Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?
Because there wasn’t mushroom.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
“What does your mother do for a headache?”
“She sends me out to play.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
“You don’t know your arithmetic.”
“You don’t know my father!”
A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”
Submitted by HENNE
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites.”
“Why thank you,” I replied.
Then he concluded with, “You were mean to everyone.”
Submitted by ERS
While on vacation in Spain with my wife, I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.
It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.
I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”
She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Submitted by barber7796
It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.
“Who’s winning?” I asked cheerfully.
“I am,” said one.
“No, I am,” said another.
“No,” the father said. “Their mother is!”
Submitted by wadejagz
Two windmills are in a field. One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”
The other one says, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”
Submitted by Gegg Smith