Courtesy of The Chive:
It’s more of a pain in the ass to hold an empty water bottle than to hold one that’s filled.
I could be the last person on Earth and I’d still close the door every time I’d go to the bathroom.
My dog is an organic doorbell with only 10% accuracy.
I don’t like running in public because I’m self-conscious of people judging me. But when I see people of any size running, I give them a mental “well done, do your thang” praise.
My parents used to stop me from doing all kinds of cool things. Now I’m stopping my kids from doing all kinds of stupid things.
An obsession with the imperial measurement system could be considered a ‘foot fetish.’
Let us all take a moment to appreciate that our internal organs don’t itch.
It’s strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread.
There should be two shuffle modes. One for songs you play frequently, and one for songs you haven’t heard in a while.
The tone I interpret from text is directly related to my own insecurities with that person.
Conor McGregor has the most impressive 0-1 boxing record ever.
My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 is a lot of money.
I’m closer to being homeless than I am to being a millionaire.
They should make the following a law: Any ads or offers you get in the mail must tell you where they got your information from.
Doorways are just really short tunnels.
Jelly fish are just wet ghosts.
90% of living is just making sure you’re not at the same place as something else at the same time.
The f*ckers who don’t use their blinker on the highway should have to drive specially made cars that only let them turn when they engage their blinker.
I wonder how much money I’ve made for the companies I’ve worked for vs how much they’ve paid me.
Dogs hear us talking all day, but if they bark for more than a minute we tell them to stop it.
Is Dora really an explorer if she travels exclusively through previously mapped territory?
Humans got so lazy that instead of cooking food with fire, we just blast it with radiation sometimes.
I correct autocorrect more often than autocorrect corrects me correctly.
Having one side of the family meet the other is like doing a crossover episode between TV shows.
Scientists who study meteors must really hate meteorologists for stealing their ology.
There has never been a time when I needed Num lock to be off.
You are never caught up on laundry unless you do laundry naked.
There becomes a point where you’re so late that you might as well just take your time.
The mentality “It’s only $5, why not buy it?” has probably cost me over $5,000 dollars in my lifetime.
When you lose one shoe, you really lose two shoes.
2020 seems so futuristic for only being 3 years away.
