Quotes May 06, 2020

Courtesy of theCHIVE

If a vacuum is not being used, it’s collecting dust. If it is being used it’s also collecting dust.
The only exhausting thing about online shopping is to find a payment method that doesn’t require you to get up.
One of the scariest experiences you can have playing sports is losing a ball in the sunlight and knowing it’s coming down somewhere in the vicinity of your face.
You’ve been shouted and sworn at hundreds of times while driving, and you don’t know when.
If you’re the least attractive person in an orgy, you’re at the right orgy.
People would be a lot more willing to rate apps if they didn’t have to switch apps to do so.
If you’re watching Jeopardy! and you’re the only one in the room, not saying a correct answer out loud still feels like you got it wrong.
There’s a sense of relief when you find out that someone is an asshole in general and not just towards you.
As humans were evolving, the first one to develop a sense of humor must have faced a REALLY tough crowd.
All meat is just highly processed vegetables.
80s and 90s kids got sick of their moms telling them to pause the game, so they grew up, became developers, and invented games that can’t be paused.
Your dog probably has a favorite outfit that you wear.
Your phone doesn’t autocorrect when you type in caps because it thinks you are angry and doesn’t want to get involved.
Snakes kill in two ways: with hugs and with kisses.
Sex is just your DNA trying to make a new body so it can live on without you.
The strictest parents raise the best liars.
There’s a sense of relief when you find out that someone is an asshole in general and not just towards you.
People say that if you practice an activity for 21 days streak it becomes a habit. However, being woken up 7665 times in the morning, 21 YO still struggle with that.
Going to sleep when you’re not feeling well is like turning your body off and back on again to see if it fixes the problem.
George Washington died in 1799. The first dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never knew dinosaurs existed.
The phrase “drugs and alcohol” is kind of like saying “fruit and watermelon.
We get angry when our pets get in our way/step on the laptop/make noise at night, but frequently pick them up when they are resting, carry them around, startle them with various noises and talk loudly in childish voices around them.
Solar energy is just Nuclear Energy from a safe distance.
It’s gonna be a pain for future generations to catch up on Marvel and Star Wars movies.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick…two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
The age that you can afford nice things is about the time you have children to destroy them.
Since haste makes waste and good things come to those who wait, procrastination deserves a lot more respect.
Spiderman’s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
A cactus is nothing but a heavily armed cucumber.
The adult equivalent of “the floor is hot lava” is trying to get all the clothes from the washer to the dryer in one armful without dropping any.
Half of Blink 182 is Wink 91.
There’s nothing more mildly offensive than when someone else approaches the crosswalk and doesn’t trust that you’ve already pushed the button.
When we discover that adults are not perfect, that’s the end of our childhood. When we forgive them for it, that’s the end of our adolescence.
Today’s youth will never know the joy of catching 3 hours of your favorite show in a row on TV.
Weird there are women named Summer, Autumn, and even Winter, but you never see someone named Spring. You do, however, see people named April, May, and June.
Eating corn is the easiest way to see how fast your digestive system works.
The opposite of “Tinder” would be an app named “Tender” which connects people for long-lasting, romantic relationships .
Being unable to smell if you have bad breath when it’s literally right under your nose seems like a cruel joke your body is playing.
10 years ago a Black Mirror episode of today’s world would have been mind blowing.
It’s weird how an attractive face is the criteria by which we decide whether or not to lick the area a person pees from.
If you clean up a mess after an ant has already left to report back to his colony you’re essentially making him look like a liar.
Drawing trees on paper with a pencil is slightly morbid.
Boxing is a competition to see who can jiggle their opponent’s soft brain tissue hard enough to make them forget how to stand up.
People that wait until they’re married to have sex technically only have sex with people in their family.
If the apocalypse ever happens it’s going to ruin someone’s birthday..
It’s 20x easier to tell if someone likes you when you don’t like them back.
You never really understand how loud everyday activities are until you do them when everyone is asleep.
Fathers only get a day, but sharks get a whole week.
We’re living in the golden age of laughing at AI doing stupid things like writing nonsense dialog and failing at video games. It never existed before us and won’t exist once AI gets good enough to not make mistakes. Our children will never know the joy of laughing at computers being dumb.
There’s no other gamble quite like peeing in a dream.
A murderer may have crossed your path, thought about killing you and thought “nah.”
If “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” came out today the students in it would have #SaveFerris trending on social media.
Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
Maybe the reason super villains always spill their evil plan is because the want someone to talk to.
A temporary tattoo on a child is basically just a “last washed” indicator.
If the Big Bad Wolf had hired the Kool Aid man, the 3 Little Pigs would have ended in a totally different way.
Marriage was more appealing when the average life expectancy was only 35.
Door-to-door salesmen are real life pop-up ads.
People think it’s beautiful that no two snowflakes are exactly alike. But neither are potato chips.
Smart phones are probably responsible for reducing graffiti in public toilets.
If you dislike an actor because of a character they played that you hated, they’re a pretty damn good actor.
Getting sweaty palms while climbing tall things seems like something that our bodies shouldn’t do.
You know you’ve grown up when you start having nightmares about real life problems instead of things like dragons and quicksand.
If you tell someone they’re eating “fish,” they won’t question it. If you tell someone they’re eating “mammal” or “bird,” they’re probably going to have some serious follow up questions.
Cracking your knuckles is a real life ability that has a cooldown.
Your future self is talking sh*t about you.
Humans relax to the sounds of birds screaming for sex.
It’s so much easier to initiate a conversation with someone when you don’t find them attractive.
When King Midas touches a Rubiks cube, the cube is technically solved.
Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.
It was pretty ballsy of the guy that asked for humanity’s first blow job.
You have to admire the stability of the Mushroom Kingdom while their ruler is kidnapped.
Job hunting while unemployed feels like meticulously searching for new trash cans to put your resume in.
The more hugs you give the more hugs you get.
People who wear glasses or contacts have to pay to see. The rest do for free.
People in sitcoms never laugh at each other’s jokes.
There could have been a moment in history were every single human blinked at the same time, but no one noticed… because no one saw it.
The first guy to hit two birds with one stone must have told EVERYONE.
The fact that spiders don’t live in colonies like ants do is really under appreciated.
Throughout history there has to be at least one chef/cook that was executed because the royal food tester had a fatal allergic reaction to un-poisoned food.
If the saying that each cigarette takes 7 minutes off of your life is true, then it would take 75,000 cigarettes to take off 1 year of your life. If you smoked a pack a day, every single day, it would take 10 years of smoking to take off 1 year of your life.
If we allowed people to adopt tigers as pets, we’d probably save the tiger population while getting our own population under control at the same time.
There is nothing more disappointing than being a teenager seeing a movie because it says “partial nudity” and seeing a man’s ass
Elevators are the loading screens of life.
The more you grow old, the more you fall in love with the fact that no one gives a f*ck about you.
Maybe we are in a simulation, and they make a few people actually experience a flat earth just to mess with us.
Owning a dragon doesn’t sound as cool anymore when you think of all the shit you’d have to clean up.
If it wasn’t for smokers, it would have been many years until we could have charged our phones in cars.
Sneezing while driving is seriously underrated as far as frightening events go.
The people who say “life’s not fair, get over it” are usually the people who are directly making life unfair..
The number 0 is like a portal from the positive world to the negative world.
With all the scientists in Hell, there’s probably air conditioning there now.
Everyone is an IT guy in their grandma’s eyes.
The thought of owning a bunch of dogs sounds amazing until you walk into the home of a person that owns a bunch of dogs.