“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”
“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper.
As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.
“Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband.
Submitted by HENNE
A husband comes in from the garage. His wife asks, “What’s wrong?”
He replies, “I lost something. I thought I had put it somewhere safe in the garage.”
“How many safe places are there in the garage?” she asks.
“Clearly one more than I can remember.”
Submitted by wadejagz
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take your kid to work Day’.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
Submitted by chocco
Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math.
“Son, can you explain this to me?”
“Well dad, the teacher didn’t have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!”
Submitted by RS
Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
Submitted by Klein
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday.
I told her she will if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules.
Otherwise, she will get a cheaper phone because…
It’s my way or the Huawei…
Submitted by Gegg Smith
After months of searching, Pat found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.
One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked his boss if he might attend.
“For sure,” his boss said. “I was already planning on sending you.”
“Oh yes, who do you think is going to be teaching it?”
Submitted by pinkgalaxy3
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.
“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!”
“No,” the woman replied, “I’m just a really bad golfer!”
Submitted by mcdanijt
Husband stepping out of the shower, “Honey, I think I’m losing weight finally!”
Wife replies, “Why’s that?”
“My towel’s fitting a lot looser!”
Submitted by Marko