My youngest son asked me how old I was.
I answered, “39 and holding.”
He thought for a moment and then asked, “But how old would you be if you let go?”
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot.
The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left.
The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right.
The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.”
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable WiFi!
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says, “Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”
The second one says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My dad’s a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground.”
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45.”
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this – it’s a hardware problem.”
The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.”
The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working – let’s ship it!”
How did the girl break up with tractor salesman?
She sent him a John Deere letter.
My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child.
It seems like he never got over it.
I set aside a dollar every time a woman found me unattractive…
Now they are starting to find me attractive…
Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”
Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”
Some things are just better left unsaid…
Which I usually realize right after I’ve said them.
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, “A good lawyer.”
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”
“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks…
I wake up feeling more like “Insufficient Funds”.
Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.
“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say its OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck…”