I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”
The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”
“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: “Buy a television.”
Seeing his shares plummet on a black morning during the recession, the boss called to his secretary, “Get my broker, Miss Wilks!”
”Certainly, sir. Stock or pawn?”
Son to dad: “Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?”
Dad: “My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?”
Son: “One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator.”
What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge?
“Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German man are watching a street performer. While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?”
The four guys respond to him, “Yes…”
Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
A gorilla walks into a bar and, to the amazement of the bartender, orders a martini. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he is further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.
The bartender takes the $20 bill, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.
“We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.
The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”
Bartender replies, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”