Tag: The Chive

Quotes December 18, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

There’s probably a correlation between how poorly a job pays and how many inspirational quotes are found around the workplace.
The most effective alarm clock is the sound of your cat/dog throwing up on the floor.
We are living a day which is going to be an exam question in a history class 50 years from now.
As a child, you think cyclists wearing helmets look stupid. As an adult, you know cyclists without helmets are stupid.
Everyone asks where we go after we die, but no-one asks where we are before we are born.
You don’t realize just how awesome a porn video is until you can’t find it again.
Doing nothing and doing too much are both considered “not having a life.”
The Internet would be a much more civil place if we had an official sarcasm font.
‘Dad-fashion’ is not the result of declining fashion sense… it’s the result of no longer giving a sh*t about strangers’ opinions.
Dippin’ Dots has been “The ice cream of the future” for 30 years now and we still can’t get it at the grocery store.
Great Wall of China has brought more foreigners than it kept out.
Falling down is the same as being hit by a planet.
Penguins are just seal software running on bird hardware.
It’s surprising there aren’t any conspiracy theories that the ocean is bottomless because most people have never been to the seafloor.
Catching an animal, tagging it, then releasing it back into the wild is probably their equivalent of alien abductions.
People don’t realize how lonely they are until they are the only ones up at night and everyone else is sleeping.
It’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids.
If toilet seats in men’s public restrooms automatically went up unless you held them down to sit, people couldn’t pee on the seats
The fact that stars are paid more than scientists shows that we value entertaining more than progress.
Everybody’d think bees are exceptionally cute if they didn’t have stingers.
We say “hair” when referring to a lot of it, but we say “hairs” when referring to only a few strands.
Australia has three A’s, all pronounced differently.
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.
Running away from your problems never helps… unless you are overweight.
Betty White outlived jokes about how Betty White is still alive

Quotes May 28, 2019

Courtesy of theCHIVE

Using a dollar bill as a book mark is cheaper than buying a bookmark.
Maybe crickets have the exact opposite sense of humor to us, so whenever you hear crickets after a bad joke it’s just your tiny fan club absolutely dying with laughter.
People with poor spelling probably have the best passwords.
If humans have only existed for 0.2% of the earth’s existence, it’s way more likely aliens turned up, saw an empty planet and then left without a second thought.
Even though Stephen Hawking is gone from this earth, they can still use his voice for narration.
Hollywood has no idea what a lower-middle class house actually looks like.
Anxiety is just your brain coming up with fake news.
Anyone who says “bad sex is like a bad pizza, even when it’s bad it’s good” has never had bad sex or a bad pizza.
There is nothing better than realizing, right after you wake up, that you won’t have to face repercussions for the terrible choices you made in your dream.
It must be really hard for an honest person in Nigeria to order anything over the Internet.
 Single men tend to keep their vehicles clean but their houses messy. Single women tend to keep their houses clean but their vehicles messy, hence when you get married, everything is a mess.
 People won’t take 15 seconds to fact check something but will spend 15 minutes to find out what kind of potato they are.
 At one point in our future, someone will be the last person who dies before immortality was achieved. People will feel bad for that person at first, then over time people will be jealous of that person.
  A 15th century army wouldn’t stand a chance against 21st century army, but a 21st century Knight wouldn’t stand a chance against 15th century Knight.
People who run out of shampoo and conditioner at the same time really have their lives together.
 Having a large vocabulary is like having a lot of crayons. You rarely use azure or ochre, but it still feels nice to have them in the box.
At any moment you could suddenly wake up from a coma, with the last thing you remember being this moment.
 You never realize how boring some of the scenes of your favorite movies are until you are showing that movie to a friend or family member.
You say tuna fish but you don’t say chicken bird. Why?
Mark Zuckerberg used to be a hero of the digital age, but now he has lived long enough to see himself become the villain.
If car drivers were connected by voice chat if would probably be even way more toxic than voicevchats in online games.
“Based on a true story” movies are all part of the same series.
What if Tinder uses AI to find matches that is knows won’t last long to bring you back to the app for ad revenue and payments?
No one actually eats the ribs when eating ribs.
Nerf would be a lot better if you didn’t have to pick up the darts afterwards.
Lightning ports on iPhones are technically… Apple jacks.
When people are bored in ‘The Sims’ they start to burn everyone and everything to the ground. When people are bored in ‘Grand Theft Auto’ they drive slowly and carefully, sticking to the correct side of the road and obeying traffic lights.
The last ten tissues in a box should be a different color so you know when to buy a new box.
Being 35 and not wanting to work in the field for which you’ve prepared is like being half way through an RPG and realizing you’ve built out your skill tree all wrong and you can’t respect and you can’t make a new character and there will never be another video game again.
There should be a cooking competition show where the contestants can only use kitchen gadgets that are in “as seen on TV” type ads.
The Star Wars opening crawl is still floating through space somewhere.
“Fake it till you make it” is also what people do to fall asleep.
It’s 2018, shouldn’t cereal come in a bag with a zip closure by now?
U.S. laws should have a mandatory 10 yr. review to see if the law implemented has benefited society or damaged it.
The good thing about being ugly is that when girls laugh at your jokes you know they’re funny.
Barn owls must have been stoked when barns were invented.
Earth is a dinosaur planet, and humans are just mutants left over after the apocalypse.
Unless Life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

Quotes October 20, 2018

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.”
Audrey Hepburn
Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.
George W. Russell
“Beauty is bought by judgment of the eye.”
William Shakespeare, Love’s Labours Lost, Act 2, Scene 1
“Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.”
Kahlil Gibran
“Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty – they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.”
Martin Buxbaum
“In every man’s heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of beauty.”
Christopher Morley
“Beauty always promises, but never gives anything.”
Simone Weil
“Beauty and folly are generally companions.”
Baltasar Gracian
“Plainness has its peculiar temptations quite as much as beauty.”
George Eliot
“No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly.”
Oscar Wilde
“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
Nicholas Sparks
“You must make a decision that you are going to move on. It won’t happen automatically. You will have to rise up and say, ‘I don’t care how hard this is, I don’t care how disappointed I am, I’m not going to let this get the best of me. I’m moving on with my life.’”
Joel Osteen, ‘Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential’
“Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
Deborah Reber, ‘Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul’
“Girls you’ve gotta know when it’s time to turn the page.”
Tori Amos, ‘Tori Amos: From the Choirgirl Hotel’
“It is important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes. We need to learn from our errors and move on.”

“Poisonous relationships can alter our perception. You can spend many years thinking you’re worthless. But you’re not worthless. You’re underappreciated.”

“Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.”

“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness.”
Steve Maraboli
“If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.”
Shannon L. Alder
“It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else”
Phil McGraw
“We teach people how to treat us.”
Dr. Phil
When I was growing up, my parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.’
Thomas Friedman
Courtesy of theCHIVE
It’s weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe and daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame.
If you run at 11pm you are a night person. If you run at 5am you are a morning person. If you run at 3am you are a suspicious person.
Knowledge is knowing that you can carry all of the groceries in at once. Wisdom is making multiple trips so that by the time you are done, other family members have put away most of the groceries.
The world would be a much thinner place if food was priced per calorie.
Your dog thinks “fetch” is a game that the two of you made up, and he loves you for that.
It’s a good thing dogs can’t use phones or they’d file missing persons reports all day long.
Dogs who grab the paper in the morning probably think they have a huge responsibility, and watching their owners read it afterwards must make them feel so great.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
It’s weird that being a good dad and great father are highly praised but little boys who play with baby dolls are made fun of.