Quotes July 08, 2019

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

 
 

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago.

I owe my life to chocolate!
 
 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, “Only caught one, eh?”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.

“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber.

“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”

The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”
 
 

A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.”

And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?”

“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.”

“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.”

The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
 
 

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?”

“Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
Submitted by Gegg Smith
 
 
 
 

THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive- aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
3. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
 
 
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the little man.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the little man.

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“And the clerk asked me, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?'”

“What happened next?” the judge asked.

“I punched him.”
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him…
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Submitted by Stuart Page
 
 
 
 
I started a new job as a security guard last night.
Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.
I am on season 2 already but I don’t know what it has to do with security.
Submitted by Danny Jackson