Courtesy of Unknown, Anonymous and The Chive:
I end a lot of my sentences with “just saying” because ending the sentence with “dumb ass” would probably be considered offensive.
Saying there are no aliens in the universe is like scooping a cup of water out of the ocean and saying there is no fish.
A phone can make sound travel faster than the speed of sound.
People born in 1995 are 22 and those born in -22 are 95.
Using your old computer to find a new one is like asking your wife to find you a mistress.
Check fridge, Nothing to eat. Check pantry, nothing to eat. Lower standards, repeat.
It’s socially acceptable to drink cans of soda with over 10 teaspoons of sugar in them, but if you ask for more than 2 teaspoons in your coffee, you’re judged by everyone.
The first man who gave a colorful sparkly stone to a girl really had no idea what he was getting the rest of us into.
We deal with mortality the same way we dealt with homework: postpone the thought of it until we realize we are screwed.
Websites should have a counter for how many times someone else has tried to claim your username
It’s a good thing money isn’t orange or rappers would have a harder time rapping about it.
If cigarettes continue to fall by the wayside to vaping, future kids are going to be talking about how their dad left to get juice ten years ago and never came back.
Conspiracy theories make dumb people feel smart.
People who make pens with caps that don’t fit on the back of the pen are just sadists.
My English teacher says there is a fine line between hyphenated words.