Courtesy of theCHIVE
The difference between being sad and depression is sort of like the difference between the weather and climate.
Stoners should adopt retired police dogs so they can always find their stash.
The phrase “well done” for steaks was probably invented by a guy who didn’t want to admit that he burned his steaks.
Every machine can be a smoke machine if it is used wrong enough.
If you wear a sock inside out, the entire universe is wearing your sock… except you
The continent with the most educated workforce is actually Antarctica.
People would buy anything for $0.99, as long as it’s not a mobile app.
A strip club with no music would be really unsettling.
A staple of Burger King is the random onion ring in the order of fries.
Viagra is basically caps lock your penis.
2 steps forward and 2 steps back is still 4 steps on a Fitbit.
One of the biggest scams in life was your mom saying she won’t get angry if you say the truth.
The food pyramid is a “pyramid” not “triangle,” so what’s on the other sides?
Ketchup makes bad food taste good and good food taste bad.
Phones used to ring to get your attention, now they always have our attention so they stay on silent.
Maybe people would be better at standing up and talking if we hadn’t been told to sit down and shut up for the first quarter of our lives.
The first sip of coffee from a tall insulated cup with a lid is terrifying.