Courtesy of theCHIVE
The best liar you know is not the best liar you know.
History classes are going to get longer and harder as time goes on.
Who’s responsible for telling the highways that they are adopted?
The highest honor a spy can receive is an award from the enemy.
All dogs can smell marijuana, but only a few of them are snitches.
Trick shot videos should always begin by the performer drinking an entire beer to prove it isn’t their 468th attempt and chancing a win.
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn’t need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don’t need to look at our mobile phones.
Most people dislike being thought of as “average” yet half of them are worse.
If a vampire put a mirror in one side of a pair of glasses, they could see 360 degrees at one time.
Talking about sex in normal conversation with family, coworkers etc is usually considered taboo, yet talking about ‘trying for kids’ is so normal, your grandma will likely bring it up first.
Life would be a lot more fun without fall damage.
The Simpson’s got so many events correct but none of us will be alive to see what Futurama will get right.
There should be a 3-5 second delay when turning off bedroom lights, so that you can see your way back to bed.
Deciding to have a kid is basically deciding to have a really expensive, exhausting, full-time hobby for 18 years.
“There is no bad publicity” seems to have been proven very false in 2017.
If aliens are monitoring our media and 98% of the internet is porn…They’re not giving us anal probes; they’re just trying to speak the language.
Patting down your pockets to make sure you have your wallet, phone and keys is like doing a Quick Save.
It is easier to stay awake till 6 AM than to wake up at 6 AM.
If you were to read somebody’s mind, would you read it in your voice or theirs?
Adult beverages tend to make you act like less of an adult..
Don’t use the bathroom in your dream. It’s a trap.
All new laptops should have a small sliding cover in front of the webcam.
It’s socially acceptable to cough and sneeze, but not to fart despite the fact that coughing and sneezing can spread infection, but farting cannot.
All photos of animals have been taken without their consent.
Rubbing alcohol is for wounds on the outside, but drinking alcohol is for wounds on the inside.
8 hours of drinking is binge drinking, 8 hours of TV is binge watching, 8 hours of sleep is barely enough.
A lighter gets lighter every time you light it.
Swans are loud, territorial, violent, aggressive, terrifying, and an emblem of romantic love.
Quotes January 03, 2018
Courtesy of theCHIVE