starts at 4:30
My youngest son asked me how old I was.
I answered, “39 and holding.”
He thought for a moment and then asked, “But how old would you be if you let go?”
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot.
The first actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the left.
The second actuary’s shot is 20 feet wide to the right.
The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.”
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy…
So I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable WiFi!
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says, “Well, my dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”
The second one says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My dad’s a ball player. He can throw a ball and be there before the ball lands on the ground.”
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about fast. My dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45.”
I’d been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.
“You’ll get $24,” said the clerk.
“This is insane,” I protested as I wrote out the check.
“I know,” replied the clerk sympathetically. “I’ve always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course.”
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.
The software manager says, “I can’t do anything about this – it’s a hardware problem.”
The hardware manager says, “Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself.”
The marketing manager says, “Hey, 75% of it is working – let’s ship it!”
How did the girl break up with tractor salesman?
She sent him a John Deere letter.
My son thinks I set the bar too high for him as a child.
It seems like he never got over it.
I set aside a dollar every time a woman found me unattractive…
Now they are starting to find me attractive…
Doctor: “Have you been drinking fluids?”
Patient: “Jeez, Doc, that’s literally all I drink.”
Some things are just better left unsaid…
Which I usually realize right after I’ve said them.
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she replied, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, “A good lawyer.”
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front door. “Lady,” he announced, “I’m the piano tuner.”
The lady exclaimed, “Why, I didn’t send for a piano tuner.”
The man replied, “I know, but your neighbors did.”
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”
“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Some people wake up feeling like a million bucks…
I wake up feeling more like “Insufficient Funds”.
Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.
“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the USA.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve lived and worked there all those years and say its OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck…”
On This Day
900 – The Laguna Copperplate Inscription (the earliest known written document found in what is now the Philippines): the Commander-in-Chief of the Kingdom of Tondo, as represented by the Honourable Jayadewa, Lord Minister of Pailah, pardons from all debt the Honourable Namwaran and his relations.
The Laguna Copperplate Inscription (Filipino: Inskripsyon sa Binatbat na Tanso ng Laguna, Malay: Prasasti keping tembaga Laguna; often shortened into the acronym LCI), a legal document inscribed on a copper plate in 900 CE, is the earliest known calendar-dated document found in the Philippines. The date of the inscription would make it contemporary to the Balitung kingdom of Central Java, although it necessarily did not originate from that area.
The plate was found in 1989 by a laborer near the mouth of the Lumbang River in Wawa barangay, Lumban municipality, Laguna province. The inscription, written in a mix of the Old Malay language using the Old Kawi script, was first deciphered by Dutch anthropologist and Hanunó’o script expert Antoon Postma in 1992.
The LCI documents the existence of several early Philippine polities as early as AD 900, most notably the Pasig River delta polity of Tondo. Scholars believe that it also indicates trade, cultural, and possibly political ties between these polities and at least one contemporaneous Asian civilization—the Medang Kingdom of the island of Java.
The inscription was written in Kawi script—a writing system developed in Java, and using a mixture of languages including Sanskrit, Old Javanese, and Old Malay. This was a rare trace of Javanese influence, which suggests the extent of interinsular exchanges of that time.
Born On This Day
1911 – Ivan Combe, American businessman, developed Clearasil (d. 2000)
Ivan DeBlois Combe (April 21, 1911 – January 11, 2000) was the American inventor of personal-care products, most notably Clearasil and Odor Eaters. In 1949 he established his eponymous company Combe Incorporated in White Plains, New York.
Early life and career
Ivan DeBlois Combe was born in Fremont, Iowa, on April 21, 1911. Combe graduated from Northwestern University in 1933, and earned a law degree from the Northwestern University School of Law in 1936.
He became a salesman for Hydrox Ice Cream and the Wilbur Shoe Polish company before moving to New York City to work for the Young & Rubicam advertising agency. He later joined Pharmacraft, a drug manufacturer, but in 1949, left his vice president position to create his own company.
Combe died in Greenwich, Connecticut on January 11, 2000.
After his death, Northwestern University named the Combe Tennis Center in his honor.
The Kitchn: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Chunks; Harpoon Dunkin’ Summer Coffee Pale Ale; Krusteaz Gluten Free Confetti Buttermilk Pancake Mix and more ->
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TED Talks Carole Cadwalladr: Facebook’s role in Brexit — and the threat to democracy
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By Ranga Sirilal And Shihar Aneez, Reuters: Bombs kill more than 200 in Sri Lankan churches, hotels on Easter Sunday
By Christopher Quinn, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution: Veteran suicides draw new attention after deaths outside VA facilities
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By John Monk: ‘Mastermind’ in 7-Person Military Construction Scheme Sentenced to Prison
COLUMBIA, S.C. — Thomas Brock, a Kershaw County man who betrayed his wife, double-crossed a friend and cheated the federal government of more than $150 million in military construction contracts, will be going to federal prison for 51 months.
Easter is one of my favorite holidays with the kids. They get to run loose, and we always have our family and loved ones all around us!
Those have a short Lent who owe money to be paid at Easter.
And it is always Easter Sunday at the New York City Ballet. It is always coming back to life. Not even coming back to life – it lives in the constant present.
We are told to let our light shine, and if it does, we won’t need to tell anybody it does. Lighthouses don’t fire cannons to call attention to their shining – they just shine.
Dwight L. Moody
It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today and the reality of tomorrow.
Robert H. Schuller
“Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.”
“The message of Easter is that God’s new world has been unveiled in Jesus Christ and that you’re now invited to belong to it.”
Easter is not a time for groping through dusty, musty tomes or tombs to disprove spontaneous generation or even to prove life eternal. It is a day to fan the ashes of dead hope, a day to banish doubts and seek the slopes where the sun is rising, to revel in the faith which transports us out of ourselves and the dead past into the vast and inviting unknown.
Author unknown, as quoted in the Lewiston Tribune
Starting over is an acceptance of a past we can’t change, an unrelenting conviction that the future can be different, and the stubborn wisdom to use the past to make the future what the past was not.
Craig D. Lounsbrough
The fasts are done; the Aves said;
The moon has filled her horn
And in the solemn night I watch
Before the Easter morn.
So pure, so still the starry heaven,
So hushed the brooding air,
I could hear the sweep of an angel’s wings
If one should earthward fare.
Edna Dean Proctor, “Easter Morning”
But from this earth, this grave, this dust,
My God shall raise me up, I trust.
On This Day
1865 – Astronomer Angelo Secchi demonstrates the Secchi disk, which measures water clarity, aboard Pope Pius IX’s yacht, the L’Immaculata Concezion.
The Secchi disk, as created in 1865 by Angelo Secchi, is a plain white, circular disk 30 cm (12 in) in diameter used to measure water transparency or turbidity in bodies of water. The disc is mounted on a pole or line, and lowered slowly down in the water. The depth at which the disk is no longer visible is taken as a measure of the transparency of the water. This measure is known as the Secchi depth and is related to water turbidity. Since its invention, the disk has also been used in a modified, smaller 20 cm (8 in) diameter, black and white design to measure freshwater transparency.
Read more ->
Born On This Day
1923 – Mother Angelica, American nun and broadcaster, founded Eternal Word Television Network (d. 2016)
Mother Mary Angelica of the Annunciation, PCPA (born Rita Antoinette Rizzo; April 20, 1923 – March 27, 2016), also known as Mother Angelica, was a Catholic American Poor Clare nun best known for her television personality. She was also the founder of the internationally broadcast cable television network Eternal Word Television Network (EWTN) and the radio network WEWN.
In 1981, Mother Angelica started broadcasting religious programs from a converted garage in Birmingham, Alabama. Over the next twenty years, she developed a media network that included radio, TV, and internet channels as well as printed media. In 2009, Mother Angelica was a recipient of the Pro Ecclesia et Pontifice Award granted by Pope Benedict XVI for services to the Catholic Church.
Mother Angelica hosted shows on EWTN until she had a stroke in 2001. She continued to live in the cloistered monastery in Hanceville, Alabama, until her death at age 92 on March 27, 2016 (Easter Sunday).
Read more ->
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By KTVA Web Staff: Charges: 911 caller told APD dispatcher he would ‘blow her head off’
Shooshanian has had a history of calling 911 and making threats to APD, according to the charging document. Efforts by police to call him back or find him Thursday failed.
Court records show that Shooshanian pleaded guilty to a 2010 felony assault in Anchorage. He also pleaded no contest to separate charges of carrying a concealed weapon and resisting an officer during an assault arrest in 1992 and 1995 respectively.
The warrant on which Shooshanian was arrested specified an initial bail of $2,500. If he is released on bail after being taken into custody, it also requires that he “not contact law enforcement dispatch unless there is a valid emergency.”
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“Everybody is looking to find out what happened in the last moments of their loved ones’ lives,” Cross said, “and they deserve that closure. And the people who died deserve justice as well. It doesn’t matter what they were involved in.”
You can call Crime Stoppers locally at 561-STOP to remain anonymous, or call Anchorage police at 311 to submit a tip.
By KTVA Staff: Charges: 911 caller told APD dispatcher he would ‘blow her head off’
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Military personnel who need need help can call the Veterans Crisis Line at 800-273-8255. Suicidal troops and veterans can call the Military Crisis Line at 800-273-8255, press 1, for assistance, or text 838255.
By Hope Hodge Seck: More Discipline, Less Bleeding: General Defends Controversial New Policy
On Maj. Gen. David Furness’ last combat deployment to Afghanistan as commander of the Marines’ Regimental Combat Team 1 in 2010, the unit sustained 31 casualties. Nineteen of those, he says, were “the fault of the Marine either doing something he was told not to do and trained not to do or not doing something he was trained to do.”
The general said the corrections he expects leaders to make of Marines who are not squared away don’t have to be harsh and dramatic — they can be as simple as asking a service member if his or her behavior adheres to the given standard.
However, he added, he really doesn’t care what the internet has to say about his decision.
“They can pillory me to their hearts’ content on Terminal Lance or any social media platform they have,” he said, naming a popular Marine Corps web comic. “But we’re going to do the right thing for the right reason.”
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The AFTAC logo is a lithium atom surrounded by the slogan, “In God We Trust: All Others We Monitor.”