Courtesy of A Joke A Day
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”
“No,” I replied.
“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”
“I really don’t have any,” I said.
“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.
“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.
There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”
Submitted by HENNE
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.
Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”
The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!”
Submitted by HENNE
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?”
“Yeah, we got robbed last night.”
Submitted by HENNE
The official glossary to running late…
“On the way…” – Still in bed.
“In the car…” – In the shower.
“GPS says 35 min…” – Getting ready.
“There’s traffic…” – Leaving the house.
“Parking now…” – 15 minutes out.
“Can’t find a spot…” – 5 minutes out.
“Walking in…” – Looking for a spot.
Submitted by HENNE
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
“Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?”
“Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
Boss: “The word ‘Impossible’ does not exist in my dictionary!”
Secretary: “Well Sir, maybe you should have checked it first before buying it.”
Submitted by RS
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked, “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work”.
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Submitted by Mary
Child: “Mom, can I go out to play?”
Mom: “What? With those holes in your pants?”
Child: (looking down at his pants) “No, with the kids next door…”
Submitted by John W Kirschner
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Submitted by Danny Jackson
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.
To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.
My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”
I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
Submitted by Danny Jackson
Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
Guess I really am… Independent!
Submitted by Danny Jackson
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
Submitted by Danny Jackson
What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking once back inside.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles…
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and…(pause)…… cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged, “I’m not sure, I was born with them.”
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
Death and taxes are inevitable…
But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
One of the oldest dances popular in D.C. has a new name: The Politician.
“All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around.”
Submitted by Benjones
A pirate walks into a pub on the mainland with an enormous rainbow feathered parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep stares at the rather intimidating bird until he finally gathers enough courage to ask the pirate about it.
He points at the pirate and says, “Where did you get that?”
“Pirate Bay,” the parrot answers, “the place is filled to the brim with ’em!”
Submitted by Benjones
Old man walks up and says, “For sixty years I’ve been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year.”
“Why’s that?”
“Better selection of turkeys!”
Submitted by Mac
The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans
Old world charm …………………………… No bath
Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ………………………………. No extras
Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge
Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard
Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard
Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap
Cozy …………………………………………. Small
All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps
Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets
Submitted by Anonymous
A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”
“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
Submitted by S.Sovetts
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”
Mom smiled and then replied, “Oh I remember!”
Submitted by Tristan Cook
A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn’t swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.
“Is it true?” the newcomer asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”
“No I can’t,” the captain replied. “Can pilots fly?”
Submitted by wadejagz
