 
 
 
The longer you lie in bed unable to fall asleep, the louder your thoughts get.
 
 
 
 
Typing on a real keyboard requires almost exclusively fingers that aren’t thumbs, while typing on a phone’s keyboard requires nothing but thumbs.
 
 
 
 
Nothing says “this is someone else’s problem” quite like a leaf blower.
 
 
 
 
Mondays are fine. You just hate your job.
 
 
 
 
You realize you’re getting older when the main characters aren’t your age anymore.
 
 
 
 
Your brain can analyse the layout of your whole room in near complete darkness, just by seeing the dimly lit side of an object.
 
 
 
 
The difference between a good guy and a bad guy in movies is that a good guy can always reach an object when they’re being pinned down.
 
 
 
 
Any fact about yourself that you’ve never told to anyone is technically one of the unknown secrets of the universe
 
 
 
 
It’s amazing that society thinks much more highly of you if your shirt has an extra flap of fabric folded off the neck.
 
 
 
 
Since your memory prioritizes remembering things that are out of the ordinary, cringing at your past self for screwing up just indicates that screwing up is not a regular thing you do.
 
 
 
 
People who can get their point across without cursing are a dying breed.
 
 
 
 
Knowing how fast your car can go from 60-0 is so much more important than know how fast it can go from 0-60.
 
 
 
 
As a kid, you hate naps but adults make you. As an adult, you’d love to take a nap but no one will let you.
 
 
 
 
Despite all the time spent on smartphones, people don’t seem to have them in their dreams.

Quotes August 11, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
 
 
 
 
Maybe the reason super villains always spill their evil plan is because the want someone to talk to.
 
 
 
 
A temporary tattoo on a child is basically just a “last washed” indicator.
 
 
 
 
If the Big Bad Wolf had hired the Kool Aid man, the 3 Little Pigs would have ended in a totally different way.
 
 
 
 
Marriage was more appealing when the average life expectancy was only 35.
 
 
 
 
Door-to-door salesmen are real life pop-up ads.
 
 
 
 
People think it’s beautiful that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But neither are potato chips.
 
 
 
 
If you dislike an actor because of a character they played that you hated, they’re a pretty damn good actor.
 
 
 
 
Getting sweaty palms while climbing tall things seems like something that our bodies shouldn’t do.
 
 
 
 
You know you’ve grown up when you start having nightmares about real life problems instead of things like dragons and quicksand.
 
 
 
 
If you tell someone they’re eating “fish,” they won’t question it. If you tell someone they’re eating “mammal” or “bird,” they’re probably going to have some serious follow up questions.
 
 
 
 
Cracking your knuckles is a real life ability that has a cooldown.
 
 
 
 
Your future self is talking sh*t about you.
 
 
 
 
Humans relax to the sounds of birds screaming for sex.
 
 
 
 
It’s so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone when you don’t find them attractive.
 
 
 
 
When King Midas touches a Rubiks cube, the cube is technically solved.
 
 
 
 
Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.
 
 
 
 
You have to admire the stability of the Mushroom Kingdom while their ruler is kidnapped.
 
 
 
 
Job hunting while unemployed feels like meticulously searching for new trash cans to put your resume in.
 
 
 
 
The more hugs you give the more hugs you get.
 
 
 
 
People who wear glasses or contacts have to pay to see. The rest do for free.
 
 
 
 
People in sitcoms never laugh at each other’s jokes.
 
 
 
 
There could have been a moment in history were every single human blinked at the same time, but no one noticed… because no one saw it.
 
 
 
 
The first guy to hit two birds with one stone must have told EVERYONE.
 
 
 
 
The fact that spiders don’t live in colonies like ants do is really under appreciated.
 
 
 
 
Throughout history there has to be at least one chef/cook that was executed because the royal food tester had a fatal allergic reaction to un-poisoned food.
 
 
 
 
If the saying that each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life is true, then it would take 75,000 cigarettes to take off 1 year of your life. If you smoked a pack a day, every single day, it would take 10 years of smoking to take off 1 year of your life.
 
 
 
 
Sneezing while driving is seriously underrated as far as frightening events go.
 
 
 
 
The people who say “life’s not fair, get over it” are usually the people who are directly making life unfair..
 
 
 
 
The number 0 is like a portal from the positive world to the negative world.
 
 
 
 
If we allowed people to adopt tigers as pets, we’d probably save the tiger population while getting our own population under control at the same time.
 
 
 
 
If it wasn’t for smokers, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.
 
 
 
 
Maybe we are in a simulation, and they make a few people actually experience a flat earth just to mess with us.
 
 
 
 
Owning a dragon doesn’t sound as cool anymore when you think of all the sh** you’d have to clean up.

Quotes July 20, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The biggest downside to cell phones is that instead of an argument being over when you leave for work, now – thanks to texting – the argument can continue All. F*cking. Day.
 
 
 
 
It is so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally than to fall asleep in bed intentionally.
 
 
 
 
The birth rate is going to drop like crazy when all the millennials who can’t afford a house won’t be able to afford a kid either.
 
 
 
 
“Send nudes, not nukes” is the “make love, not war” of this century.
 
 
 
 
A real Smart TV would increase the volume when you started eating chips.
 
 
 
 
We’re afraid if we allow cyclists to share the sidewalk with pedestrians they will hit them. So, instead we make them share the road with a bunch of 2 ton death machines..
 
 
 
 
Within the next 5 seconds, almost every human heart on the planet will beat.
 
 
 
 
The moment someone asks for the board game instructions, you know it’s getting serious.
 
 
 
 
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
 
 
 
 
Computers can freeze from overheating.
 
 
 
 
Nothing is better than when someone brings up an obscure topic that you happen to know a lot about.
 
 
 
 
Superman’s real superpower is finding white button-up shirts thick enough to hide a bright blue, red and yellow Superman logo underneath without showing through.
 
 
 
 
Water is a crazy motherf*r. It can burn you to death, freeze you to death, drown your ass, but you need it to live.
 
 
 
 
If we didn’t already have dogs, trying to start a “Domesticate the Wolf” project now would make you look like a crazy person.
 
 
 
 
Zombies that rise from the grave would actually be dressed fairly well..
 
 
 
 
Shows like America’s got talent become more disturbing when you realize it’s just rich people dangling money in front of poor people and telling them to dance.
 
 
 
 
Rent is a really expensive monthly subscription to not being homeless.
 
 
 
 
Taking off your working clothes after a long day probably doesn’t even come close to the feeling of knights that got out of their plate armor.
 
 
 
 
Australia is just Alcatraz that worked out better.
 
 
 
 
Emo dissapeared because now everyone wants to die and it isn’t special anymore.
 
 
 
 
A face tattoo is actually the ultimate display of wealth, as it represents never having to work another real job for the rest of your life.
 
 
 
 
Those bitches on the magic school bus never signed a single permission slip
 
 
 
 
Poor 13. It just missed the clock, times tables, the dozen, the apostles, the calendar (months) and is considered the unluckiest number. It can’t get a break.

Quotes June 26, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

The earth was originally a dinosaur planet and we are the post-apocalyptic creatures.

There’s probably someone over the age 100 playing with legos illegally.

You know every single digit of pi, just not the order.

Somewhere there is a grandmother, whose grandson really is the most handsome boy in the world.

Most people put over 40 years of their life in the success of someone else’s company only to finally be ‘free’ for the last and weakest years of their life.

Translators in the UN could actually start a war whenever they feel like it.

Your skull doesn’t have a facial expression. Your flesh just moves around it.

The most beautiful people in existence still get explosive diarrhea sometimes.

Horses would be way more scary if they ate meat.

Students who try hard in high school grow up wishing they had fun, but students who only had fun in high school grow up wishing they tried.

People who are sick are literally NSFW.

If polar bears were in Antarctica too, they’d be bi-polar bears.

Whoever coined the term “money can’t buy happiness” has probably never been poor and/or broke.

Mummies are just upper-class zombies.

Bread, cheddar, and bacon all refer to money. You could make an income sandwich.

Maybe astronauts end their relationships by saying they just need space.