Tag: Humour

A man went into a bookstore and complained…

“I bought this book from you yesterday, ‘Cowards in History’ and all the pages fell out!”

The sales assistant said, “That’s because it has no spine.”
 
 
 
 
I ordered a Thesaurus online and it just arrived.

The pages are all BLANK!!!

I have no words to express my outrage.
 
 
 
 
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college while working for my parents as their daughter.
 
 
 
 
One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.

He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”
 
 
 
 
The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
 
 
 
 
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.
 
 
 
 
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.

“What do you think?” she said

He looked around. “Isn’t this how we got here in the first place?”
 
 
 
 

Two students were arguing when their teacher entered the classroom. The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
 
 
 
 
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”

Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn’t do my homework last night.”
 
 
 
 
My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation.

When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, “Well, actually, what she said was I was the ‘last resort.'”
 
 
 
 
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.

“Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asks.

“Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replies.
 
 
 
 
An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”
 
 
 
 
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant.
 
 
 
 
I’ve started a new exercise program.

I do twenty sit-ups every morning.

That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that SNOOZE button just so many times…
 
 
 
 
What is the name of the first electricity detective?

Sherlock Ohms!
 
 
 
 
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”

Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”

Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”

Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
 
 
 
 
“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”
“No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.”

“Did I dial the wrong number?
“No sir, Google bought the pizza store.”

“Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.”
“Okay sir, do you want the usual?”

“The usual? You know what my usual is?”
“According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.”

“Okay, that’s what I want this time too.”
“May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?”

“No, I hate vegetables.”
“But your cholesterol is not good.”

“How do you know?”
“Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“You know what, I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!”

“I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport… it expired 5 weeks ago.”

Army Infantry: An Army grunt stands in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having marched 15 miles, and says, “This sucks.”

Army Ranger: An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 miles, and says with a smile, “This sucks just fine!”

Army Special Forces: A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, pack on his back,
weapon in hand, after swimming to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake “This really sucks, I wish it could suck more…..”

Air Force: An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain is pouring down,
looks down at the soldiers below and says: “Sure sucks down there!”

Navy: A Naval Officer, sips his coffee, eats a donut on the bridge of the ship as it rains outside looks to the shore and says: “Sure does suck over there.”

Air Force Officer: An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned,
carpeted BOQ room and says to his friend, “Man.. Cable’s out! This sucks!”

U.S. Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a “4.”
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
14. There are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot.
15. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.
16. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.
The last three rules are courtesy of General Mattis.

Navy SEALS Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

Ten rules to live by: (From Admiral Bill McCraven)
Start your day with a task completed
You cannot go it alone
Only the size of your heart matters
Life is not fair, drive on.
Failure can make you stronger
You must dare greatly
Stand up to bullies
Rise to the occasion
Give people hope
Never, ever quit

U.S. Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from “Higher” to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

U.S. Army Rules:
1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

U.S. Army Special Forces Rules:
1. Always look cool.
2. Always know where you are.
3. If you do not know where you are – look cool.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on HBO.
4. Ask “what is a gunfight?”
5. Request more funding from Congress with a “killer” Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ‘key’ Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets “strategic” and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
4. Deploy the Marines.

My youngest son asked me how old I was.

I answered, “39 and holding.”

He thought for a moment and then asked, “But how old would you be if you let go?”
 
 
 
 
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot.

The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left.

The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right.

The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.”
 
 
 
 
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…

So I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi!
 
 
 
 
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says, “Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”

The second one says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My dad’s a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground.”

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45.”
 
 
 
 
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.

“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.

“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
 
 
 
 
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this – it’s a hardware problem.”

The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.”

The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working – let’s ship it!”
 
 
 
 
How did the girl break up with tractor salesman?

She sent him a John Deere letter.
 
 
 
 
My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child.

It seems like he never got over it.
 
 
 
 
I set aside a dollar every time a woman found me unattractive…

Now they are starting to find me attractive…
 
 
 
 
Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”

Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”
 
 
 
 
Some things are just better left unsaid…

Which I usually realize right after I’ve said them.
 
 
 
 
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.

I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
 
 
 
 
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

 
 
 
 
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, “A good lawyer.”
 
 
 
 
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”

The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”

The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
 
 
 
 
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”

Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.

The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.

“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”

“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
 
 
 
 
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

 
 
 
 
Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks…

Me?

I wake up feeling more like “Insufficient Funds”.
 
 
 
 
Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.

“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say its OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck…”

Two friends are chatting…

“I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish.”

“What is your wish?”

“That somebody would give me two million dollars.”

 
 
 
 
A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys “R” Us store and stealing a board game…

He got Life.
 
 
 
 
A man is applying for a job in a circus. The interviewer asks: “So what can you do?”

“I can do a really good bird impression” replied the man

“Oh we already have people who do that here, we won’t be needing you for that”

“Oh well,” the man said sadly and flew away.
 
 
 
 
Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, “How many wives can a man have?”

His friend answered, “Sixteen… four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”
 
 
 
 
I don’t know why most people think a dog’s life is so easy.

Every time I come home from work, I ask my dog how his day went.

He always says, “Rough!”
 
 
 
 

Last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”

I replied, “You really want to know?”

Then I dropped out of the race.
 
 
 
 

John: “My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses.”

Jack: “Wow, that is incredible!”

John: “Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle.”

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender said: “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff.”

“Just call me Hoff,” said the actor.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
 
 
 
 

An interim school superintendent, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems. He told them, “You can call me day or night, at this number . . .”

Suddenly there was a cry from the assistant superintendent. “Hey,” he exclaimed, “that’s MY number!”
 
 
 
 
My books all piled on top of me, I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
 
 
 
 
Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Yes, dear.

Woman: Would you die for me?

Man: No… mine is an undying love.

 
 
 
 
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
 
 
 
 
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

 
 
 
 
Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.

The waiter sees this and says to them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.
 
 
 
 
Fred: “Do you think I have any brains at all?”

John: “Well, how can I put this nicely, I can describe it best like this… If they were to take your brain, roll it into a little ball and roll it down the edge of a razor blade, it would look like a BB rolling down an eight lane freeway.”
 
 
 
 
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

“What’s the matter son?” asked his mother.

“Aw, gee,” said the boy, “it’s my marks. They’re all wet.”

“What do you mean, ‘all wet’?” she asks.

“I mean,” he replied, “well below C-level.”

 
 
 
 
Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patients sew up his own incisions?

It’s called Suture Yourself.
 
 
 
 
The young man comes running into the store and says to his buddy, “Tommy, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Tommy reacts, “Did you see who it was?”

The young man answers, “No, I couldn’t tell… but I did get his license plate number!”
 
 
 
 

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
 
 
 
 

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, “Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty.”

Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, “Depends if you’re drinking or pouring.”

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.

“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last longer than that.”
 
 
 
 
What kind of alien makes the best of friends?
The one that is down to Earth.
 
 
 
 
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”

“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”

He scratched his head, “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
 
 
 
 
A woman sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and ask, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.

The man stands and clears his throat, then says “Plethora” and sits back down.

“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”
 
 
 
 
A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
 
 
 
 
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
 
 
 
 
A baby camel was born at the zoo last week and the poor thing had no hump…
So they named him Humphrey.
 
 
 
 
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew’s foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor says, “Don’t worry, we’ll send some shovels… just lean on each other until they arrive.”
 
 
 
 
A girl in our office, from South American, is always in a hurry…
We call her URGENT-TINA.
 
 
 
 
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”

The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”

The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”

The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”

“Yes,” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”
 
 
 
 
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
 
 
 
 
Why didn’t The Terminator upgrade to WINDOWS 10?
I asked him and his reply was, “I still love VISTA baby!”
 
 
 
 
The teacher said, “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’”

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.
 
 
 
 
Little Hope was practicing the violin in the living room while her father was trying to read in the den.

The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Hope’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, “Can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?!”
 
 
 
 
JOHNNY: “Say Mom, was our baby sent down from heaven?”

MOTHER: “Yes, son.”

JOHNNY: “I guess they like to have things quiet up there, huh?”
 
 
 
 
My brain travels at the speed of light…
One second it’s here and the next it’s 186,000 miles away.
 
 
 
 
My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.

I asked him how much he enjoyed it.

“It’s Sew-Sew.”
 
 
 
 
Thank you student loans for getting me through college…
I don’t think I can ever pay you back.
 
 
 
 
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

I replied, “Gas, water, and electricity.”
 
 
 
 
Top Signs You’re Bored at Work

– You’ve already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year.
– You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

– You’ve figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
– You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

– People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
– No longer content with merely photocopying your rear, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

– You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
– The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.