All quotes courtesy of theCHIVE
Monday the 13th sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.
We’ve stepped on the moon. But we still haven’t mastered that awkward delay between studio anchor and field reporter.
Any sleep you get after 8 hours, should roll over to the next night.
It’s weird that horrible and terrible are synonyms, but horrific and terrific are antonyms.
If a vampire bites a zombie, does the zombie turn into a vampire, or does the vampire turn into a zombie?
Batman has been ‘ridding Gotham of crime for decades now and it’s still full of criminals. He’s doing a really bad job.
The idea that you shouldn’t shop for groceries while hungry also applies to dating. Never browse through online dating sites while “lonely”.
A bank teller is also a fortune teller.
Chess was one of the first games to feature a strong female lead.
Military surplus stores make you buy equipment that you already paid for.
It’s 2018. A waffle iron should come packaged with the correct size cup for scooping batter into the iron so you do not need to guess how much is too much.
Bill Gates’ kids have never had the experience of trying to walk your parents through something simple on a computer.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there’s something cool to see.
It’s so easy to fall asleep on a couch, until you actually need to fall asleep on a couch.
There should be a noodle brand named “Karma” so people can make themselves a cup of “Instant Karma.”
If someone sued over luggage, it could be a suit suit or a case case.
Pinterest is like a virus that infected the google image search.
If people grew vegetables like they do marijuana we would have the healthiest, tastiest vegetables ever.
If you walk into somebody’s bathroom, and see anti-dandruff shampoo, you could assume that they have dandruff, but you could also assume they don’t have dandruff.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
We all just walk around pretending it’s not weird that one of our hands is better at stuff than the other.
Websites should tell you what their password requirements are on the login screen so you can remember which version of your password you used.
MTV should do do a version of Catfish where they follow people looking for a job and reveal how often they are “Catfished” by lies and misrepresentations in job descriptions.
Gary Newman is older than Gary Oldman.
There should be a game where it starts with old school graphics and as you level up it gets better and better.
C-3PO is fluent in over 6 million languages, but due to the design of his arms he’ll never be able to do sign language.
It’s a missed opportunity that Bruno Mars fans aren’t referred to as Martians.
