Tag: Humour

It’s a sign of the time…. it’s like being 16 again…

Gas is cheap and I’m grounded again!
S.Sovetts
 
 
 
 
My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch…

I usually keep them in my head but, keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.
Chloe2015
 
 
 
 
We cannot allow this year to end!

That would be admitting that 2021!!!
Danny Jackson
 
 
 
 
If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free… You either married it or gave birth to it.
Merkv814
 
 
 
 
Ralph was towing his boat home from a fishing trip in Jamaica Bay when his car broke down. He didn’t have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, “Mayday, mayday.”

A Coast Guard officer came on and said, “State your location.”

“I-95, two miles south of Cranston.”

After a very long pause, the officer asked, “How fast were you going when you reached shore?”
Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
In the daily briefing for the weather the weather man suggested with 100% certainty that the forecast for the afternoon call for heavy rains.

Assistant: “Are you positive, sir?”

Weatherman: “Yes indeed. I’ve lost my umbrella, I got my car washed on the way in, I’m going golfing, and my wife’s giving a lawn party.”
maryjones
 
 
 
 
My diary has had some very interesting entries during Corona-virus. As a sportsman, many of my entries during the suspension of sports have been sport oriented…

For example, here is my entry for April 17, 2020: “Day 37 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”
Arthur Art Will Williams

“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
 
 
 
 
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
 
 
 
 
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
 
 
 
 
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
 
 
 
 
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
 
 
 
 
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
 
 
 
 
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.”
Marc Maron
 
 
 
 
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
 
 
 
 
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
 
 
 
 
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
 
 
 
 
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
 
 
 
 
Without rain nothing grows. Embrace the storms in your life.
Unknown

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
 
 
 
 
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
 
 
 
 
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
 
 
 
 
“If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
Lawrence Ferlinghetti
 
 
 
 
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
 
 
 
 
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
 
 
 
 
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
 
 
 
 
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
 
 
 
 
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
 
 
 
 
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
 
 
 
 
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
 
 
 
 
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
 
 
 
 
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
 
 
 
 
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
 
 
 
 
People who make me laugh until I’m physically in pain are my favorite kind of people.
Unknown

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

 
 
The phone rang. It was a salesman from a mortgage refinance company. “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”
“No,” I replied.

“Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”

“I really don’t have any,” I said.

“How about freeing up cash for home improvements?” he tried.

“I don’t need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash,” I parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, “Are you looking for a husband?”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any responses to your ad that you’re looking for a night watchman?”

“Yeah, we got robbed last night.”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
The official glossary to running late…

“On the way…” – Still in bed.

“In the car…” – In the shower.

“GPS says 35 min…” – Getting ready.

“There’s traffic…” – Leaving the house.

“Parking now…” – 15 minutes out.

“Can’t find a spot…” – 5 minutes out.

“Walking in…” – Looking for a spot.
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 
A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit. At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.

One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.

“Ah,” he said, “that’s my altar ego.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
A man walked into a record store and asked the assistant, “Have you got anything by The Doors?”

“Yes,” she said, “a bucket and a fire extinguisher.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
Boss: “The word ‘Impossible’ does not exist in my dictionary!”

Secretary: “Well Sir, maybe you should have checked it first before buying it.”
Submitted by RS
 
 
 
 
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked, “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work”.

I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Submitted by Mary
 
 
 
 
Child: “Mom, can I go out to play?”

Mom: “What? With those holes in your pants?”

Child: (looking down at his pants) “No, with the kids next door…”
Submitted by John W Kirschner
 
 
 
 
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They’re, there, their.
Submitted by Danny Jackson
 
 
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?”

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
Submitted by Danny Jackson

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…

Guess I really am… Independent!
Submitted by Danny Jackson
 
 
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?

A mathemachicken.
Submitted by Danny Jackson
 
 
 
 
What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once back inside.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles…

He kept leaving little messages around the house.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and…(pause)…… cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged, “I’m not sure, I was born with them.”
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
Death and taxes are inevitable…

But at least death doesn’t get worse every year!
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
One of the oldest dances popular in D.C. has a new name: The Politician.

“All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around.”
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
A pirate walks into a pub on the mainland with an enormous rainbow feathered parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep stares at the rather intimidating bird until he finally gathers enough courage to ask the pirate about it.

He points at the pirate and says, “Where did you get that?”

“Pirate Bay,” the parrot answers, “the place is filled to the brim with ’em!”
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
 
 
Old man walks up and says, “For sixty years I’ve been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer this year.”

“Why’s that?”

“Better selection of turkeys!”
Submitted by Mac
 
 
 
 
The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans

Old world charm …………………………… No bath
Options galore …………………………….. Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ………………………………. No extras
Nominal fee ………………………………… Outrageous charge
Standard ……………………………………. Sub-standard
Deluxe ………………………………………. Standard
Superior …………………………………….. One free shower cap
Cozy …………………………………………. Small
All the amenities ………………………….. Two free shower caps
Plush ………………………………………… Top and bottom sheets
Submitted by Anonymous
 
 
 
 
A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, “Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?”

“P-u-t-t is correct,” he replied. “P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.”
Submitted by S.Sovetts
 
 
 
 
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Mom smiled and then replied, “Oh I remember!”
Submitted by Tristan Cook
 
 
 
 
A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn’t swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

“Is it true?” the newcomer asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No I can’t,” the captain replied. “Can pilots fly?”
Submitted by wadejagz

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…

But his brother Frank was a monster!
Gregg Smith
 
 
 
 

A taxpayer received a strongly worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
HENNE
 
 
 
 
A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium.

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks.

“Stones, sir,” the officer replies.

The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”

“It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”
Ben Jones
 
 
 
 

My friend couldn’t afford to pay his high water bill…

So I sent him a “Get ‘Well’ Soon” card.
Stuart Page
 
 
 
 

On day when returning home from work my wife proceeded to tell me that she had been called into the principal’s office because of the things OUR SON had done at school that day.

We agreed that he should be disciplined the same was I was disciplined when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper.

But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player. So what is a parent to do in this day and age?

We sent him to MY room!
Egbert
 
 
 
 

Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
Klein

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.

I’ll let you know.
Danny Jackson
 
 
 
 

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie-talkie.
Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?”

The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?”

“Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”

The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman: “Buy a television.”
HENNE
 
 
 
 
Seeing his shares plummet on a black morning during the recession, the boss called to his secretary, “Get my broker, Miss Wilks!”

”Certainly, sir. Stock or pawn?”
D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 

Son to dad: “Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?”

Dad: “My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?”

Son: “One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator.”
KG Raghunandanan
 
 
 
 
What did the Brit say when he paid 2,000 pounds for his fridge?

“Goodness gracious, that costs a ton!”
Jenmo1
 
 
 
 
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German man are watching a street performer. While he’s juggling, the street performer notices that the four have a bad view, so he stands on a crate and asks them, “Can you all see me now?”

The four guys respond to him, “Yes…”

“Oui…”

“Si…”

“Ja!”
ineffable
 
 
 
 
Upon arrival, the lumberjack started to swing at the tree, when the tree suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack grinned and said, “And you will dialogue!”
mcdanijt
 
 
 
 
A gorilla walks into a bar and, to the amazement of the bartender, orders a martini. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he is further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill.

The bartender takes the $20 bill, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla $1 change. The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.

“We don’t get too many apes in here,” he says.

The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
wadejagz
 
 
 
 
A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”

Bartender replies, “I don’t know, what does he look like?”
ERS

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago.

I owe my life to chocolate!
 
 

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, “Only caught one, eh?”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.

“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber.

“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”

The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”
 
 

A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.”

And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?”

“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.”

“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.”

The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.
 
 

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?”

“Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
Submitted by Gegg Smith
 
 
 
 

THINGS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive- aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Nope, no more beer for me.
2. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
3. Oh, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
Submitted by Benjones
 
 
 
 
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the little man.

“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the little man.

“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.

“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card.”

“And?” said the judge.

“And the clerk asked me, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?'”

“What happened next?” the judge asked.

“I punched him.”
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him…
So I suggested Kaye and Elle.
Submitted by Stuart Page
 
 
 
 
I started a new job as a security guard last night.
Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night.
I am on season 2 already but I don’t know what it has to do with security.
Submitted by Danny Jackson

Courtesy of A Joke A Day

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”

“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
 
 
There once was a funeral for a woman who had often screamed at her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made their cat and dog crazy with her explosive temper.

As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

“Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband.
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 
A husband comes in from the garage. His wife asks, “What’s wrong?”

He replies, “I lost something. I thought I had put it somewhere safe in the garage.”

“How many safe places are there in the garage?” she asks.

“Clearly one more than I can remember.”
Submitted by wadejagz
 
 
 
 
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on ‘Take your kid to work Day’.

As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.

Her father asked what was wrong.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
Submitted by chocco
 
 
 
 
Dad was angry when he saw that his son scored a zero in math.

“Son, can you explain this to me?”

“Well dad, the teacher didn’t have any stars left to give me, so she gave me a moon!”
Submitted by RS
 
 
 
 
Me: I taught my dog to play chess.

Friend: He must be very smart?

Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
Submitted by Klein
 
 
 
 
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday.

I told her she will if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules.

Otherwise, she will get a cheaper phone because…

It’s my way or the Huawei…
Submitted by Gegg Smith
 
 
 
 
After months of searching, Pat found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked his boss if he might attend.

“For sure,” his boss said. “I was already planning on sending you.”

“You were?”

“Oh yes, who do you think is going to be teaching it?”
Submitted by pinkgalaxy3
 
 
 
 
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.

“Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.”

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!”

“No,” the woman replied, “I’m just a really bad golfer!”
Submitted by mcdanijt
 
 
 
 
Husband stepping out of the shower, “Honey, I think I’m losing weight finally!”

Wife replies, “Why’s that?”

“My towel’s fitting a lot looser!”
Submitted by Marko

Courtesy of JokeADay

Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?

Because there wasn’t mushroom.
Submitted by Harry Finkelstein
 
 
 
 
“What does your mother do for a headache?”

“She sends me out to play.”
Submitted by D-Gellybean
 
 
 
 
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”

“One dollar.”

“You don’t know your arithmetic.”

“You don’t know my father!”
 
 
 
 
A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”
Submitted by HENNE
 
 
 
 
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites.”

“Why thank you,” I replied.

Then he concluded with, “You were mean to everyone.”
Submitted by ERS
 
 
 
 
While on vacation in Spain with my wife, I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Submitted by barber7796
 
 
 
 
It was at a miniature golf course on a brutally hot day when I saw a father with 3 kids.

“Who’s winning?” I asked cheerfully.

“I am,” said one.

“No, I am,” said another.

“No,” the father said. “Their mother is!”
Submitted by wadejagz
 
 
 
 
Two windmills are in a field. One asks, “What kind of music do you like?”

The other one says, “Well, I’m a big metal fan.”
Submitted by Gegg Smith